Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

June 29-July 13, 2005

Issue #78

  .....Buffalo's Best Fiend
   

Independence Day
3rd Party Politics for Fun & Profit

 
BAD ART!
Pataki Leads Carge Against the Talentless
by Matt Taibbi
 
Last Best Chance
Dragging our Feet on Nuclear Terror
by Alex Zaitchik
 

Welcome to My Nightmare
Eminent Domain Ruling Leads to Gigantism in B-List Actors

by Ian Murphy

 

Say it Ain't Soda
Revoking the Bottle Deposit is an Asinine Idea

by Christofurious Riordan

 

Reid's United States of Europe
Book Review
by Paul Fallon

 

Just Kill Me
Recruiters are Dying to Talk to Your Kids
by Matt Taibbi

 
Faux-tures

Litigious Idol
Help choose Barnes' new Cellino!

 

Dear Donny
Romantic Advice from the Secretary of Defense

 

Sports

The Sports Blotter
The Week in Sports Crime

Cover Page
Buffalo in Briefs
Page 3
 
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Korner - Movies
[sic] - Your Letters
 
The BEAST Blog

 

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The Beast Page 3
Michael Jackson Toast

Name: The King of Toast

Turn-ons: Toaster prophecy, butter, the Pilsbury Doughboy, pain killers, the gullible, Tom Mesereau and being in the mouths of young boys.

Turn-offs: English muffins, Country Crock, Pop-Tarts, The Southbeach diet, consenting adult relationships, Martin Bashir and unleavened bread. HOOOO!

How I Became THE BEAST PAGE 3 Michael Jackson Toast: It was truly a miracle. I, and dozens like me, magically ejected from toasters all over the country on the day the Jackson verdict was handed down, as if a sign from God of Michael Jackson's innocence. No, really I'm just fucking with you, I was actually made by some opportunistic dipshit with a propane torch and a soldering iron. SHA-MOAN!

Future Plans: Hee-hee-hee! I see myself being sold for at least $30,000 on E-bay. I mean, a few months ago a slice of Virgin Mary toast sold for, like, $25,000 and I'm way cooler than some boring religious prude. HOOOO!

How I'd Like to be Remembered: As an essential part of a complete breakfast, and a charred reminder of greed and denial in a time when real news simply doesn't rate.

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