Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

July 13 - 27, 2005

Issue #79

  .....Buffalo's Best Fiend
   

BLOODY HELL
Tony Blair, Right Honourable Hypocrite
by Allan Uthman

 
VICIOUS CYCLE
Nailing the Interview
by Matt Taibbi
 
TO HELL WITH JUDITH MILLER
That's What I Said
by Stan Goff
 

U.S. POLLING INACCURATE, SAYS NEW POLL
100% Polled Asked Wrong Question

by Matt Taibbi

 

THE JOY OF SAILING
Summer Job Yields Unexpected Lessons
by Matt Higgins

 
TIMEly Features

10 QUESTIONS
For Scott McClellan

 

NOTBULL
Numbers & Quotes

 
FAUX-TURES

ASK DR. CRUISE
Mental Health Advice from the World's Foremost Expert

 

HOLY SHIT!
A Field Guide to Televangelists
by Nick Sorrenti

 

BEAST 5-DAY CELEBRITY FORECAST

 

BUSH SHREDS SKELETOR CRITICS ON BOTH SIDES

 

Sports

The Sports Blotter
The Week in Sports Crime

Cover Page
Buffalo in Briefs
Page 3
Separated at Birth?
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Korner: Movies
[sic] - Letters
 
The BEAST Blog

 

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Last Issue: (78)

THE BEAST PAGE 3
CREEPY SUMMER BUG

Name: Scutigera Coleoptrata, A.K.A. House Centipede

Turn-ons: An arthropod that knows what it wants out of life, warm damp spaces, striking irrational dread into the hearts of organisms a thousand times my size, stopping dead in my tracks when I’m noticed and quickly disappearing by the time you slowwitted chumps return with a shoe to squash me.

Turn-offs: Cats, slippery bathtub walls, Raid, being mistakenly called a Silverfish, kids with tweezers, Carson Daily.

How I Became THE BEAST PAGE 3 Creepy Summer Bug: Well I’m indigenous to the Mediterranean and didn’t make my way to the New York area until about 1885. It’s all been gravy from then on. You know, eating bugs, laying larvae, fitting into small spaces and occasionally running at blistering speeds across the walls in your apartment, just to keep you on your toes.

Future Plans: I see myself getting into movies someday, but in the meantime I’m satisfied crawling all over your bare flesh while you sleep and taking brief naps in your mouth. Ha! Just kidding. I won’t sleep in your mouth; I’ll just excrete a little.

How I’d Like to be Remembered: Not just as a modest arthropod that benefits its human hosts by eating troublesome insects such as carpenter ants and termites, but also as a real bug’s bug, the kind of bug you can always count on to make you leap out of your chair in abject terror.

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