The World is Going to End in 11 Months

As the faithful have long known, the apocalypse as described in the book of Revelations is inevitable and we’ve all just been trying to keep ourselves busy until then. Apparently there will be a lot of trumpets and goats or something to let us know when all this is going to happen. It is well understood that all the righteous will ascend to heaven (like me) and all the sinners will go directly to hell (like you).

Perhaps you believe you are a good Christian. Well, I can tell you that you probably are not. Have you ever masturbated? Had premarital sex? Oral? Anal? Pulled out prior to ejaculation? Do you eat shellfish? Wear cotton/poly blends? Ever swore at your parents? Coveted things? Taken the Lord’s name in vain? Enjoyed rock music? If so, you’re going to hell.

“Oh not to worry,” you might say, “there’s plenty of time for me to become a proper Christian; I have plenty of time to be a dirty sinner.” But the end times may be coming sooner than you think. Revelations (13:18) describes the coming of the beast in cryptic numerical terms. The number, 666, as you are all familiar, has been widely interpreted by scholars and theologians alike. If you ask me, it clearly means June 6, 2006. And if you don’t believe me, maybe you will when your flesh is being charred from your bones in the eternal damnation of hell. Anyway, you’ll have a long time to think about it then.

It’s not a stretch, considering the shape the world is in and the extent of moral depravity that surrounds us. Besides, God wrote the bible, and if he says the world is definitely going to end on June 6, 2006, then the world is going to end on June 6, 2006. Everything else in the bible has come true; why wouldn’t this?