(June 21-July 22)
your gregarious attitude at work doesn’t excuse the
fact that you are a real jerk to the other members of your
band. I hate to break it to you, but it’s actually
you who are off-key and out of tempo. How do I know
this? Just look at yourself, with that ridiculous outfit.
This may be hard for you to believe, but some people play
music because they’re good at it, and some just because
they like it. There is a third category also, Cancer and
you’re there, baby—all the way live.
(July 23-Aug. 22)
your life will take a turn for the worse when you realize
the ‘elephant gun’ you brought along to protect
yourself on your jungle safari vacation is actually made
out of elephants, and not a functioning gun at all. I have
a winning lottery number for you, but it will only taunt
you as you lie bleeding under the African sun, hundreds
of miles from the nearest 7-11. Should’ve gone for
the Vegas getaway package instead, Mr. Adventure. You could
have been on HBO’s “Taxicab Confessions,”
rambling on about how terribly unexciting your girlfriend
is sexually, which would have led to her leaving you, immediately
followed by a lifelong blissful relationship with Fran Drescher.
Actually, you’re probably better off, Leo—that
voice, you know.
(Aug 23-Sept 22)
your idea for a screenplay is terrible. Trust me, nobody’s
ever going to produce a story about intelligent mushrooms—because
that’s just stupid. I mean, they don’t even
move around or anything, or have mouths or eyes even. Who
do you think you can get on board to voice the characters,
anyway? Well, sure, Jonathan Frakes, but who else? Look,
quit huffing gasoline and go back to the cliché cop drama
with the unrealistically beautiful detectives. You’ll
be a hack, Virgo, but a rich one nonetheless.
(Sept 23 –Oct 22)
Libra, do you realize what percentage of American cattle
are even tested for Mad Cow? In fact, we test a tiny fraction
of our cows, about 20,000 out of 36 million slaughtered
annually. So when you hear that there’s only one case,
try to keep in mind that each cow tested represents about
1,800 others. Actually, now it’s two cases. How’s
that steak hoagy? No thanks, I’m good.
(Oct 23-Nov 21)
I know you’re always asking people why everybody in
Buffalo is so negative. Why does everyone complain, you
ask, when we’ve got such great architecture—and
Olmstead parks, and free music festivals and such? Well,
I’ll tell you: Because it sucks here, Scorpio, and
most of us don’t have the capacity or the desire to
tune that out the way you do.
(Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Sagittarius, by now you’re probably wondering about
the lack of horoscopes involving things going into or coming
out of people’s butts. Well, what can I say, man,
I’m just not channeling any butt-related prophesies
this week. Stop cutting yourself, Sagittarius; that’s
(Dec 22 – Jan 19)
you imagine yourself to be the smartest guy in the world,
but smoking two packs a day pretty much shoots that theory
down. Besides, I can kick your ass at Scrabble, and, as
all divine astral beings know, that is the true test of
one’s intelligence. And you totally got lucky that
one time at Trivial Pursuit, so don’t go bringing
that up again. I mean, really, who doesn’t know Diana
Ross was in The Wiz, I ask you?
(Jan 20-Feb 18)
for God’s sake, get over the Franz Ferdinand album
already. I get it, really; you were always into the Fall,
and Bauhaus, and Joy Division, and you even have that Warsaw
box set. It’s a good album and all, really. But if
I have to hear that goddamn one song again booming through
my bedroom wall at 4am, I’m going to set the house
on fire with you in it. Come on, just go get an Interpol
record or something. By the way—nice ass.
(Feb 19-March 20)
why are you having so much trouble believing this global
warming thing? After all, has it ever been this fucking
hot in Buffalo—ever? What exactly is it that makes
you distrust the assessment of independent scientists, while
you give credence to the amateur opinions of—oil industry
executives? You realize that’s what they are, right?
They’re oil industry executives, and you believe them—why?
Well I’ll tell you: mainly it’s because you
resent people who are smarter than you. That’s normal,
Pisces, but you’re getting a little older now, and
maybe it’s time to face up to that.
(March 21-April 19)
your date tomorrow will be wonderful, except you’re
(April 20-May 20)
I really thought you were cute a few weeks ago, but the
nightlife scene is already halfway done masticating what’s
left of your soul. Why not take a week off, so your eyes
can have a chance to return to their respective sockets?
Your hair was straight before, too, and you didn’t
shout all the time either. Take it easy, or pretty soon
you won’t even be attractive enough to get free drugs
anymore, and then you’ll have to get a job or something.
(May 21 –June 20)
we have a problem – I can’t stop watching “Celebrity
Poker Showdown,” and you’ve fallen down a ravine
and broken both your legs. I’d love to come help,
but that Dave Foley is just so witty, and I just can’t
wait to see if Norm MacDonad is going to take the Golden
Chip or wind up trading bon mots with a drunken Carrie Fisher
in the Loser’s Lounge. I know, I know – it’s
stupid, but I really can’t tear myself away, lest
I miss an important tip from poker expert Phil Gordon or
a hilarious improv moment from a hopelessly outmatched Jason
Alexander. Good luck, Gemini.