SIC - Letters
HAMMERTIME
Guys
-
Two
great articles! (Mercury Rising, In defense of Stupidity;
Beast #80)
Krauthammer
makes a lot of green "not getting it."
Just
what this country needs: a gim-crack, crypto-fascist in
a wheel chair.
Best
wishes,
JCB
Al:
I
just wanted to drop you a line and let you know how much
I enjoy your articles. Your latest on that
prick Krauthammer was phenomenal (and hilarious)!
Keep up the great work!
Rob
Peltier
Dear
Mr. Uthman,
Thanks
for your excellent article 'In defense of stupidity.'
It
made me laugh--a rare and valued thing these days.
Sincerely,
Teresa Lopes
Just
wanted to drop you a line and say I read your piece and
it was dead on. I've hated that prick for years.
Thanks
Tim
Bishop, Austin, TX
ps-read
it on smirkingchimp.com
Good
one Allan,
i'm
not certain, but i think the problem is certainty. like
many civilizations before us, we have been taken over by
certainty junkies. and I put a physiological explanation
that you might enjoy at http://sexonthewrongbrain.org
PS:
i hate krauthammer and i'm an optimistic person-- the problem
for me is that he got and followed instructions to label
12 year old samantha smith (the biggest PR threat to reagan,
and our most potent ever anti nuclear activist) as a "communist
dupe"- at a time when that label would get you dissapeard
by reagan's'freedom fighters'-----and 11 years old! and
when she was 13 she was wellstoned by those motherfuckers
Paul,
NM, USA
Hey
Paul—you certain about that?
METALHEAD
I
originally heard about your site through Matt Taibbi's book
"Spanking the Donkey". Good book. Tip O' the
pen to him for doing a fine job. But what compelled me
to correspond with you is your article and your cover about
Thimerosal.
You
see, my son like so many sons and daughters, have been zapped
by this stuff. And what a mess it is. The Govt. and phrMA
poisons our children and then we cannot even have our fair
day in court. Even though we have a mountain of science
behind us. Something tells me that even if we do go to
court, our settlement will be a 10% off coupon of your next
purchase of Nexium and a T-Shirt that reads, the CDC poisoned
my son and all I got was this stupid T-Shirt.
But
I digress.
I
really wanted to thank you for spreading the word. The
only way we parents will be able to help our children is
through public awareness and subsequent outrage.
I
found your site entertaining and look forward to visiting
it again.
As
a father of a child with Mercury poisoning, I thank you.
Respectfully,
Donald Bondank
Donald,
your letter is by far too sincere and heart-wrenching to
mock. We hope you will correct the problem as soon as possible.
On the other hand, have you seen those CDC baby-poisoning
T-shirts? Pure cotton!
AND
THE NOMINEES ARE…
I
nominate one most foul Buffalonian, that being Lieutenant
(now Captain) Greg Blosat of the Buffalo Police Department.
This
is the man who killed Mark Virginia back in 1997 by basically
stomping on and breaking his neck to cause death by asphyxiation,
and was eventually acquitted of all charges.
Acquitted
or not, subduing a suspect the way he did with Mr. Virginia
is truly loathsome.
How
this man can continue to even walk on let alone patrol the
streets of Buffalo is truly beyond me.
Best,
Geoffrey R. Snyder
Perhaps,
Geoffrey, but what has Blosat done to us lately?
WINDBAG
I
have some nominations.
My first one is, of coarse, Mary fucking Kunz. Oh wait,
Kunz Goldman. Whatever. Ass. If it's not complaining that
her food is made with natural ingredients instead of her
beloved over-produced shit-feed, She makes little tittery
"jokes" about subjects she doesn't understand,
something like "I woke up today. I had I headache.
Maybe I was on Chippewa, drinking coffee again, hahaha!".
How about a nice swift kick to the neck? Would you have
something witty to say about that, horse teeth?
Next, the fucking Goo Goo Dolls. The next person walking
down Elmwood talking about "oh ya, I was shopping for
lemons with them back in the day" is getting slapped
in the face with my dick. Now, I don't like the Goo Goo
Dolls music, but I'm sure their OK guys, but Jesus Christ,
it's just one more thing I need to hear people latch on
too about living in buffalo. "blah blah the snow fuck
fuck the wings bleh bleh the goo goo dolls". An old
homeless serial killer could give on ostrich a blowjob in
fucking Finland, and if he at any time lived in Buffalo,
Channel 4 News would be all over that douche-story like
a that crack whore outside the Continental on self-absorbed
goths. Just because the Goo Goo Dolls are from your town,
and city hall was on MTV for a day or two, it doesn't give
you the right to jack off in everybody's mouth about it,
fucktards.
