Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

June 15-29, 2005

Issue #77

  .........................Buffalo's Best Fiend
   

Free to Agree
Sensenbrenner's Sensibilities

by Allan Uthman

 
Gettin' Rucky in Pyongyang
Kim Jong Il gets his fleak on
by Matt Taibbi
 
Dean Was Right
Hey Howard, Keep Up the Good Jerk
by William Pitt
 

Throat Job
Newsweek Still Gagging on Unnamed Sources

by Matt Taibbi

 
SUMMER SPECTACULAR!

8-Step Summer Makeover
by Dan Devine

 

Goth Kid's Summer Survival Guide
It's not fun for everyone

 
Hallmarks of Summer
What makes Buffalo summers so darn special?
 

Sports

The Sports Blotter
The Week in Sports Crime

Sports Desk
Sporting News

Lake Erie Surfin'
People Really Do This

Cover Page
Buffalo in Briefs
Page 3
Blind Date Scenario
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Korner - Movies
[sic] - Your Letters
The BEAST Blog

 

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ISSUE#77PDF FILE (right-click & "save target")
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[sic] - letters

PAYOLA PUTZ

Wow. I just went to politicswny.com. I've never seen so much advertising on a "political" web site. He's even advertising for his own advertising ("ad space available"). Too bad we can't take a paint can to online banners. What a scumbag. This guy deserves whatever comes out of this battle, and more.

By the way, I had never heard of politicswny before this. Has anyone else?

-Roy LaPost

Roy,

Strictly politicians. Nobody who matters.

 

JOLTIN’ JOE

Paul,

Watch out for this political hack weasle. I wouldn't put it past him to try and set you up or something sneaky like that. He's already running his mouth off around town saying he's going to punch your lights out if he ever comes across you, so watch your back with this creep. He's an old sucker puncher (like most cowards are) from way back. He's certainly no tough guy, but he sure is one political hack weasle.

People promise to kick our asses all the time. None have (this is not a challenge; we’re perfectly fine with that). We’re not scared of Illuzzi, which apparently separates us from every politician in town. On the other hand, if he did assault us, it’d be a great story for the next issue.

 

ILLUZZI COME LATELY

Just a followup comment, then I promise to leave you folks alone. The second edition of PWNY the Mag has a story on the inevitable collapse of the Democrats in Chautauqua County.  Whether or not that is true, the article certainly neglects to cover anything that's happened in, oh, the last three months with the Dem party.  I wonder if part of the reason is that it is written by a "Randall Brown", who I suspect (but do not know) is the same Randy Brown who ran as a Republican against Assemblyman Bill Parment and lost by 14,000 votes. Now that's the sort of journalistic credibility Buffalo is known for!

Well, yeah, and?

 

LOAFY’S CHOICE

hell, i get Illuzzi's craptastic glossy mag for free. And I have no idea why. I just keep wishing quality publications start showing up in my mailbox. So far, no such luck.

That’s because you haven’t subscribed to The Beast, friend! Call 856-4355 or email subscription@buffalobeast.com today! Remember: if it’s not The Beast, it’s probably full of anthrax.

 

PEDANTICALLY HISSY

Beast,

Re: Runaway Bride.

Yes. I was referring to the fact that you had wasted resources by being distracted by a distraction. People with IQ's lower than our esteemed president's — which stands at a hefty 91 by the way — were stopping me in the street to point out this fact. And since your header to our last little exchange was so pedantically hissy; have you realized your error yet in following up the brouhaha raised by Cruise's attorney with a "Cruise Baiting" issue, yet?

I mean, you were handed 35mUSD (I asked) in free advertising.

Oh. Paul — I'd be just thrilled to write for you again, but alas I'm working on a play.

The Tragedy of George II

It's a farce. Want to know how it ends?

Phaedrus

Phaedrus,

We happen to think that our nation’s pacification by a media replete with irrelevant human interest stories while liberty crashes down around our ears is an entirely appropriate subject. But hey, what do we know, we just make the paper. You’re the one that’s going to make us millions, right?

 

GODBULLY

Dear Beast,

I understand you’re an anti-establishment paper And it’s refreshing.

However you print bullshit too? Itza Crock’s article [“Cross Examination,” issue 67, 1/23/05] was just that. Unmitigated bullshit!

It reeks of the devil. That’s who wrote it, right? The devil works for the beast?

I don’t know what Bible he’s reading. It’s not the same one I read. Itza Crock has got the facts wrong. One has to be open-minded. The spirit of the Word is what is important.

If Itza Crock whants the Truth or you do call the Doc or write me.

Sincerely,

Doc

Doc,

We think it’s pretty obvious from our publication of your letter that we have no compunction about printing bullshit. Judging by the sheer bigness of your handwriting, we’re guessing your scriptural discrepancies can be traced to the fact that many passages have been left out of your Playskool Bible for Tots. And no, the devil doesn’t work for us; we work for him. BOO! We’re glad you were refreshed by our antiestablishmentarianism, at least until we criticized the establishment you hold dear.

