Local Car Dealer Consumes Entire Ham
By
Chris Crawford
 Local
car mogul and monosyllabic television personality Billy Fuccillo
stunned dozens of car-seekers last Friday when he walked onto
the sales floor at Fuccillo Chevrolet in Grand Island, and
proceeded to eat an entire eleven-pound smoked ham.
According
to eyewitness reports, Fuccillo wandered, seemingly lost,
into the middle of the showroom with a “glazed”
look on his face and holding a large ham with both hands.
It was then that Mr. Fuccillo reportedly said, “Ham
good,” and began ravenously devouring the ham, looking
up only to make guttural noises while sloppily chewing large
chunks of meat. An embarrassed and panic-stricken sales staff
rushed in with brooms, attempting to shoo the resistant Fuccillo
back into his office with no success. Fuccillo esily fended
off his attackers with the tattered ham, loudly declaring
it to be “huge.”
Fuccillo’s
resistance was apparently reinforced by a “very animated”
Tom Parks. Parks, a well known commercial pitchman and hired
gun, was heard shouting, “No one eats ham like Billy
Huge-cillo!,” and “you’re not just the man
Billy, you’re the ham man!” this scene continued
for over an hour, until only a large bone covered in teeth
marks and small bits of fat was left.
It
was only then that Fuccillo reportedly stood up, wiped his
pork grease covered hands through his hair and fell asleep
in the back of a Chevy Yukon, which is said to be the roomiest
of the Chevrolet line of SUVs. Once Fuccillo was safely locked
inside the vehicle, business returned to normal with sales
staff carrying on as though nothing had happened.
Parks
was later seen chasing a low flying balloon across the parking
lot.
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