What's next? Oh, I know. The fucking Why Guy, Kevin O'Neil.
This guy needs to pull the vibrating anal beads from his
ass before he goes on the air. This man is an empty, depressing
shell of a man. When he started out, he had a smile on his
face. He had fun being goofy. But now he is a walking cartoon
whore and he knows it. I watch that ass-cunt throw his life
away every morning, and I can see it on his face. No matter
what doggie-treat-baker he's interviewing, he looks like
he's got a Colt in his coat, and is contemplating taking
everybody down in the place with him. Not only that, I went
to one of these god damn places while he was in there, and
he was fucking charging admission. ADMISSION! Fuck you,
Kevin O'Neil you washed up media pony. Quit. Quit while
you still have a hope of fading into depressing obscurity,
when nobody will remember your lost dignity. Have fun interviewing
the fucking beer coaster company, or whatever, forcing you
laughs, and trying to hurry these brain-dead retards through
their phone info when the music comes on, reminding you
your purpose in life has ended. Then go home, like you do
every afternoon, watch "Bruce Almighty", and cry
yourself to sleep.
-Kevin
So,
Kevin, your hatred for the Why Guy stems from unrequited
love? You went to see him and he attempted to charge you,
alienating your affections? Why, guy? Why? By the way, we
know what you’re talking about with the Goo Goo Dolls, but
we, like, totally used to party with them back in the day.
No really, they like, totally recognize us, a lot of the
time.
ONTO
US
I
read your piece on why Tom Cruise is a dick--and he certainly
is one, so I found that mildly amusing. Then I scrolled
down your list of the fifty most loathsome people and was
sickened to find the president, his wife and much of his
staff on your list. The worst president we've ever
had?? That was Bill Clinton, who couldn't keep his
dick in his pants long enough to make any policy decisions
at all. I don't even have to ask--I bet you LOVED
him. The liberal media is hardly a myth, guy.
You are it, in spades.
Steve
Turner
Exactly,
Steve. We’re the liberal media. Not exactly wagging the
dog over here, are we? But we can really see your point
about how getting your dick sucked is a crime much more
terrible than fabricating evidence in order to fool your
country into invading another one, in the process causing
the deaths of many thousands and diminishing your country’s
reputation by, among other things, raping your prisoners.
That makes a hell of a lot of sense there, Steve. Oh yeah—if
you think Clinton was a liberal, you have no fucking clue
what a real liberal is. Just because you would kill your
own mother for a chance to clean Bush’s crack with your
tongue, it doesn’t follow that we have similar feelings
for Clinton—but it was nice how he could read, and speak
coherently.
POSTCARDS
FROM THE CURB
Hello
evil ones,
I wrote this down a few weeks ago. It just occurred
to me to send it to you, because it shows how effective
and great value your classified ads are. Like a nasty
disease, a BEAST ad keeps working 6 months after you thought
it was gone!
4AM Monday, July 10: I go to sleep, after a crazy
night of dancing in robot costume, with BEASTWORD maker
Z Mann Zilla, for a Merlin's show with Buffalo's finest
perv-rockers, Anal Pudding.
6AM:
Ring-ring
Me: Groooooannn
Ring-ring
Me: lunge out of bed, grab phone. "Uhhhhh. Hello"
"Hi I'm calling about your ad in the Beast?"
Me: "what"
"Your ad, you had a box of porn for $65"
Me: "umhhhhhhh..."
"It was a few months ago."
Me: "You're calling at -6 AM- about that? That got
sold in like, February"
"What kind of selection did you have?"
Me: "I don't know, it was just a box of someone else's
DVD's I found on a curb, I said it's gone."
"Do you know where I can get more?"
Me: "try a porn store"
"Do you know where that is?"
Me: "uhhh... I gotta uh... sleep" -click. (I regret
not being alert enough to SCREAM OBSCENITIES, or pretend
I had the porn, to get the crackhead's number and see how
they like calls at 6AM.)
I sprawl back in bed, twitch a lot, and barely sleep in
the heat wave. At 9AM: wrong number phone call.
10AM: I stumble to work, watching out for falling
objects and lightning bolts, just in case I was in trouble
with the spirit world for selling Cursed Curb Porn.
But you know I'll get an ad in the BEAST next time I do
it... I'll just screen calls more carefully.
Your
evil pal, Mr. P. Lake
Thanks
for the testimonial, Patrick—see folks, BEAST classifieds
really work, especially if you’re a sleaze merchant dealing
in used curbside porn! They also work pretty well for whores.
Buy your BEAST classified ad today!
