Now that the fine officers of the BMPHA have
been laid off, because of our financial mess, do we need to
install CCTv Closed Circuit television monitors on each corner
of a bad neighborhood?
It may not deter crime, because criminals
will do and act stupid no matter what, but it would help catch
them and provide evidence to prove their guilt in court.
It's a shame that we have gotten to the point
of Orwellian surveillance, but when they lay off police and
leave the citizens defenseless, what are the alternatives?
I'm sure the Buffalo Police will do their very best, but they
are being put at higher risk and danger due to the layoffs.
The police have 'one person' police cars and
to be safe rather then dead, they would call and wait for
backup, if their is a serious situation, and sometimes 'time'
is very important, and a minute here or there can mean someone's
So do we sacrifice some of our personal liberties
for saftey? I think so. What say you?
James Ziolkowski, Buffalo, NY
Oh, sure, James, that’s a great
idea. But not for the safety reasons you cite. We want to
see “Buffalo Surveillance Television,” or BSTV,
on the air 24/7, just broadcasting whatever cameras are catching
the most interesting action at the moment. What could be more
entertaining than watching some poor guy get mugged and beaten
just around the corner from your own house?
Hey, if we wanted to be really safe, we
could equip the camera with x-ray capabilities so they could
see through walls and directly into our homes! That way, if
any of our neighbors are engaged in suspicious activity, we
can raid their houses, take their stuff, and send them off
for reprogramming. What a secure feeling that would give us,
just knowing that the government was constantly watching over
us, sort of like a big brother or something.
Only one more question, James—why
did you put quotation marks around the word ‘time?’
Is it some kind of Einsteinian joke? Are you distancing yourself
from the concept that time actually exists? Or are you just
‘one person’ who likes to put quotes around random
words for no reason?
Just shut up or I'll take out yer eye! OK,
now relax. I'm sorry I had to beat you bloody and hog-tie
you, but you just wouldn't listen. Woops, gotta run to a meeting.
Woops gotta go to the bathroom. Woops, time for lunch. All
I wanted was to sing you a song. Just a little song would
have taken like 30 seconds out of your Very Important Day,
but no, you don't have time for assholes like me, so you see
this knife? I'm just going to carve out a little time for
music. Out of Your day. So just sit there and shut...up...
I think you would agree, you have no choice....
This little ditty is to be sung sheepishly,
with a Texas accent:
Da-dat, da-dat dat dat Boom
Hello. . . Dolly, this is Dubya. . . Dolly,
Please excuse my stare, but your a special case,
You're looking swell. . . Dolly, I can't tell. . . Dolly,
'Tween your mother's wool and yours, you know, you have her
I am afraid. . . cloning, will mean folks. . . owning,
Three or four thousand slaves to do their bidding well. Hell,
Clones could be voters! I hope the GOP orders,
Three or four million new Republi-cans!
There. I feel a lot better now. I...apologize
for getting in your face like that. Here, let me loosen those.
This embryonic stem cell thing...it's got me all wiggy. Look,
if you want to call the cops...I'll wait.
Enjoy your freedom!
Not bad, Rick, but the music needs work.
DON’T PUT ON ME
I'm a very loyal reader and just happened
to stumble across "CJ" a few nights ago and saw
who else but Tom Cruise. Big Bad Cruise suing a small independant
paper that offers HARMLESS entertainment. Lighten the fuck
up Cruise what do you not have any paparatzi to sue? You have
a wife half your age and twice as attactive, life is good.
Will putting a much needed refreshement to Western New Yorkers
lives make you feel any any better? Thanks again guys love
Thanks. Next time, try reading the e-mail before you hit 'send.’
SO 2½ MONTHS AGO
Eating up every issue when it rolls off the
press, then starving two weeks to the next Beast feast. Binge.
Keep it up. Was a little disappointed that you hadn't jumped
on the current Cruise Bashwagon (but you were on early, so
that's cool), but that just made the Katie Holmes reference
in the Batman review all the tastier. Mmmmm.
Let’s face it, Jeff, we
spearheaded the charge against Cruise, and now we’re
getting no credit for our pioneering work in the Cruise-bashing
field. We did it when it was still cool, causing him to act
ever weirder in the process. Now Joe Scarborough makes fun
of him. If all we did was repeat ourselves, well, we’d
probably be successful. Get your own nemeses, mainstream media!
In reading the letters to y'all this past issue I noticed
that you've gone all *agreeable* or something. Oh sure, there
was that one response by Uthman (if that's his real name),
but that was more along the lines of a precisely logical rejoinder
to a complete asshole, albeit one in which Uthman used all
sorts of nasty words to call out the writer as a purulent
But as for the other letters, nary a peep.
Just, "Yup, we agree", and, "You bet! You're
What's happened to the gratuitous insults
to peeps that simply make the mistake of writing a semi-coherent
letter to you? For crying out loud, that's 90% of the fun
of it. If you keep it up I'm going to have to skip the letters
P.S. You're all dickwads. Tom Cruise is great,
why are you attacking him? Why do you hate Bush, religion,
and this great country? &tc.
Gee whiz! You’re absolutely right! We apologize, and
we’ll try to be more disagreeable in the future! Thanks
a lot for setting us straight, reader! And thanks for the
TOP 4 LOATHSOME BUFFALONIANS
what's up guys..I would have to go with:
1)Joel the douchebag Giambra
3)split-chin, the county executive
and last but not least:
4)Joel "The fuckbag who deserves to have
his chin split back open and his own balls inserted if he
actually has any" Giambra.
sorry about all the bullshit
no I'm not
Wow, local9, even we think #4’s
a little harsh. Besides, after Giambra-cronies have been once
again discovered working County jobs, who could possibly argue
that he doesn’t have massive testicles?
