Dear Donny...

Dear Donny,

I have been dating this guy for a couple months now and I just don’t know if I can trust him. Every time I ask him about him about his past, he shrugs it off and changes the subject. Do you think he is hiding something? I love him but I feel like I don’t even know him. What should I do?

-Skeptical In Spokane

Skeptical,

In every relationship we know there are known knowns: there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns: that is to say we know there are things we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns - the ones we don't know we don't know. Take this advice to heart when communicating with your boyfriend. It’s amazing what kind of information you can procure with a simple electrical cord. If he is still unresponsive, drop him like a bunker buster. Better yet, just strangle him with the cord. They’re so versatile! Good Luck!

Dear Donny,

Recently my wife and I have fallen on hard times, forcing us to move in with her parents.  Her parents are good people but we can’t seem to get along. I’ve been getting the feeling lately that they want us out of their house as soon as possible. We have nowhere else to turn. What am I going to do?

-Upset and Unwanted in Tallahassee

Upset,

Ignore pressure from your wife’s parents to leave and set no timetable for withdrawal of your things, as this will be seen as a victory to your in-laws and a defeat for democracy. As an American, you have the right to stay there as long as you damn well please. One strategy which has worked for me is to promise your hosts that you will fix up their place, and perhaps pay their utility bills. Don’t bother actually doing it, though; just keep telling them you’re going to do it. The promises will buy you a few months, after which you’ll be in a better position to occupy their neighbor’s house.

Dear Donny,

I have been married for twenty happy years but lately my wife is acting standoffish and distant. I am beginning to think she might be having an affair with someone from her office.  I have listened in on her phone calls, looked through her purse and even looked through all her jacket pockets but I haven’t found a thing that confirms my suspicions. Do you think she is cheating?

-Suspicious in Sandusky

Suspicious,

There's another way to phrase that and that is that the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence. It is basically saying the same thing in a different way. Simply because you do not have evidence that something does exist does not mean that you have evidence that it doesn't exist. And in your case, like most others, the absence of evidence is evidence enough to take action. Divorce the slut and take her for everything she’s got! Then have her flown to Syria for interrogation.

Dear Donny,

I feel awful. I have been sleeping with my best friend’s fiancée for over a year. What exactly should I do?

-Guilty in Geneva

Guilty,

I don't know what the facts are but somebody's certainly going to sit down with him and find out what he knows—by stripping him naked and setting an attack dog on him. If he claims to know nothing, you can be sure he is lying; now it’s time to get the electrodes out. Besides, Guilty, what’s more important—“friends” or booty? Your friend need to be liberated from this two-timing bitch, so you can tap that ass on a regular basis! He’ll surely thank you later…when you release him from the ceiling hook.

For love and relationship advice, send your letters to:  Dear Donny c/o The Pentagon