Holy Shit!
A field guide to Televangelists
By N. Sorrenti

 

Name: Perry Stone

Description: At first glance, Perry Stone may appear strikingly similar to other human beings, but don’t be fooled. Behind that cunningly moronic grin lie three rows of razor-sharp teeth, capable of easily tearing through a gym class climbing rope. Pupils have developed vertically, for ease of reading miniscule Scripture passages. Double-jointed hands can blur through Bible pages faster than the human eye can perceive. Neutral-hued suits allow him to virtually disappear into crowds of human beings. Eyebrows, thick and jute-like, can be vibrated back and forth rapidly, and are used like sandpaper as defense against predators.

Habitat: Look for Perry Stone in damp shady hollows, under forest debris. Frequents the banks of cool, life giving rivers which quench men’s thirst for knowledge.

Note: A high pitched “Gawwwwwwwduh”, and also, a shrill “Andthankeejesussssssss” are sure signs that Perry Stone is near.

Name: Benny Hinn

Description: A master of disguise; many people have stood right over Benny Hinn and not taken notice of him. Through the marvel of adaptation, Hinn has evolved into a crisp, foreign version of anyone’s most despised relation. Able to fold and unfold collapsible wheelchairs quickly and efficiently. Spine bent from years of hoisting cripples in the air. Though no one has ever come close enough to inspect Hinn’s break wall of silver hair, it is alleged to be spun of fine aluminum strands, a gift from Satan for Hinn’s years of devoted servitude.

Habitat: Look for Hinn in clinic dumpsters, scavenging used crutches and blood-caked gauze for use in tent crusades.

Note: Though Hinn may appear docile, his mastery over elementary magic is unquestionable, and he will not hesitate to call on his dark powers if cornered. Many unenviable parishioners have found themselves on the stinging end of a ‘cone of frost in the ass’ spell for not giving Hinn a wide enough berth in the aisles.

Name: John Hagee

Description: A rotund and jovial imp, John Hagee is like a ripe fall gourd which someone has painted a face upon for the amusement of children. Able to swallow a lock and key, and vomit them up, the former undone and the key nearly digested. John Hagee is proof that evolution has a sense of humor. With a head the texture of a moldy collapsed pumpkin, and fingers like Italian sausage, Hagee must regularly roll in a volcanic dust chinchilla bath to keep his scrotum from drying out.

Habitat: Look for John Hagee at campgrounds and town parks, chewing blackened frankfurter skins from barbecue grating and fighting with seagulls for grease soaked McDonalds bags.

Note: More insect than man, Hagee can be kept effectively at bay with citronella candles and bi-hourly insecticide foggings.

Name: Jesse Duplantis

Description: The two-dimensional Duplantis is the only known case of a living being existing on a lesser plane. Able to attain a third, more believable dimension with the help of television special effects, Duplantis is able to pierce through his paper-thin world and commune with lesser mortals—to the extent that they view him from straight on; otherwise he appears only as a thin cardboard silhouette. Duplantis’ signature pocket-handkerchief is actually a Jew-skin scroll, inscribed with the names of people whose souls he has managed to win playing cutthroat cricket.

Habitat: Look for Duplantis in the dream-like realm between sleep and wakefulness. For those who seek to summon Duplantis into our three-dimensional world, an overdose of valerian root powder will produce a deep enough coma to invite him into your subconscious mind. Often seen cavorting with linear planes, points, dots, specks, lines, single-celled organisms and leathery-winged hell minions.

Note: Though thin and not really alive, Duplantis’ burning desire for two-dimensional companionship often leads him to mate with coffee filters and J.C. Penny circulars.

 

Name: Robert Tilton

Description: Beast-like man with incredibly hairy arms and an appetite for poisonous flowers. Often wears denim shirts slightly unbuttoned to enhance his ‘regular guy’ façade. Salt and pepper bouffant belies his deeply sinister nature. If presented with a Bible, Tilton will compulsively chew the pages out of their binding, becoming “drunk on the word,” and subsequently attempting to baptize anyone within arms reach with any and all liquids available to him, up to and including concentrated degreaser.

Habitat: Look for Robert Tilton wallowing in muddy swamps, grazing on nightshade and other flora toxic to humans. Look for wisps of brimstone smoke emanating from freshly dug graves, a sure sign that Tilton, along with his dark master, have been searching fresh corpses for jewelry and blood.

Note: While Tilton may profess to be a “good guy” and “a lovable Christian,” a quick glance at his whip-scarred, poker-burned torso will remind you where his true, unrepentant allegiance lies.