Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

July 13 - 27, 2005

Issue #79

  .....Buffalo's Best Fiend
   

BLOODY HELL
Tony Blair, Right Honourable Hypocrite
by Allan Uthman

 
VICIOUS CYCLE
Nailing the Interview
by Matt Taibbi
 
TO HELL WITH JUDITH MILLER
That's What I Said
by Stan Goff
 

U.S. POLLING INACCURATE, SAYS NEW POLL
100% Polled Asked Wrong Question

by Matt Taibbi

 

THE JOY OF SAILING
Summer Job Yields Unexpected Lessons
by Matt Higgins

 
TIMEly Features

10 QUESTIONS
For Scott McClellan

 

NOTBULL
Numbers & Quotes

 
FAUX-TURES

ASK DR. CRUISE
Mental Health Advice from the World's Foremost Expert

 

HOLY SHIT!
A Field Guide to Televangelists
by Nick Sorrenti

 

BEAST 5-DAY CELEBRITY FORECAST

 

BUSH SHREDS SKELETOR CRITICS ON BOTH SIDES

 

Sports

The Sports Blotter
The Week in Sports Crime

Cover Page
Buffalo in Briefs
Page 3
Separated at Birth?
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Korner: Movies
[sic] - Letters
 
The BEAST Blog

 

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[SIC] - Letters
EYE AGAINST I

Now that the fine officers of the BMPHA have been laid off, because of our financial mess, do we need to install CCTv Closed Circuit television monitors on each corner of a bad neighborhood?

It may not deter crime, because criminals will do and act stupid no matter what, but it would help catch them and provide evidence to prove their guilt in court.

It's a shame that we have gotten to the point of Orwellian surveillance, but when they lay off police and leave the citizens defenseless, what are the alternatives? I'm sure the Buffalo Police will do their very best, but they are being put at higher risk and danger due to the layoffs.

The police have 'one person' police cars and to be safe rather then dead, they would call and wait for backup, if their is a serious situation, and sometimes 'time' is very important, and a minute here or there can mean someone's life.

So do we sacrifice some of our personal liberties for saftey? I think so. What say you?
James Ziolkowski, Buffalo, NY

Oh, sure, James, that’s a great idea. But not for the safety reasons you cite. We want to see “Buffalo Surveillance Television,” or BSTV, on the air 24/7, just broadcasting whatever cameras are catching the most interesting action at the moment. What could be more entertaining than watching some poor guy get mugged and beaten just around the corner from your own house?

Hey, if we wanted to be really safe, we could equip the camera with x-ray capabilities so they could see through walls and directly into our homes! That way, if any of our neighbors are engaged in suspicious activity, we can raid their houses, take their stuff, and send them off for reprogramming. What a secure feeling that would give us, just knowing that the government was constantly watching over us, sort of like a big brother or something.

Only one more question, James—why did you put quotation marks around the word ‘time?’ Is it some kind of Einsteinian joke? Are you distancing yourself from the concept that time actually exists? Or are you just ‘one person’ who likes to put quotes around random words for no reason?


YADDA YADDA

Just shut up or I'll take out yer eye! OK, now relax. I'm sorry I had to beat you bloody and hog-tie you, but you just wouldn't listen. Woops, gotta run to a meeting. Woops gotta go to the bathroom. Woops, time for lunch. All I wanted was to sing you a song. Just a little song would have taken like 30 seconds out of your Very Important Day, but no, you don't have time for assholes like me, so you see this knife? I'm just going to carve out a little time for music. Out of Your day. So just sit there and shut...up... I think you would agree, you have no choice....

This little ditty is to be sung sheepishly, with a Texas accent:

Ahem...

Da-dat, da-dat dat dat Boom

Hello. . . Dolly, this is Dubya. . . Dolly,
Please excuse my stare, but your a special case,
You're looking swell. . . Dolly, I can't tell. . . Dolly,
'Tween your mother's wool and yours, you know, you have her face.
I am afraid. . . cloning, will mean folks. . . owning,
Three or four thousand slaves to do their bidding well. Hell,
Clones could be voters! I hope the GOP orders,
Three or four million new Republi-cans!

