Beast-O-Scopes

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Cancer, let me ask you a question: When you’re driving down the street and you see a clown or some person in a chicken suit beckoning you, does it make you want to buy a couch? Who are these people that convince businesses this tactic will increase sales? As a rule, I hate clowns, and just feel sorry for the poor bastard in the chicken outfit. Maybe if you got to beat the clown when you bought something, there would be some market value to the whole deal.

 

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo, there you are, driving home and suddenly your bowels announce a shit on the horizon, and you had better get home quickly because this is the kind of shit you take at home. The gut pain and pressure increase the closer you get to the house, and threaten to make you soil yourself. As soon as you arrive home and begin to park your gut seemingly senses its proximity to the toilet and makes its move. You wince in pain and fear and struggle to hold it together as you walk up the driveway; each step is like wandering a mine field. You have to walk, Leo, because running is too dangerous. As soon as you reach the door, the shit tries to blitz your ass and you utter some incomprehensible guttural sound, locking your body into a statuesque pose as you use every muscle at your disposal to hold your last line of defense. You get the door open, and with no time for modesty you make a mad dash for the bathroom, frantically undoing your pants on the way, knowing full well that one wasted second and you will in fact shit yourself. You make it to the bathroom and lose control of your bowels before you are even fully planted on the seat. With your dignity intact, Leo, you sit and enjoy the kind of relief one can only feel after narrowly averting a tragedy, like defusing a nuclear bomb.

 

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Virgo, what is it about serial killers than makes them so damn interesting? Maybe it’s that special kind of crazy that can only exist in the darkest corners of a writer’s imagination. The pure horror of the well-organized cannibal or goal-oriented taxidermist is almost beyond comprehension. Then you have the guys that just like to kill near train tracks and the really scary ones that leave coded notes too advanced for even the finest minds to figure out, then just stop killing when they are “finished.” It’s just that you never know who and when, Virgo, and that is why you should think twice before stealing a space in the movie theater parking lot and then laughing at the person you screwed. You just never know what sets these people off, Virgo, or what lessons they may seek to teach.

 

Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)

Hey Libra, what is it about a really annoying and self-centered hair stylist that makes a network feel he deserves his own show? I could be watching something of value on Bravo, but instead I am confronted with the trials and tribulations of an overvalued salon guy who talks about how much he loves hot chicks all the time but is obviously gay. The “Queer Eye” dudes are comfortable with being gay, so why can’t he? Anyway, fuck “Jonathan” and all the horribly shallow people he surrounds himself with. If they let me write the series finale, it would involve boarding up the doors with the cast inside and setting the building on fire. Now that would get some fucking ratings.

 

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Scorpio, here is some advice: When you have to write something on a deadline you probably shouldn’t take a hydrocodone pill and wash it down with a couple gin and tonics. You will surprisingly become less productive, but you will, however, feel absolutely fantastic about it.

 

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Hey Sagittarius, do you think the evangelist asshole who sells “Miracle Water” on television accepts that he is going to Hell or is just betting that there is no afterlife? You can argue either way, but if there is a benevolent God don’t you think a wasps’ nest would drop from the sky onto that scumbag’s head every time he made another public appearance? So maybe there is nothing else. Anyway, I guess I’ll go make some nachos now.

 

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Capricorn, I was wondering if you really thought you were fooling anyone? You pretend to be the nice guy, the funny guy but I can see through your little facade to the true asshole underneath. The way you manipulate those around you into ganging up on those with low self-esteem or pretend to be sincere when looking down your nose at others. You are a real piece of shit Capricorn and I can read your mind like a cheap romance novel. Nothing really funny here, I just wanted to vent because you sicken me so much. If only I could taser you repeatedly without legal ramifications.

 

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aquarius, I have a question for you: What is better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics? It’s an easy question, so I want you to think about it. Taurus will have the answer if you can’t figure it out. Just think for a minute before cheating. What could possibly be better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

 

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Pisces, you know what is frustrating? When you go to a good Jewish deli and order what could be an outstanding sandwich but they won’t give you cheese on it because of the whole meat/dairy religious thing. What kind of outdated shit is that? I don’t force my religious dogma on you so don’t force yours on me. Just give me some cheese man; it’s the twenty-first century, for the love of Ooga-Booga.

 

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Aries, the next time I see you at the office reaching down into your pants, scratching your balls and then sniffing your fingers I will have no choice but to walk up and put a staple in your forehead. After all, one graceless deed deserves another. You can’t wait to go to the bathroom to smell your balls? Most guys can wait until they get home and then it’s still an option. Have some decency, Aries, and don’t let me ever see you rooting around the bagels we take turns bringing in for breakfast…Ball sniffer.

 

 

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Well Taurus, Aquarius is going to ask you an odd question and I want you to give this answer: “Walking.” Sometimes it’s the simple pleasures that make life worth living.

 

Gemini (May 21 –June 20)

Gemini, I am going to ask you a question. Do you think that pedophiles get just as upset as the ten year olds when the Lifeguard calls “Adult Swim” at the public pool and all the kids have to leave? It makes sense that they would, but then again you never know. Just give it some thought, Gemini.