Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

June 29-July 13, 2005

Issue #78

  .....Buffalo's Best Fiend
   

Independence Day
3rd Party Politics for Fun & Profit

 
BAD ART!
Pataki Leads Carge Against the Talentless
by Matt Taibbi
 
Last Best Chance
Dragging our Feet on Nuclear Terror
by Alex Zaitchik
 

Welcome to My Nightmare
Eminent Domain Ruling Leads to Gigantism in B-List Actors

by Ian Murphy

 

Say it Ain't Soda
Revoking the Bottle Deposit is an Asinine Idea

by Christofurious Riordan

 

Reid's United States of Europe
Book Review
by Paul Fallon

 

Just Kill Me
Recruiters are Dying to Talk to Your Kids
by Matt Taibbi

 
Faux-tures

Litigious Idol
Help choose Barnes' new Cellino!

 

Dear Donny
Romantic Advice from the Secretary of Defense

 

Sports

The Sports Blotter
The Week in Sports Crime

Cover Page
Buffalo in Briefs
Page 3
 
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Korner - Movies
[sic] - Your Letters
 
The BEAST Blog

 

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ISSUE#78 PDF FILE (right-click & "save target")
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Last Issue: (77)

[SIC] - Letters

LYIN’ OF THE DESERT

The administration has just attempted an act of either the greatest cynicism or the most ignorant manifestation of its knowledge of the enemy. It has recently given out, rather publicized, that the terrorists in Iraq were losing heart because it was observed that the bombers were now “tied” into their suicide cars and attached to their weapons so they could not “chicken out”.

The Moslem warrior has traditionally tied himself to his machine gun, or weapon to demonstrate to the enemy and the world that he would not retreat or be captured. This is no secret! In the 1981 movie “Lion of the Desert” the Moslems in the war against the Italians in Libya were shown tying their legs together to show they would not run.

This was not a “hole in the wall” movie- it starred Anthony Quinn, John Gielgud, Oliver Reed and other luminaries. If anyone in the Bush administration saw it they must have slept through it. 

Howard Meyer

Howard,

We thought it was just a primitive form of safety belt, designed by a well-meaning but woefully misguided Islamic Naderite. Other movies the Bush admin has slept through: Gallipoli, Platoon, Full Metal Jacket, Apocalypse Now, Fahrenheit 911, Wall Street, Lawrence of Arabia, Ghandi, Malcolm X, Star Trek IV, Waking Life, Flirting With Disaster, Three Kings, All the President’s Men, How to get Ahead in Advertising, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Brazil, Salvador, Silkwood, Head of State, The Ten Commandments, War Games, The Madness of King George, History of the World Part 1, Revenge of the Sith, and Love and Death. They can’t get enough of 1984, though; that one’s always a hoot.

SIDEBAR, YOUR HONOR

My companions and I would like to thank the staff of The Beast and publisher Paul Fallon for a surprisingly gracious little gathering at the Sidebar on Wednesday night.
Although, for a while there, our suspiscious minds had the weird feeling we were being set up for some kind of "Murder By Death" scenario. You know, where all the lights suddenly go off at midnight - there's gunfire and a scream - then when the lights go back on, there - on the piano - is the lifeless body of some local politico. (Peter Falk-like detective arrives, no one can leave, etc;)

Although, we'd probably have no overt objections to this, in the end, we'd have to oppose.  I mean, how long could the pizza and free booze last?

Anyway, it all turned out fine, and thanks again.

We would send each of you a personally signed thank you card, but....well, no we wouldn't.

God Bless The Beast.

J.Ann

J.Ann,

All you have to do to make the pizza and booze last is believe, darling; just believe. Luckily, there weren’t any problems with dead bodies until well after the shindig, when a staffer, who shall remain nameless, woke up with one at a Hampton Inn in Ohio. It’s okay, though: she was really ugly.

