Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

July 27 - August 10, 2005
Issue #80

  ..Buffalo's Best Fiend
   

Mercury Rising
Big Media Buys the Pharm
by Allan Uthman

 
Taibbi Come Lately
Beast Founder Discovers Ohio
by Matt Taibbi
 
In Defense of Stupidity
Krauthammer: Down with Thinking
by Allan Uthman
 

Misadventures of Boy Wonder
Rove was Always a Scandal

by Matt Taibbi

 

Shred Man Talking
Gonzalez, Ashcroft Have a Chat
by Allan Uthman

 
FAUX-TURES

Create your own Action Movie
Connect-the-Cliches and Make it Big in Hollywood!

 

Local Car Dealer Eats Entire Ham
Chris Crawford

 

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Brad & Angelina Shouldn't Adopt
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You're All Going to Hell
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Last Issue: (79)

Local Car Dealer Consumes Entire Ham
By Chris Crawford

Local car mogul and monosyllabic television personality Billy Fuccillo stunned dozens of car-seekers last Friday when he walked onto the sales floor at Fuccillo Chevrolet in Grand Island, and proceeded to eat an entire eleven-pound smoked ham.

According to eyewitness reports, Fuccillo wandered, seemingly lost, into the middle of the showroom with a “glazed” look on his face and holding a large ham with both hands. It was then that Mr. Fuccillo reportedly said, “Ham good,” and began ravenously devouring the ham, looking up only to make guttural noises while sloppily chewing large chunks of meat. An embarrassed and panic-stricken sales staff rushed in with brooms, attempting to shoo the resistant Fuccillo back into his office with no success. Fuccillo esily fended off his attackers with the tattered ham, loudly declaring it to be “huge.”

Fuccillo’s resistance was apparently reinforced by a “very animated” Tom Parks. Parks, a well known commercial pitchman and hired gun, was heard shouting, “No one eats ham like Billy Huge-cillo!,” and “you’re not just the man Billy, you’re the ham man!” this scene continued for over an hour, until only a large bone covered in teeth marks and small bits of fat was left.

It was only then that Fuccillo reportedly stood up, wiped his pork grease covered hands through his hair and fell asleep in the back of a Chevy Yukon, which is said to be the roomiest of the Chevrolet line of SUVs. Once Fuccillo was safely locked inside the vehicle, business returned to normal with sales staff carrying on as though nothing had happened.

Parks was later seen chasing a low flying balloon across the parking lot.

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