Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend

August 10 - 24, 2005
Issue #81

  ..Buffalo's Best Fiend
The BEAST 25 Most Loathsome Buffalonians
Queen City Loathing

Legislative Juice
Palmiero Charged for War Crimes
Matt Taibbi

Here Comes the Sun
But it's Not All Right
Alexander Zaitchik
A Mighty Wind
Green Power Threatens Corporations
Kit Smith

Tough All Over
Upstate Sucks; No One Cares

Shawn Ewald


Ohio Player
An Interview with Rep. Sherrod Brown
Matt Taibbi


Bush Names New Planet "Little Arbusto"
N Sorrentl


God Hates Boy Scouts
Scott Wagner

The BEAST Blog
Buffalo in Briefs
The Sports Blotter
The Week in Sports Crime
Page 3
Separated at Birth?
Kino Korner: Movies
[sic] - Letters
 Cover Page

Idiot Box
Perry Bible Fellowship
Bob the Angry Flower

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Last Issue: (80)

Beast-O-Scopes by Andrew Gullerstein

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo, you really disappoint me. You watched that idiotic commercial for the Marines where the guy walks along a precarious stone bridge and fights a giant lava monster with a sword and actually thought to yourself, “maybe I should join the Corps.” What the hell is wrong with you? Do you actually thing being a Marine has anything to do with fighting lava monsters? Are you that stupid that you would allow some marketing scumbag for the military seduce you with some childish Dungeons and Dragons fantasy moment? Jesus Leo, if you buy into that shit I have a bridge to sell you. I mean of all the bullshit riddled commercials for the Armed Forces that one has to be the crown jewel of the bunch. Really Leo, lava monsters…You are such a jackass.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Virgo, remember that commercial you saw the other day for Blue Hippo Funding? You know, if you have bad credit but a checking account, the fine people at Blue Hippo Funding will give you a Gateway computer with six months of free AOL for only $99 down and $35.99 a week for twelve months. No credit check required. Well before you pick up that phone, asshead, try and think it through. $35.99 a week for a year plus a $99 deposit come to just under $2000 and the Gateway computer they are offering is not even on par with the cheapest model offered by Gateway (which is $399 by the way) and the added “bonus” of free AOL is just an insult. So before you lock yourself into a contract to spend two grand on a shitty computer with shitty internet access try putting the bong down and thinking about it for a few minutes. This would be on par with the money you wasted on those useless Tony Robbins tapes.

Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)

Hey Libra, I was watching television the other night and saw that commercial for that new Herpes treatment and thought to myself, “Hey, Libra could probably use that.” It was a nice commercial with a girl on a swing and at the beach and I believe she was happy because her vagina was full of raging sores. I think we can all agree that her happiness is understood. Anyway the breakdown is simple; new medicine, no raging genital sores for at least 3 months and only some mild intestinal bleeding as a side effect. Sounds like something you might be interested in. There you go Libra, and no, you can’t use my bathroom.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Scorpio, you know that commercial for Sears that has Ryan Seacrest leading a bunch of men into the store and begins his sans charisma comedy of men on lawn tractors and barbeque grill jokes. I hate that fucking commercial. I hate it so much that I want to blast at the television with a shotgun almost as much as I would like to blast Ryan Seacrest with a shotgun. I will know that there is a God when on the next vomitous season of American Idol a giant spotlight falls and crushed Ryan Seacrest on live television. A moment of pure benevolent intervention so powerful that I would capture the image of him crushed (and hopefully on fire) under the spotlight and use it as my desktop pattern for my computer. It would serve as a permanent reminder of a loving higher power. That is the day I will start going to church and be thankful.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Hey Sagittarius, I saw a commercial the other day for some new drug that potentially helps people recover faster from Chemotherapy. The commercial was very well done and filled with hope of a better tomorrow for cancer patients. Then came the list of side effects; headaches, diarrhea, muscle aches, liver problems and mild to moderate bone pain. Yes, bone pain, mild to moderate. Yes, take this drug and you still feel like you have cancer but with bone pain added into the mix. Bone pain sucks worse than most other types of pain. You can’t rub it or scratch it or even put some lotion on it. Not to mention the seemingly loose definitions “mild to moderate.” But don’t worry Sagittarius, they have a drug that can lessen the pain of the other drug and it only causes massive anal bleeding.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Capricorn, I was thinking about you the other day when I saw a commercial for one of those poker websites. I know how much you like to gamble and now you don’t even have to leave the house to lose everything and ruin your family’s life. The convenience of the internet in incredible in its scope. The added benefit is when you owe more money than you can possibly pay no one shows up at your house to break your legs; instead they take everything you have totally legally. Wow, the future is awesome, Capricorn.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aquarius, are chicken fries really that appealing? I mean it just an even cheaper, lower food grade version of the nugget thing and probably have more fat and salt than a fat and salt sandwich. The commercials have a watered down Gwar type band who celebrate with chicken fries rather than booze and drugs and I suppose that is supposed to appeal to the heavy metal/punk/oddball social group. I just don’t get it, Aquarius; they are just chicken fishsticks. Maybe I am getting to old or maybe Burger King sucks. Either way I am getting tired.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Sure, Pisces, those commercials for Axe Body Spray or whatever the hell it is seem pretty great—is there anyone out there who doesn’t, on some level, want to nail an idealized version of their girlfriend’s mom? But consider the reality that’s your girlfriend’s mom is a flabby troll with a varicose vein network too complex to be rendered by Industrial Light & Magic. Add to that the number of horribly unattractive women you come into close proximity with on a daily basis, and then the number of gay men. Now Axe Body Spray isn’t looking like such a great investment, is it, Pisces? Unless you’re into that sort of thing.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Aries, you know that commercial for Starbucks where the woman takes a sip of her coffe treat and that Michael Buble guy starts singing to her and she is so happy? What about Michael Buble makes one happy? Oh boy, a really dorky looking guy with a Michelin Man head that kind of sounds like Frank Sinatra. Now my day is complete. I think it would be awesome if the zombie corpse of Frank Sinatra rose from the grave and hunted Michael Buble down just to consume his flesh. Buble would be screaming in horror and the zombie Sinatra would just be eating and clawing at him only to return to his eternal rest when finished. Man that would be cool.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You’re right about one thing Taurus, that new Coke commercial with the “buy the world a Coke” song is a real disappointment. I mean the original commercial with all the people holding hands around the world was kind of nice but this is just a bunch of fashion school cool neo hipsters sitting on a roof being pretentious. At least the original commercial had some level of effort to it. The new one just makes me want to drink a Pepsi. Ah, G Love, you used to be cool, as I recall, but there’s a distinct possibility that I used to be a dork.

Gemini (May 21 –June 20)

Gemini, fuck Domino’s and their 5-5-5 deal. Five shitty pizza’s for five dollars each! Where do I get in line? If you’re going to spend fifteen dollars on pizza then do it right and don’t order some factory produced flavorless shit. Have some dignity. While we are on the subject of Domino’s; Donald Trump has a lot of nerve doing commercials for poverty food. He has no shame and should be banned from being in any sort of advertising unless it involves him being dropped into a gorilla pen and tossed around like luggage. I don’t know what it would be a commercial for but it would be great.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Cancer, sometimes the “O” is about: O my God I just jerked off to a commercial!


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