 

I VANT TO SUCK YOUR…

Everything you have said about Tom Cruise is true. And I have proof!

Watch Interview with the Vampire. He plays an effeminate blond top-hat wearing vampire, Lestat, who creates suicidal man-slaves (Brad Pitt) and lures them to a life consisting of erotic conversation with Antonio Banderas (...which I'm sure can be used to destroy Brad Pitt, as he plays a drunken suicidal lout who eats rats and poodles and then has erotic face-stroky conversations with Banderas.) Also there's a part where he is killed by a five-year-old blonde girl (Kirsten Dunst). Weakling.

I believe there is a deleted scene where Cruise was supposed to force Pitt to sleep in the same coffin as him, as he has conveniently forgotten to order another one. Cough. Cough. I seem to have developed a cold.

I hope you can use that to belittle and degrade a man who, in one scene, rapes and kills a "gorgeous young fop" and gets his man-slave to kill an old woman and her dogs.

--Cruise-Hater

CH,

Nicole Kidman has dogs? Or is that just what he calls the kids? There’s an old Kino Klee-shay icon, “Vampirism/wizardry as gay/AIDS metaphor,” which comes to mind here. As far as belittling/degrading Cruise, it seems like every media outlet on earth has taken up the charge. This only makes sense, since it’s clear our successful journalistic jihad against the star has driven him completely insane in short order.

 

MUSIC IS ARTILLERY

I was at the Art Voice music festival and had a good time. How about getting together a Buffalo Beast music festival? Wouldn't that be wild?

Your disable Navy vet friend from Kaisertown.

Jay-Z,

You should really start your own paper, considering how often you’re published around here. It’d be great to attack you on a regular basis. We tried to have a music fest once, but Weird Al cancelled, and then there was rioting, which actually turned out to be a lot more fun.

FISCAL BOTCH-DOG

So Naples resigns, distancing herself from the mess she turned a blind politically-motivated eye towards, and already Illuzzi has a story up about how it's all Giambra's fault and Saint Nancy is entirely blameless.

Why am I writing this? I have no idea. Pissed off and wanted to put a bug in your ear, I guess.

Get the hell away from us with that thing! What’s wrong with you? We could get an infection or something!

 

IF YOU’RE GONNA STEAL, STEAL FROM THE BEAST

Have you seen the Onion lately? I have heard people say The Beast is like The Onion. Ummmm. I don't know about you but it looks to me like they have been peeking at what The Beast has been doing. They took Ian's USA Tomorrow idea to another level.  Robots doing every day activities, Farmer bot/Cheney bots. Theres more. Total rip offs.

-Chris
Chris,

Yeah, but what makes the Onion guys so much better is…they can afford to have a team of web developers completely alter the look and feel of their website for a one-issue gag. That and, you know, they don’t push their petty little opinions. And…the money thing again. Plus, you know…they have money. And staff. And ad revenue (money). Great; now we’re crying.

 

CENSOR SWEEP

        Dear editor of the beast,

I love your paper. Bob the angry flower is awesome. But one day when I brought a copy of The Beast to school and when I was showing my friends in the hallway my assistant principal saw the picture on the front page he thought it was "offensive" and took it away from me. That really sucked and i didn't even get to read it… [portion redacted]…Your paper kicks ass.

[name redacted]

Let us guess—it was the Bush-in-jockstrap cover, right? Honestly, this is kind of an honor for us. We have joined the lofty ranks of classic offensive literature, from Mad to High Times to Playboy, in being unfairly confiscated by uptight prudes, in love with the rules and still pissed about not being cool when they were young. You’ve just learned a valuable lesson: tha man is cold, Jack. And he’s also a humorless prick. Get used to it, kid.