HUNGRY FOR JUSTICE
Dear Editors and staff,
My friends and I have been reading the Beast for years. My
partner brought home the 'Buffalo Summer Spectacular' issue
and I began to read it tonight. It immediately became clear
to me that as a member of the human race and as a woman, I
needed to write to you.
I am enraged and disgusted by Josh Righter's
article "Anorexic Realizes She Just Has to Eat."
I cannot find words strong enough to express how deeply this
article hurt and disturbed me. Every day or my life as a Bulimic/Anorexic
I knew (as all who suffer from the disease do) that I needed
to eat and keep my food down to stay alive.
This article displays extremely inappropriate
humor towards the disease. I joke about my eating disorder.
I am not saying you cannot find humor in the experience of
being an eating disordered individual. What I am saying, is
a man who has never had an eating disorder himself and who
has never seen someone slowly and painfully die of starvation
does not have the right to even suggest that the disease is
I fought against this disease for years.
I can personally say that I have never in my life put more
effort, willpower, money, and heart into anything. After SEVEN
YEARS and months in a treatment center with a locked bathroom
door and supervised eating; I won. Not everyone is so lucky.
This article is greatly miseducating and misleading readers
through the mere suggestion that there is truth to the myth
that Anorexics simply need to eat. I understand it is a joke,
but until the masses understand that eating disorders run
tens of thousands of lives and kill five to ten percent of
the afflicted- we cannot joke about it being a matter of stupidity.
I am beginning a boycott of the Beast on
behalf of Righter's article. I hope to be joined by my friends,
family and other recovered and suffering individuals.
So, you’ve been reading The Beast for years, you say?
In other words, you have merrily laughed along as we made
fun of old people, Christians, dying popes, the mentally disabled,
battered women, torture subjects, the recently dead, closet
homosexuals, minorities, children, vegetables and many other
worthy targets. But as soon as we make a joke involving a
group of people you yourself belong to, it’s a federal
case. You have a sense of humor about everything but yourself.
Well that’s too fucking bad, Anya.
To say an obviously phony article is “miseducating”
is to make the mistake of assuming that it is in any way meant
to inform people of anything, which it clearly isn’t.
However, if you were at all thoughtful or perceptive, you
might have noticed that the only thing that makes the article
funny is the very absurdity of the notion that anorexics just
haven’t figured out that they need to eat, when the
situation is clearly more complicated than that. Read it again,
and pay special attention to “Carlton Hicks,”
who appears 7 paragraphs into the piece. Hicks is the one
who first ‘enlightens’ the fictional anorexic
that she must eat food. “God! Some people!” He
says. “Eat some food, you freaks, and stop complaining!”
You see, the Hicks character represents
a certain kind of dipshit we all encounter in this world,
one who thinks everybody else’s problems are simple
and easy to fix. That type of person is the true focus of
derision in this article, not self-starving women. You might
have noticed this, if you were a more perceptive person, by
the way Hicks is praised for his insight in a ludicrous, over
the top manner: “And that’s when it hit me: I
just had to eat,” the anorexic says. “Thank God
for Carlton,” she goes on, “that man is the genius
of our times.” Too subtle for you? How about this: Hicks
is then offered jobs by various pharmaceutical firms. A Merck
spokesman lauds him for “setting a remarkable new trend
in modern medicine: making everyone realize that they just
have to stop being babies and just get better.” He advises
a depression sufferer to “cheer the fuck up.”
This is all very clearly a joke about the guy who says anorexics
just need to eat, not about anorexics.
In other words, you have completely misunderstood
the article. Congratulations.
You can’t really boycott a free
paper, but hey, knock yourself out. In fact, if you could
come down and picket our office, that’d be great. Just
be sure and let us know when, so we can be sure and get some
pictures of your fat ass.
GRAND OLE PERSECUTION COMPLEX
InKorrect Greetings From The Free State of
Thank you for the glowing compliments (Beast
Blog 07/04/05). For the record, "left-bashing" and
"liberal-haters" is the nicest thing anyone has
called us in months. Recently, we were told - quite vociferously
- that PIG is such a blight on Al Gore's Information Superhighway
that we deserve to be forcibly exterminated by a hostile,
Eminent Domain takeover. Compared with all that unrelenting
hostility, your prose warms the cockles of our heart, assuming,
of course, that dastardly dweebs like us have hearts...
Everyone in PIG's top secret bunker is thrilled
spitless that we managed to register on the Buffalo Beast's
radar. Why? Believe it or not, your publication is very popular
here in the bunker. Curiously, our most recent melee - our
publisher insists that we call them 'meetings' for same asinine
reason - ensued during a punchout over which Buffalo Beast
issue is our favorite. Although your Twerpy Tommy Cruise issue
garnered the most votes, I'm still holding out for the issue
that crowned Terry Schiavo "America's Favorite Vegetable".
The cover shot for that issue was perfection!
On behalf of PIG, I sincerely apologize if
our kind words about your entertaining publication in any
way besmirched your reputation among the legions of enlightened
"elites" who give the vast right-wingnut conspirators
T. D. Treat
Executive Editor, The Politically Incorrect Gazette
Trust us, T.D., our reputation among orthodox
bleeding hearts could not be further besmirched. Good luck
fighting those oppressive, tyrannical liberals! It must be
hard for you conservatives, only controlling three branches
of the federal government. There’s gotta be what, like,
ten of those? Hey, at least Republicans are tolerant and reasonable,
right? Fight the power!