MISSING
THE POINT
Your
paper is great! But since it only comes out every
2 weeks, and i'm smart enough to have retired several years
ago, i'm willing to offer you my services as "ram rod"
for the company. i'll get those lazy fuckers movin!
No more o' that, sleepin at the computer shit. Or
2 hour lunch breaks. No sir! Not when i'm "ram
rod"! God damnit! You'll be puttin out
a copy a week by next fall.
dog
Dear
Dog,
You stay the hell away from us, you merciless pig, and keep
your “ram rod” zipped up. Any further attempts to contact
us or our publisher will be regarded as hostile efforts
to erode our rights as lazy satirists. If we wanted to spend
our days getting yelled at by some old bastard for meager
pay and no sleep, we would have stayed at our old service/retail/office/menial
labor jobs.
THE
HUNT FOR OSAMA BIN UTHMAN
I
thought you idiots might appreciate this. – David Willbrooke
Note:
forwarded message attached.
Dear
David,
I am a Buffalonian and I have been reading the Beast
for about a year now, if only to keep an eye on the enemy,
so to speak. Ultra-liberals like them have little concept
of how the world actually works and it's nice to see some
one stand up to them. Nice job pinning the editor to Saddam
Hussien, he had no answer for that one! Keep digging, maybe
my fair city can finally be rid of this\ obscene excuse
for a news paper.
Sincerely, Shirley Stevens
ps-Did you contact the FBI yet?
Actually,
Shirley, This may shock you, but the FBI may already know
about us. Regardless, uncle Saddam is innocent until proven
guilty! Hey everybody, let’s e-mail Shirley at Shirley.stevens@hotmail.com
and thank her for showing us how the world really works!
ON
THE OTHER HAND…
In
the interest of being fair and balanced here is another.
–David Willbrooke
Note:
forwarded message attached.
Open your eyes, retard. Last time I checked, we were spreading
terror and calling it freedom. Killing innocent Iraqis in
their homes and on the streets, and stealing their oil in
the process is not the way to teach and "spread"
democracy. Why do you autocraticly go along with everything
that the Bush team says on their propaganda cable media
news outlets. Can you not think for yourself?? Or are you
just a brainwashed-up military hack who smiles when he sees
foreign brown poor people being killed or disfigured, or
any brown people for that matter. People like you open their
mouths wide to eat the rancid bullshit that they feed you
on a daily basis. U.S. Forces are shooting journalists in
Iraq to prevent the truth from being made public, since
we've taken kindly to committing war crimes. Also, why do
you give a free pass to the leaders of your party, the current
" leaders (murderers)" of this country. Why are
they not accountible??? Why don't you question their actions???
You walk blindly off the cliff and it's sad, you lemming.
Another thing.... what purpose do you think it serves the
independent media to report the atrocities in Iraq besides
getting the truth out in a country dominated and controlled
by a box in their living room. Put down the remote and pick
up a book. "Yeah,fuckwad,we hate freedom.You know its
not the dirty tricks,corruption,selling out the people or
outright lying that bothers me,its all that damn freedom."
--- You suck, Bush sucks --- Paul Migliore
THE
WORM TURNS (OUR STOMACHS)
Dave
Willbrooke's sickening response to my email – Paul Migliore
Dear
Paul,
I do think for myself, myself just happens to have more
money than you can imagine. I'm not stupid, I'm rich. I'm
actually in MENSA. The point I'm trying to make is that
I know full well the administration is full of lies, lies
that line my pockets. Innocent people are killed everyday,
everywhere with no good reason in the eye's of those who
don't profit by it. I'm not so utterly indoctrinated as
you would like to believe, nor are many who use the administration's
rhetoric. We know we aren't spreading freedom, we just don't
care because it is good for business.
Many
in my shoes want to keep that going, by any means necessary.
Publications like your beloved beast are a danger to the
bottom line, so using the GOP model for character assassination,
I found some interesting connection, how ever tenuous, between
the beast's Arab editor and Saddam Hussein. Following said
model, I will repeat this fact as many times as possible,
in as many outlets as possible until people (read: evangelical
crusaders)take up arms against the beast through protest
and boycott. the beast's days are numbered.
David Willbrooke
OK,
“David,” now we’re really not buying it...who is this anyway?
To clarify, Uthman is not an Arab; he’s half Kurdish and
half English—equal parts oppressor and oppressee, which
may go a long way to explaining his somewhat conflicted
nature. After all, what kind of editor keeps printing letters
like this? And another thing: exactly how many “evangelical
crusaders” do you think were fans of ours before you decided
to organize a boycott? MENSA must be hurting for members
these days.
