Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo, I was reading an article in the newspaper the other day that went into detail about all of the beaches in Western New being closed because the level of fecal matter in the water was found to be six times above normal. That’s right Leo, the levels of poo in the local beach water are six times the normal amount. I will note the key word in that last sentence was not “poo” but rather “normal” because “normal” is really far away from “acceptable.” How much poo is acceptable? Who determined these standards and how? I should also clarify that we are not talking about fish shit here, but rather shit of the “I probably should not have eaten that fifth Texas Red Hot” variety. It’s really not worth delving deeper into how completely fucked up the whole thing is. Anyway, there’s not much else to say here, Leo, except that your moon is in Saturn and don’t order the fish.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Virgo, I know what haunting question you seek to have answered. You want to know “When will I stop being plagued by extremely old people driving really new and sporty cars agonizingly slowly every time I am trying to go somewhere?” Well I have to tell you that, unless you get that curse lifted, you will pretty much have to wait for all the old people to die. You brought this on yourself Virgo, because I warned you about farting on that gypsy woman’s tambourine when we were at that festival..

 

Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)

Hey Libra, Liberal Liberal Arab Arab Arab, Liberal Liberal Liberal Terrorist Terrorist Liberal Arab Terrorist. Terror Attack Liberal Terrorist Arab Rape Room Liberal Terror Terror Terror. Liberal Cell Muslim Extremists Liberal Terror Arab Arab, Liberal Insurgent Terrorist Terror Attack Freedom. Arab Liberal Terrorist Liberal Attack, Liberal Insurgent Extremist Terror Arab Liberal Muslim Terrorist Socialized Medicine Liberal Terror.

The preceding Beast-O-Scope was sponsored by Fox News, the most powerful name in news. And that’s what’s important about a news agency, power.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Scorpio, look to Neptune for the next two weeks and listen to a lot of the Talking Heads, because David Byrne is awesome. I guarantee you will start feeling better about things and maybe you will even gain back enough self-esteem to tell the Sallie Mae Student Loan Servicing Corporation to go fuck itself and you’ll pay them back when you get a job with that shitbox diploma in this shitbox economy. Workers Unite, Scorpio!

 

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Hey Sagittarius, I know you really want to know the creative stew that goes into writing these handy dandy Beast-O-Scopes. Well Sagittarius the recipe really is quite simple; farts, penis jokes, cable television, poo, Vicodin, boobs, agnosticism, anal intrusion, a college degree, the internet, an angry girlfriend and a stunning lack of taste. That’s right Sagittarius, don’t fuck with me, I’m a professional.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Capricorn, I just wanted to let you know that your neighbor has been masturbating in your pool every night for the last month. What neighbor, you ask? Well I wouldn’t worry about the old man with the well manicured lawn; instead look to the fellow with the faded Buffalo Bills sign in his picture window who watches your wife come and go from work with interest. Lock the windows Capricorn, and you might want to keep your snorkel inside from now on.

 

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aquarius, remember when we were having a discussion on who the biggest loser in Buffalo New York was and we couldn’t really decide because we had written down so many names? Well I think I have the winner: “Airborne Eddie” from that shitty Beat Off Cinema show who somehow parlayed his uslessness into a job on Channel 7 News. That fucking dude sucks, and I hope that someday soon during one of those pointless, charisma-barren Channel 7 segments he does about produce or wicker, he opens a door and is attacked by a swarm of hornets and a pack of rabid pitbulls on live Television. Fuck you Eddy, you talentless clod.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Pisces, the next time you come over I would like to rub Virgin Olive Oil all over your magnificent boobs. As you may or may not know, I have given this a lot of thought and I am sure it’s the best thing for me to do.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Aries, why are you so angry? I am in a room full of guys when you call and you know I am in a room full of guys when you call but you still get mad at me because of the dismissive tone of my voice. You know I can’t be all cute on the phone with the guys around; it just doesn’t happen. It’s Guy Code for Christ’s sake; we all do it but not in front of each other because it’s like blood in the water. As soon as the other guys in the room know it’s the girlfriend on the phone they watch and wait for you to weaken so as to attack like sharks as soon as the call is over, or possibly make fun of you when you go to the bathroom if you seem to be a really big pussy. Aries my dear, it is just as it has always been; monkeys with pointed sticks.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Well Taurus, everything was going well at the party until you shat in the inflatable kiddie pool. Fat chance you will ever get invited over there again, Taurus. You could have at least given the kids a chance to get out of the pool.

Gemini (May 21 –June 20)

Gemini, we have been over this before but you just don’t seem to get it. You can’t be the leader of a Boy Scout troop if you plan on having sex with the boys. It won’t work out, it never does work out and you really need to either control your urges or shoot yourself in the head with a large caliber handgun. I know you don’t like your options, but they are the only ones I can give you.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Cancer, I respect the fact that you work for a living, even if the job you have is not considered desirable. You get up everyday and sell that Kentucky Fried Chicken with a smile on your face for forty plus hours a week and my hat is off to you because there are lesser people than you who sit home on their broke asses doing nothing because they consider themselves “too good” for a job like yours. With that said, Cancer, I have to say that my respect for you is stable and does not require an autobiographical detailing of your two-year tenure at KFC while I wait for twenty-five minutes at the drive-thru for my chicken. I understand you’re excited that after two years they feel you are finally ready to cook, but I really have to point out that a semi-retarded monkey could be trained to cook fried chicken and biscuits in less than three months. Hell, a really smart monkey like Clyde from “Every Which Way but Loose” could pick that shit up in less than three weeks, would be my guess.