 

TAXPAYER REVOLTING

Dear Beast, Keep up the good work. It is probably a sad comment on the times when the best news is coming from a satire magazine, but  I just love your reportage; especially the caustic pieces on the political powerbrokers, financiers, realty moguls & other evil plutocrats that are the mipulative  powers behind the whorish elected ofrficals that have put Buffalo & Erie county on the cutting edge of civic meltdown. However, given the already large numbers of criminals in the Federal & State levels, keeping track of who is who amongst the local wanna-be oligarchs  in the clusterfuck that represent  local misgovernment is getting daunting. When not vommitting uncontrollably over the  mismanagement of this country, I am already overwhelmed by the sheer number of  federal players, and I just can't keep track of it all, let alone the local shitheads. Can you print a chart or diagram or something  of the locals I can pin to my wall for EZ reference? Can you also do a peice on legal recourses (or their abscence) that explains why there seems to be no laws against misgovernance???  ( or if there is, why none of the faux-humans masquarading as civilleaders are  having their asses traded  for a pack of Maroboroughs in Attica)? Anyway,  Keep up the good work.

Craig Keller

Craig,

To print a comprehensive chart of the massive infected inflammation we in WNY call “local government,” We would need sheets of paper the size of a city block, and that would be in a 7 point font. As for legal recourse, well, what’s so great about legality anyway? Try throwing rocks [please don’t throw rocks-Ed].

 

LATE TO THE PARTY

Nice list. The cursory few liberals sprinkled among your vitriol and hatred of republicans. How original. Not one fucking muslim terrorist scum listed in the bunch. Also no black liberals. Thankfully, no one reads your shit. I only saw it because it was linked. Ah, what an amusing little liberal. Don't let facts get in your way.

Sincerely, Chris

Chris,

We hope it made you feel better to call us “little,” but we’d like to point out that we actually intended to be amusing. Also, for the millionth time, it’s the most loathsome people in AMERICA, not Afghanistan, genius. We’d love to hear some of your “facts,” if only to reassure ourselves that people like you have no clue what’s actually happening in the world, and are determined to stay that way. But we’re afraid we just don’t have enough time to interpret your grunting, ape-like vocalizations. We can’t understand you, Chris; we don’t speak shithead.

 

ASTUTE OBSERVATIONS

To The Beast Staff:

Hopefully this is the place to send good comments.  You guys are the gold standard in alternative press, nobody's even close.  All of your articles are strong, but one of the best was "I Bedded Ann Coulter".  I think you should keep moving in that narrative direction.  Stories have broad apeal and the power to change peoples minds or look at what is happening in a new light.  You guys were right, Cruise should be happy your spreading hetero rumers about him.  Don Imus, who has a million times your audience was cracking queer jokes about Cruise last week.  The difference is that your conclusions are more intellegent and have the ring of truth.  I'm working on some stories myself, when they're ready, I'll send them in attachments.  you can do what ever you want with them.

Happy Pig Hunting;

Jon Quinn

Jon,

Can we make little airplanes out of them? Origami swans? What if we glued them all together and then threw them at your head? Would that be okay? Hey, you said whatever, right?

 

TOMMY CAN YOU FEAR ME?

Hey Guys

First I just want to say I love your paper! You guys crack me up.

Second, I know how much you guys adore Tom Cruise, so I thought you may find the following interview with Entertainment Weekly interesting:

My favorite quote taken from the interview:

You've been taking a lot of flak for your appearance on Oprah, for all the jumping around you did on the show. Does the criticism bother you?

"No, I don't care. I can't live my life based on what other people think about me. Who cares what other people say? There are some people who just don't like to see other people happy. They try to actively stop it. They find that sort of happiness ugly. They're in the minority, but they squawk pretty loud. They're like the bullies you grow up with in school. But you know what? If they don't like it, f--- them. If people don't like it, f--- off."

I sure find it interesting for someone who got so upset over being listed on your "50 Most Loathsome People" list can say the above.  ~Liz Curry

Dear Liz,

Well, he’s got a zombie she-slave to convert now, so he’s probably in a better mood.

 

INSENSITIVE ARTIST

Dear editor:

I hope that you can print this letter to tell people that Buffalo State College is not friendly to working artists in the community.  If you're thinking about giving them money, please read this.

As a kid in Syracuse, I attended a public, unmoderated figure drawing group for almost a decade.  It got me into an art profession.  Regular figure drawing is vital to many artists.  The group I was with, http://www.openfiguredrawing.com/ offered the ideal benefits:  public accessability for all skill levels, at a low price, with a long-term core membership of pros, run by dedicated volunteers.  It wasn't just great for practice, it was great for connections, something you don't get from on-again off-again groups.  It gave and recieved so much community support that it was able to incorporate as a non-profit.

When I moved to Buffalo last year, I was disappointed to find temporary, student, or invitation-only groups, but none that offered what Syracuse had.  Then I found a group that was just being put together.  It was free and public, run by permission of the Buff State Visual Arts Board.  It was an amazing resource for Buff State students and alumni, but it wouldn't have existed without regular attendees and volunteers from outside.

Unfortunately, last year the group went on hiatus for the summer.  This year was going to be different- except that the director of the art department objected.  Today, 6/13, the group was cancelled for the summer.  Now, I don't speak for the group, only myself as a member, but I heard that the excuse was to "protect the facilities" (though no example of damage was given), as if working artists cooperating for community benefit are going to crap in their own beds.  Another possible reason is selfish politics, because the VAB changed directors.

So, what does Buffalo State College value more than a thriving arts community?  Too bad for us local artists, who might not be able to get to less available groups, and were trying to form a permanent public group, they chose a safe but empty classroom.

Patrick Lake

Patrick,

We assure you, we were never in danger of giving Buff State any of our money.

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