[SIC]
- Letters
LYIN’
OF THE DESERT
The administration
has just attempted an act of either the greatest cynicism or the most ignorant
manifestation of its knowledge of the enemy. It has recently given out, rather
publicized, that the terrorists in Iraq were losing heart because it was observed
that the bombers were now “tied” into their suicide cars and attached to their
weapons so they could not “chicken out”.
The Moslem warrior
has traditionally tied himself to his machine gun, or weapon to demonstrate
to the enemy and the world that he would not retreat or be captured. This
is no secret! In the 1981 movie “Lion of the Desert” the Moslems in the war
against the Italians in Libya were shown tying their legs together to show
they would not run.
This was not
a “hole in the wall” movie- it starred Anthony Quinn, John Gielgud, Oliver
Reed and other luminaries. If anyone in the Bush administration saw it they
must have slept through it.
Howard Meyer
Howard,
We thought
it was just a primitive form of safety belt, designed by a well-meaning but
woefully misguided Islamic Naderite. Other movies the Bush admin has slept
through: Gallipoli, Platoon, Full Metal Jacket, Apocalypse Now, Fahrenheit
911, Wall Street, Lawrence of Arabia, Ghandi, Malcolm X, Star Trek IV, Waking
Life, Flirting With Disaster, Three Kings, All the President’s Men, How to
get Ahead in Advertising, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Brazil, Salvador,
Silkwood, Head of State, The Ten Commandments, War Games, The Madness of King
George, History of the World Part 1, Revenge of the Sith, and Love and Death.
They can’t get enough of 1984, though; that one’s always a hoot.
SIDEBAR,
YOUR HONOR
My companions
and I would like to thank the staff of The Beast and publisher Paul Fallon
for a surprisingly gracious little gathering at the Sidebar on Wednesday night.
Although, for a while there, our suspiscious minds had the weird feeling we
were being set up for some kind of "Murder By Death" scenario. You
know, where all the lights suddenly go off at midnight - there's gunfire and
a scream - then when the lights go back on, there - on the piano - is the
lifeless body of some local politico. (Peter Falk-like detective arrives,
no one can leave, etc;)
Although, we'd
probably have no overt objections to this, in the end, we'd have to oppose.
I mean, how long could the pizza and free booze last?
Anyway, it all
turned out fine, and thanks again.
We would send
each of you a personally signed thank you card, but....well, no we wouldn't.
God Bless The
Beast.
J.Ann
J.Ann,
All you have
to do to make the pizza and booze last is believe, darling; just believe.
Luckily, there weren’t any problems with dead bodies until well after the
shindig, when a staffer, who shall remain nameless, woke up with one at a
Hampton Inn in Ohio. It’s okay, though: she was really ugly.
I VANT
TO SUCK YOUR…
Everything you
have said about Tom Cruise is true. And I have proof!
Watch Interview
with the Vampire. He plays an effeminate blond top-hat wearing vampire, Lestat,
who creates suicidal man-slaves (Brad Pitt) and lures them to a life consisting
of erotic conversation with Antonio Banderas (...which I'm sure can be used
to destroy Brad Pitt, as he plays a drunken suicidal lout who eats rats and
poodles and then has erotic face-stroky conversations with Banderas.) Also
there's a part where he is killed by a five-year-old blonde girl (Kirsten
Dunst). Weakling.
I believe there
is a deleted scene where Cruise was supposed to force Pitt to sleep in the
same coffin as him, as he has conveniently forgotten to order another one.
Cough. Cough. I seem to have developed a cold.
I hope you can
use that to belittle and degrade a man who, in one scene, rapes and kills
a "gorgeous young fop" and gets his man-slave to kill an old woman
and her dogs.
--Cruise-Hater
CH,
Nicole Kidman
has dogs? Or is that just what he calls the kids? There’s an old Kino Klee-shay
icon, “Vampirism/wizardry as gay/AIDS metaphor,” which comes to mind here.
As far as belittling/degrading Cruise, it seems like every media outlet on
earth has taken up the charge. This only makes sense, since it’s clear our
successful journalistic jihad against the star has driven him completely insane
in short order.
MUSIC
IS ARTILLERY
I was at the Art Voice music festival and had a good time. How about getting
together a Buffalo Beast music festival? Wouldn't that be wild?
Your disable
Navy vet friend from Kaisertown.
Jay-Z,
You should really
start your own paper, considering how often you’re published around here.
It’d be great to attack you on a regular basis. We tried to have a music fest
once, but Weird Al cancelled, and then there was rioting, which actually turned
out to be a lot more fun.
FISCAL
BOTCH-DOG
So Naples resigns, distancing herself from the mess she turned a blind politically-motivated
eye towards, and already Illuzzi has a story up about how it's all Giambra's
fault and Saint Nancy is entirely blameless.
Why am I writing
this? I have no idea. Pissed off and wanted to put a bug in your ear, I guess.
Get the
hell away from us with that thing! What’s wrong with you? We could get an
infection or something!
IF
YOU’RE GONNA STEAL, STEAL FROM THE BEAST
Have you
seen the Onion lately? I have heard people say The Beast is like The Onion.
Ummmm. I don't know about you but it looks to me like they have been peeking
at what The Beast has been doing. They took Ian's USA Tomorrow idea to another
level. Robots doing every day activities, Farmer bot/Cheney bots. Theres
more. Total rip offs.