 

SURFACE-TO-ALGEBRA MISSILE

Dear Mr. Uthman,

   About a half an hour prior to me sending this E-mail, one was sent to sic@buffalobeast.com. It was sent by my younger brother who is still in middle school who enjoys reading your publication. The problem is, he is a very irrational person, as most young children are, and sent the E-mail without thinking about the consequences. As he was very upset that his copy of The Beast was taken from him, I would really appreciate if you did not print the E-mail or provide any form retaliation to the school if he so requested. I am happy, though, to see that your paper has brought out his will to fight for what he believes in and bring to light some of the injustices that our youth face. As for The Beast, keep up the good work, for your paper is is truly the best.

--[name withheld]

Dear anonymous sibling,

We wonder what, exactly, you are worried me might do to your brother’s school in the form of “retaliation?” We’re not really terrorists or anything, you know—we’re demolition experts, but that’s totally a coincidence. Although some would beg to differ (see below).

 

ASSHOLE UNWITTINGLY PROVES US RIGHT

Dear Editors,

     I recently came upon your "news" paper online and was appalled.  What you attempt to pass off as "journalism" is more akin to gossip and hatemongering. Mr Uthman's piece (of misguided bile) on James Sensenbrenner is an insult, not only to real Americans but also to common sense.  Uthman or Ossman, as your family back in the Middle East more than likely spell it, is undoubtedly a sympathizer to those terrorists from his homeland and would like nothing more than to see democracy crushed both at home and abroad. Liberal hang-ringing about the abuse of people who would have no compunction ending your life in the blink of an eye by homicide bombing, only leads me to believe you are one of them.  So tell us Ossman, what exactly do you stand to gain from attempting to corrupt the minds of our youth? Could it possibly be  that you, yourself are executing a propagandists' function of Al Qaeda?

Dave Wilbrooke

Uthman responds:

Dear fascist retard,

I’m not really surprised that you would smear me as some kind of treasonous Islamic terrorist based on my surname and the fact that I disagree with you. In fact, it’s perfectly in line with the tactics of the xenophobic neo-McCarthyites you embrace. Your whole game is to declare the truth to be unspeakable, and your logic makes about as much sense as your meaningless Fox News doublespeak (all bombers are “homicide bombers;” it’s a wholly redundant and non-descriptive phrase—but that what Brit Hume calls them, and so you must obey).

What I do find astonishing is how perfectly—and unironically—you echo my own characterizations of Sensenbrenner and other Republicans, especially their hatred of honest discussion and dissent. Rather than addressing my arguments, you simply cast racist aspersions, and accuse me of being an al Qaeda terrorist! Your intellectual cowardice rivals that of Sensenbrenner himself. The similarity is undeniable: you don’t refute a single point of fact in my piece; you simply accuse me of being a bad guy, a foreigner, and not a “real American.” The reason for this is obvious: you are fiercely determined to protect your ignorance, and the ignorance of those around you—just like Sensenbrenner and the rest of your ilk.

You portray me as a gossip, yet fail to indicate a single error of fact in my article. You accuse me of “hatemongering,” while portraying me in the most hateful terms imaginable. You, Dave, are a laughable, disingenuous hypocrite. You are right about one thing, though: my article was indeed an insult, to Sensenbrenner and others like him, including you. Go back to freeperland and play with someone as fearful of genuine debate as yourself, before you accidentally question your own jingoistic, paranoid dogma, and the world comes to an end.

The thing that idiots like you never fail to omit when you discuss the detainees at Gitmo or Abu Ghraib is the fact that some of them simply are not guilty, and have done nothing to deserve indefinite detention and torture. It goes without saying that anyone responsible for the murder of innocents deserves what they get. But if we disregard the rights of the accused innocent, or every American’s right to dissent under the first amendment, then we are not the “shining city on the hill” we presume to be, nor can we be accurately described as a free country. If you can’t see that, then you’re the one who’s not a “real American” or a patriot; you’re just another bloodthirsty chimp whose opinions don’t merit the respect of decent, thinking people. But it’s not really your fault, Dave; you’re just too stupid to handle the truth. No hard feelings?

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