Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend

August 10 - 24, 2005
Issue #81

  ..Buffalo's Best Fiend
The BEAST 25 Most Loathsome Buffalonians
Queen City Loathing

Legislative Juice
Palmiero Charged for War Crimes
Matt Taibbi

Here Comes the Sun
But it's Not All Right
Alexander Zaitchik
A Mighty Wind
Green Power Threatens Corporations
Kit Smith

Tough All Over
Upstate Sucks; No One Cares

Shawn Ewald


Ohio Player
An Interview with Rep. Sherrod Brown
Matt Taibbi


Bush Names New Planet "Little Arbusto"
N Sorrentl


God Hates Boy Scouts
Scott Wagner

The BEAST Blog
Buffalo in Briefs
The Sports Blotter
The Week in Sports Crime
Page 3
Separated at Birth?
Kino Korner: Movies
[sic] - Letters
 Cover Page

Idiot Box
Perry Bible Fellowship
Bob the Angry Flower

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Last Issue: (80)

Bush Demands New Planet be Named ‘Little Arbusto’
By N. Sorrenti

WASHINGTON - Top White House officials announced that a previously unknown planet discovered on the outer rim of our solar system would henceforth be known as “Little Arbusto,” and that calling the planet “Sedna” or any other name would be unlawful.

“We’re not sure how to handle this situation,” Said Ted Whitinski, NASA project manager. “We had come up with some befitting scientific names for the tenth planet, but a threatening fax from Dick Cheney has made us think twice about going public with them.”

Whitinski went on to detail the fax, allegedly sent by Vice President Cheney on August 2.

“It stated that ‘the very sun, moon and stars’ exist to amuse George W. Bush, and that if we tried to name the planet anything ‘Science-esque,’ we would be shipped in gorilla crates to Guantanamo Bay, where our scrotal skin would be stripped off with a belt sander.” The fax reportedly went on to detail how scientists’ families would be interned in 1940s-style camps, and how their gold teeth would be seized and melted down into charms for Cheney and his friends to wear on special occasions.

In a highly unusual move, the Bush Administration invoked the article of Planetary Conquest, which was passed by congress, buried deep in the pages of the Patriot Act.

“This article gives us the right to name and exploit the resources of any planet, discovered or otherwise, in this galaxy or any other, for ever and ever amen,” said Bush during a recent question and answer session.

“And that’s not all,” he continued, “Dennis Tito has expressed some interest in becoming the first human to enjoy a barbecue on another world, so we are proposing a Texas-style, ketchup barbecue be built on Little Arbusto.”

When asked whether he felt a Texas-style barbecue on a distant, icy planet some nine billion miles away from Earth would be a proper allocation of taxpayer monies, Bush responded by telling reporters not to dismiss the initiative too quickly, promising that “it gets even better.”

“The restaurant will be called ‘G. Dubbaya’s Baby Back Shack and Feed Hole.’ It will feature many Texas-style favorites, such as beans, cornbread, pigs and other creatures. Also, there will be pager-style coasters which will blink gaily, alerting visitors when a table is ready.”

When asked why blinking coasters would be necessary when Dennis Tito would be the only patron of the vacuum-sealed eatery, Bush hesitated, and then responded by clutching his sides and feigning an ovarian cancer attack. When CNN’s Dana Bash angrily informed the president that he doesn’t have ovaries, he arose and asked, “What ever happened with that?” before producing a GameBoy Color from his trousers and limping toward the Oval Office, cursing the screen and something called “Koopa-Troopers.”

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