Brad and Angelina Shouldn’t Adopt

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for helping out Ethiopian orphans and whatnot, but by adopting rather than having their own child, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will be depriving humanity of quite possibly the most beautiful human ever created. We cannot allow this to happen.

I’m sure they wouldn’t adopt an ugly child on purpose, but whomever they choose to adopt will be a serious dog compared to their potential offspring. Can you even imagine how gorgeous he/she would be? No you can’t, because such incredible gorgeousness has never been seen before!

I can think of nothing else that would bring our divided nation closer together than watching Angelina’s belly slowly swell up and Brad beam with joy on the Tonight Show. In this post 9/11 world, this is exactly what we need. How could Brad and Angelina be so selfish? Perhaps Angelina is worried about what pregnancy will do to her body—certainly this is not a trivial issue. But a couple of stretch marks in exchange for the world’s most perfect being is a sacrifice well worth making.

They claim they are trying to improve the world, but how—by intentionally raising an ugly child? There are far too many ugly children already. What this country and the whole world needs is a baby so beautiful that it could inspire ‘oohs’ and ‘ahhs’ from even the most cynical amongst us.

There is only one celebrity couple that can do this, and to see them walking around with some substandard baby saddens my heart. Who else can we rely on for the cutest baby ever made? Britney and Kevin, Ben and Jennifer, Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn? Give me a break. Have you ever seen Kevin Federline?

It’s time for Mr. and Mrs. Smith to stop thinking of themselves, for a change, and start making beautiful babies. Such a fabulous celebrity convergence may never happen again and it would be a real tragedy to see nothing come of it but an empty gesture of good will.

Brad, Angelina, for the love of God, make us the most pristine, unbelievably beautiful child the world has ever witnessed, who would almost certainly grow up to be the sexiest person in human history, and eventually rule over an awestruck nation, easily defeating Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ child in an electoral landslide. Your flawlessly appealing child’s birthday will become a national holiday. We are all counting on you.