There. I feel a lot better now. I...apologize for getting in your face like that. Here, let me loosen those. This embryonic stem cell thing...it's got me all wiggy. Look, if you want to call the cops...I'll wait.
Enjoy your freedom!
Rick McGirr

Not bad, Rick, but the music needs work.


DON’T PUT ON ME

I'm a very loyal reader and just happened to stumble across "CJ" a few nights ago and saw who else but Tom Cruise. Big Bad Cruise suing a small independant paper that offers HARMLESS entertainment. Lighten the fuck up Cruise what do you not have any paparatzi to sue? You have a wife half your age and twice as attactive, life is good. Will putting a much needed refreshement to Western New Yorkers lives make you feel any any better? Thanks again guys love the paper.
SydBear20

Hey SydBear,
Thanks. Next time, try reading the e-mail before you hit 'send.’

SO 2½ MONTHS AGO

Eating up every issue when it rolls off the press, then starving two weeks to the next Beast feast. Binge. Purge. Binge.
Keep it up. Was a little disappointed that you hadn't jumped on the current Cruise Bashwagon (but you were on early, so that's cool), but that just made the Katie Holmes reference in the Batman review all the tastier. Mmmmm.
Jeff

Let’s face it, Jeff, we spearheaded the charge against Cruise, and now we’re getting no credit for our pioneering work in the Cruise-bashing field. We did it when it was still cool, causing him to act ever weirder in the process. Now Joe Scarborough makes fun of him. If all we did was repeat ourselves, well, we’d probably be successful. Get your own nemeses, mainstream media!


ANTI-OBSEQUIOUS

Gents,
In reading the letters to y'all this past issue I noticed that you've gone all *agreeable* or something. Oh sure, there was that one response by Uthman (if that's his real name), but that was more along the lines of a precisely logical rejoinder to a complete asshole, albeit one in which Uthman used all sorts of nasty words to call out the writer as a purulent boil.

But as for the other letters, nary a peep. Just, "Yup, we agree", and, "You bet! You're absolutely right!"

What's happened to the gratuitous insults to peeps that simply make the mistake of writing a semi-coherent letter to you? For crying out loud, that's 90% of the fun of it. If you keep it up I'm going to have to skip the letters section.

P.S. You're all dickwads. Tom Cruise is great, why are you attacking him? Why do you hate Bush, religion, and this great country? &tc.
Fast Eddy

Eddy,
Gee whiz! You’re absolutely right! We apologize, and we’ll try to be more disagreeable in the future! Thanks a lot for setting us straight, reader! And thanks for the letter!


TOP 4 LOATHSOME BUFFALONIANS

what's up guys..I would have to go with:

1)Joel the douchebag Giambra
2)fuckhead Giambra
3)split-chin, the county executive

and last but not least:

4)Joel "The fuckbag who deserves to have his chin split back open and his own balls inserted if he actually has any" Giambra.

sorry about all the bullshit

no I'm not

thanks
local9

Wow, local9, even we think #4’s a little harsh. Besides, after Giambra-cronies have been once again discovered working County jobs, who could possibly argue that he doesn’t have massive testicles?


HUNGRY FOR JUSTICE

Dear Editors and staff,
My friends and I have been reading the Beast for years. My partner brought home the 'Buffalo Summer Spectacular' issue and I began to read it tonight. It immediately became clear to me that as a member of the human race and as a woman, I needed to write to you.

I am enraged and disgusted by Josh Righter's article "Anorexic Realizes She Just Has to Eat." I cannot find words strong enough to express how deeply this article hurt and disturbed me. Every day or my life as a Bulimic/Anorexic I knew (as all who suffer from the disease do) that I needed to eat and keep my food down to stay alive.

