Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

August 10 - 24, 2005
Issue #81

  ..Buffalo's Best Fiend
   
The BEAST 25 Most Loathsome Buffalonians
Queen City Loathing
 

Legislative Juice
Palmiero Charged for War Crimes
Matt Taibbi

 
Here Comes the Sun
But it's Not All Right
Alexander Zaitchik
 
A Mighty Wind
Green Power Threatens Corporations
Kit Smith
 

Tough All Over
Upstate Sucks; No One Cares

Shawn Ewald

 

Ohio Player
An Interview with Rep. Sherrod Brown
Matt Taibbi

 
FAUX-TURES

Bush Names New Planet "Little Arbusto"
N Sorrentl

 

God Hates Boy Scouts
Scott Wagner

The BEAST Blog
Buffalo in Briefs
The Sports Blotter
The Week in Sports Crime
Page 3
Separated at Birth?
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Korner: Movies
[sic] - Letters
 Cover Page

COMIX:
Idiot Box
Perry Bible Fellowship
Bob the Angry Flower

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Deaths, Postponements Prove God Hates Boy Scouts
By Scott Wagner

Normally, the annual Boy Scout Jamboree is a festival of fun, dedication to Scouting and ambiguously homosexual activities. This year, however, the Jamboree has been marred by the deaths of four people, hundreds of scouts suffering from heat-related maladies, and the postponement of President George W. Bush’s visit. It is a clear sign, say many, that the scouts do not sit well with the Good Lord.

"People assume that the Scouts are about fun and male bonding," said Reverend Allan P. Whipple, a leader of the Traditional Values Coalition (TVC). "But the Lord knows what they’re really doing behind closed doors: homosexuality and Satan."

The President’s speech was originally scheduled for this past Thursday, but was cancelled when thunder and lightning threatened to kill him. On Monday, four scout leaders were electrocuted while playing the traditional scout game of "stick the tent pole in the power lines".

"It’s obvious," said Whipple, "that God hates the Boy Scouts."

Indeed, many young males are lured to Scouting by its promises of outdoor fun, such as hiking, singing, swimming and holding hands together. However, says the TVC, the Boy Scouts of America is merely a dummy front for the World Homosexual, Satanic and Communist Organization (WHSCO), which advocates communism, world government, hatred of Jesus and the gay lifestyle.

The Boy Scouts have also generated controversy over their policy of not allowing openly gay men into the club. Many liberals believe that gays should be forced into the Boy Scouts, while many conservatives are "positive" the Homosexual Agenda is already controlling the organization. The issue is divisive.

Ann Culture, the wife of another leader of the TVC, stated: "While I am not allowed to be a member of the [TVC] because I have to be home to make dinner and raise the children, I would never allow my sons to be a member of that accursed club. If Jesus hates them, that’s good enough for me, as long as my husband says so."

Jesus, who is believed by many to be 1/3 of God, while simultaneously being God’s son and God himself, refused to comment. However, his father and 1/3 of Jesus himself, The Lord God Allah James Jehovah, stated in a press release that while he hated the gay lifestyle, he did not hate homosexuals themselves.

"But to the Boy Scouts," he added, "I hate all of you."

The heat and cancellation, compounded by the deaths of some leaders, has many Scouts "down in the dumps," but hopeful nonetheless. Said Eagle Scout Bruce E. Schwul: "It gets you down, of course. But when you’re surrounded by great guys, who are beautiful both inside and out, it makes everything so much easier."

He rubbed the stubbly chin of his friend and they hugged.

"There’s two things you’ll never convince me of," concluded Whipple, "That unborn sperm aren’t children, that Negroes and Muslims care about America, and that the Boy Scouts of America aren’t Satanic homosexual Communists, hated by Jesus and his Angelic Army."

His wife nodded firmly before getting back into her cage.

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