-Chris
Chris,
Yeah,
but what makes the Onion guys so much better is…they can afford to have a
team of web developers completely alter the look and feel of their website
for a one-issue gag. That and, you know, they don’t push their petty little
opinions. And…the money thing again. Plus, you know…they have money. And staff.
And ad revenue (money). Great; now we’re crying.
CENSOR
SWEEP
Dear
editor of the beast,
I love your paper.
Bob the angry flower is awesome. But one day when I brought a copy of The
Beast to school and when I was showing my friends in the hallway my assistant
principal saw the picture on the front page he thought it was "offensive"
and took it away from me. That really sucked and i didn't even get to read
it… [portion redacted]…Your paper kicks ass.
[name redacted]
Let
us guess—it was the Bush-in-jockstrap cover, right? Honestly, this is kind
of an honor for us. We have joined the lofty ranks of classic offensive literature,
from Mad to High Times to Playboy, in being unfairly confiscated by uptight
prudes, in love with the rules and still pissed about not being cool when
they were young. You’ve just learned a valuable lesson: tha man is cold, Jack.
And he’s also a humorless prick. Get used to it, kid.
SURFACE-TO-ALGEBRA
MISSILE
Dear Mr. Uthman,
About a half
an hour prior to me sending this E-mail, one was sent to sic@buffalobeast.com.
It was sent by my younger brother who is still in middle school who enjoys
reading your publication. The problem is, he is a very irrational person,
as most young children are, and sent the E-mail without thinking about the
consequences. As he was very upset that his copy of The Beast was taken from
him, I would really appreciate if you did not print the E-mail or provide
any form retaliation to the school if he so requested. I am happy, though,
to see that your paper has brought out his will to fight for what he believes
in and bring to light some of the injustices that our youth face. As for The
Beast, keep up the good work, for your paper is is truly the best.
--[name withheld]
Dear anonymous
sibling,
We wonder
what, exactly, you are worried me might do to your brother’s school in the
form of “retaliation?” We’re not really terrorists or anything, you know—we’re
demolition experts, but that’s totally a coincidence. Although some would
beg to differ (see below).
ASSHOLE
UNWITTINGLY PROVES US RIGHT
Dear
Editors,
I recently came upon your "news" paper online and was appalled.
What you attempt to pass off as "journalism" is more akin to gossip
and hatemongering. Mr Uthman's piece (of misguided bile) on James Sensenbrenner
is an insult, not only to real Americans but also to common sense. Uthman
or Ossman, as your family back in the Middle East more than likely spell it,
is undoubtedly a sympathizer to those terrorists from his homeland and would
like nothing more than to see democracy crushed both at home and abroad. Liberal
hang-ringing about the abuse of people who would have no compunction ending
your life in the blink of an eye by homicide bombing, only leads me to believe
you are one of them. So tell us Ossman, what exactly do you stand to gain
from attempting to corrupt the minds of our youth? Could it possibly be that
you, yourself are executing a propagandists' function of Al Qaeda?
Dave
Wilbrooke
Uthman
responds:
Dear
fascist retard,
I’m
not really surprised that you would smear me as some kind of treasonous Islamic
terrorist based on my surname and the fact that I disagree with you. In fact,
it’s perfectly in line with the tactics of the xenophobic neo-McCarthyites
you embrace. Your whole game is to declare the truth to be unspeakable, and
your logic makes about as much sense as your meaningless Fox News doublespeak
(all bombers are “homicide bombers;” it’s a wholly redundant and non-descriptive
phrase—but that what Brit Hume calls them, and so you must obey).
What
I do find astonishing is how perfectly—and unironically—you echo my own characterizations
of Sensenbrenner and other Republicans, especially their hatred of honest
discussion and dissent. Rather than addressing my arguments, you simply cast
racist aspersions, and accuse me of being an al Qaeda terrorist! Your intellectual
cowardice rivals that of Sensenbrenner himself. The similarity is undeniable:
you don’t refute a single point of fact in my piece; you simply accuse me
of being a bad guy, a foreigner, and not a “real American.” The reason for
this is obvious: you are fiercely determined to protect your ignorance, and
the ignorance of those around you—just like Sensenbrenner and the rest of
your ilk.
You
portray me as a gossip, yet fail to indicate a single error of fact in my
article. You accuse me of “hatemongering,” while portraying me in the most
hateful terms imaginable. You, Dave, are a laughable, disingenuous hypocrite.
You are right about one thing, though: my article was indeed an insult, to
Sensenbrenner and others like him, including you. Go back to freeperland and
play with someone as fearful of genuine debate as yourself, before you accidentally
question your own jingoistic, paranoid dogma, and the world comes to an end.
The
thing that idiots like you never fail to omit when you discuss the detainees
at Gitmo or Abu Ghraib is the fact that some of them simply are not guilty,
and have done nothing to deserve indefinite detention and torture. It goes
without saying that anyone responsible for the murder of innocents deserves
what they get. But if we disregard the rights of the accused innocent, or
every American’s right to dissent under the first amendment, then we are not
the “shining city on the hill” we presume to be, nor can we be accurately
described as a free country. If you can’t see that, then you’re the one who’s
not a “real American” or a patriot; you’re just another bloodthirsty chimp
whose opinions don’t merit the respect of decent, thinking people. But it’s
not really your fault, Dave; you’re just too stupid to handle the truth. No
hard feelings?