This article displays extremely inappropriate humor towards the disease. I joke about my eating disorder. I am not saying you cannot find humor in the experience of being an eating disordered individual. What I am saying, is a man who has never had an eating disorder himself and who has never seen someone slowly and painfully die of starvation does not have the right to even suggest that the disease is easily curable.

I fought against this disease for years. I can personally say that I have never in my life put more effort, willpower, money, and heart into anything. After SEVEN YEARS and months in a treatment center with a locked bathroom door and supervised eating; I won. Not everyone is so lucky.

This article is greatly miseducating and misleading readers through the mere suggestion that there is truth to the myth that Anorexics simply need to eat. I understand it is a joke, but until the masses understand that eating disorders run tens of thousands of lives and kill five to ten percent of the afflicted- we cannot joke about it being a matter of stupidity.

I am beginning a boycott of the Beast on behalf of Righter's article. I hope to be joined by my friends, family and other recovered and suffering individuals.

With disappointment,
Anya A.

Anya,
So, you’ve been reading The Beast for years, you say? In other words, you have merrily laughed along as we made fun of old people, Christians, dying popes, the mentally disabled, battered women, torture subjects, the recently dead, closet homosexuals, minorities, children, vegetables and many other worthy targets. But as soon as we make a joke involving a group of people you yourself belong to, it’s a federal case. You have a sense of humor about everything but yourself. Well that’s too fucking bad, Anya.

To say an obviously phony article is “miseducating” is to make the mistake of assuming that it is in any way meant to inform people of anything, which it clearly isn’t. However, if you were at all thoughtful or perceptive, you might have noticed that the only thing that makes the article funny is the very absurdity of the notion that anorexics just haven’t figured out that they need to eat, when the situation is clearly more complicated than that. Read it again, and pay special attention to “Carlton Hicks,” who appears 7 paragraphs into the piece. Hicks is the one who first ‘enlightens’ the fictional anorexic that she must eat food. “God! Some people!” He says. “Eat some food, you freaks, and stop complaining!”

You see, the Hicks character represents a certain kind of dipshit we all encounter in this world, one who thinks everybody else’s problems are simple and easy to fix. That type of person is the true focus of derision in this article, not self-starving women. You might have noticed this, if you were a more perceptive person, by the way Hicks is praised for his insight in a ludicrous, over the top manner: “And that’s when it hit me: I just had to eat,” the anorexic says. “Thank God for Carlton,” she goes on, “that man is the genius of our times.” Too subtle for you? How about this: Hicks is then offered jobs by various pharmaceutical firms. A Merck spokesman lauds him for “setting a remarkable new trend in modern medicine: making everyone realize that they just have to stop being babies and just get better.” He advises a depression sufferer to “cheer the fuck up.” This is all very clearly a joke about the guy who says anorexics just need to eat, not about anorexics.

In other words, you have completely misunderstood the article. Congratulations.

You can’t really boycott a free paper, but hey, knock yourself out. In fact, if you could come down and picket our office, that’d be great. Just be sure and let us know when, so we can be sure and get some pictures of your fat ass.


GRAND OLE PERSECUTION COMPLEX

InKorrect Greetings From The Free State of PIG:

Thank you for the glowing compliments (Beast Blog 07/04/05). For the record, "left-bashing" and "liberal-haters" is the nicest thing anyone has called us in months. Recently, we were told - quite vociferously - that PIG is such a blight on Al Gore's Information Superhighway that we deserve to be forcibly exterminated by a hostile, Eminent Domain takeover. Compared with all that unrelenting hostility, your prose warms the cockles of our heart, assuming, of course, that dastardly dweebs like us have hearts...

Everyone in PIG's top secret bunker is thrilled spitless that we managed to register on the Buffalo Beast's radar. Why? Believe it or not, your publication is very popular here in the bunker. Curiously, our most recent melee - our publisher insists that we call them 'meetings' for same asinine reason - ensued during a punchout over which Buffalo Beast issue is our favorite. Although your Twerpy Tommy Cruise issue garnered the most votes, I'm still holding out for the issue that crowned Terry Schiavo "America's Favorite Vegetable". The cover shot for that issue was perfection!

