and Angelina Shouldn’t Adopt
don’t get me wrong, I’m all for helping out Ethiopian orphans
and whatnot, but by adopting rather than having their own
child, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will be depriving humanity
of quite possibly the most beautiful human ever created.
We cannot allow this to happen.
sure they wouldn’t adopt an ugly child on purpose, but whomever
they choose to adopt will be a serious dog compared to their
potential offspring. Can you even imagine how gorgeous he/she
would be? No you can’t, because such incredible gorgeousness
has never been seen before!
can think of nothing else that would bring our divided nation
closer together than watching Angelina’s belly slowly swell
up and Brad beam with joy on the Tonight Show. In this post
9/11 world, this is exactly what we need. How could Brad
and Angelina be so selfish? Perhaps Angelina is worried
about what pregnancy will do to her body—certainly this
is not a trivial issue. But a couple of stretch marks in
exchange for the world’s most perfect being is a sacrifice
well worth making.
claim they are trying to improve the world, but how—by intentionally
raising an ugly child? There are far too many ugly children
already. What this country and the whole world needs is
a baby so beautiful that it could inspire ‘oohs’ and ‘ahhs’
from even the most cynical amongst us.
is only one celebrity couple that can do this, and to see
them walking around with some substandard baby saddens my
heart. Who else can we rely on for the cutest baby ever
made? Britney and Kevin, Ben and Jennifer, Jennifer Aniston
and Vince Vaughn? Give me a break. Have you ever seen Kevin
time for Mr. and Mrs. Smith to stop thinking of themselves,
for a change, and start making beautiful babies. Such a
fabulous celebrity convergence may never happen again and
it would be a real tragedy to see nothing come of it but
an empty gesture of good will.
Angelina, for the love of God, make us the most pristine,
unbelievably beautiful child the world has ever witnessed,
who would almost certainly grow up to be the sexiest person
in human history, and eventually rule over an awestruck
nation, easily defeating Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ child
in an electoral landslide. Your flawlessly appealing child’s
birthday will become a national holiday. We are all counting