On behalf of PIG, I sincerely apologize if our kind words about your entertaining publication in any way besmirched your reputation among the legions of enlightened "elites" who give the vast right-wingnut conspirators heartburn.

T. D. Treat
Executive Editor, The Politically Incorrect Gazette

Trust us, T.D., our reputation among orthodox bleeding hearts could not be further besmirched. Good luck fighting those oppressive, tyrannical liberals! It must be hard for you conservatives, only controlling three branches of the federal government. There’s gotta be what, like, ten of those? Hey, at least Republicans are tolerant and reasonable, right? Fight the power!

POLITICSWNY AND SCIENTOLOGY: EQUALLY WEIRD?

Hi Paul,
I read the Beast's comments on PoliticsWNY.com in one of your issues. Are you aware that the Editor for that magazine is a longtime Scientologist? His name is Glenn Gramigna. You can read a little bit about him at this website, http://www-2.cs.cmu.edu/~dst/JeremyPerkins/, under the Time-line and Coverup section. Glenn was a close friend of Elli Perkins and wrote about her after her son Jeremy, killed her. In the article he admits to Jeremy being reported as hearing voices (schzophrenia). However, Jeremy was treated with scientology and vitamins, and was never allowed proper help before he had his psycotic break and stabbed his mother to death.

My website, buffaloscientologyinfo.com, which is link to the perkinstragedy.org site, is currently suspended due the Scientology's legal threats to my ISP. Scientology's attorneys threatened me twice, first, when that didn't work they went to my ISP. I am in the process of fighting to get it back online.

Another Buffalo scientologist, Charles Abramo works for the Editor, Glenn Gramigna at PoliticsWNY.com. I have email communication from him. I also have a few Knowledge Reports written by Charles Abramo regarding my brother, Fred Lennox.

I have noticed in the past that Glenn Gramigna also has written fluffy pieces on Supreme Court Judge Nelson Cosgrove. Nelson Cosgrove is the judge that settle the suit between the city of Buffalo and the Church of Scientology. The settlement was webbed on my site, before the suspension.

Judge Nelson Cosgrove appears to be a friend of the Joseph Sgroi family who are supporting the Buffalo Scientology Org financially according to
exmembers. Cosgrove married Sgroi's son and is mentioned in a few of his business newsletters.

Retired Sheriff Patrick Gallivan is also a friendly associciate of Sgroi's which was pointed out on the website.

After the Buffalo News ran their series exposing the Church in Buffalo, Cofs ran their own counter newspaper (which they printed themselves on their own presses on the second floor of the org) featuring the Joseph Sgroi family and referring to the Buffalo News as "Merchants of Chaos".

I have a copy of that if you didn't see it.

Anyways, I like what your doing to expose Tom Cruise. Thanks for the laughs.
Tanya Durni

That’s it, Tanya. No one takes our title. The Buffalo News may be lazy and connected, but nobody takes the “Merchants of Chaos” title from us.


CANADIAN JOURNO HATES AMERICA

Hello again, Al.
I'm sitting here writing my story, and still laughing over the cartoon map (the "artist's conception) you ran with that post-election editorial last fall [“O Buffalo,” Beast #62, 10/10/04]. Is there any way you could e-mail me a jpeg (or whatever format) of that cartoon, for possible use as an illustration for my piece? It would be subject to editors making space for it of course (which is beyond my power to control, as I'm sure you can appreciate), but I think if they see it, they'll want to use it.
Tony Reinhart,
The Globe and Mail

We kind of figured, Tony, that your editors wouldn’t go for the ‘illustration,’ but thanks for pulling for us anyway. And thanks for the shout-out in last Monday’s G&M. At this rate, we’ll be liberal media elites in no time!

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