Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

August 10 - 24, 2005
Issue #81

  ..Buffalo's Best Fiend
   
The BEAST 25 Most Loathsome Buffalonians
Queen City Loathing
 

Legislative Juice
Palmiero Charged for War Crimes
Matt Taibbi

 
Here Comes the Sun
But it's Not All Right
Alexander Zaitchik
 
A Mighty Wind
Green Power Threatens Corporations
Kit Smith
 

Tough All Over
Upstate Sucks; No One Cares

Shawn Ewald

 

Ohio Player
An Interview with Rep. Sherrod Brown
Matt Taibbi

 
FAUX-TURES

Bush Names New Planet "Little Arbusto"
N Sorrentl

 

God Hates Boy Scouts
Scott Wagner

The BEAST Blog
Buffalo in Briefs
The Sports Blotter
The Week in Sports Crime
Page 3
Separated at Birth?
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Korner: Movies
[sic] - Letters
 Cover Page

COMIX:
Idiot Box
Perry Bible Fellowship
Bob the Angry Flower

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ISSUE #81PDF FILE
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MERCHANDISE

Last Issue: (80)


SIC - Letters

HAMMERTIME

Guys -
Two great articles! (Mercury Rising, In defense of Stupidity; Beast #80)

Krauthammer makes a lot of green "not getting it."

Just what this country needs: a gim-crack, crypto-fascist in a wheel chair.

Best wishes,
JCB


Al:

I just wanted to drop you a line and let you know how much I enjoy your articles.  Your latest on that prick Krauthammer was phenomenal (and hilarious)!  Keep up the great work!

Rob Peltier


Dear Mr. Uthman,

Thanks for your excellent article 'In defense of stupidity.'

It made me laugh--a rare and valued thing these days.

Sincerely, Teresa Lopes


Just wanted to drop you a line and say I read your piece and it was dead on.  I've hated that prick for years.

Thanks
Tim Bishop, Austin, TX
ps-read it on smirkingchimp.com


Good one Allan,

i'm not certain, but i think the problem is certainty. like many civilizations before us, we have been taken over by certainty junkies. and I put a physiological explanation that you might enjoy at http://sexonthewrongbrain.org

PS: i hate krauthammer and i'm an optimistic person-- the problem for me is that he got and followed instructions to label 12 year old samantha smith (the biggest PR threat to reagan, and our most potent ever anti nuclear activist) as a "communist dupe"- at a time when that label would get you dissapeard by reagan's'freedom fighters'-----and 11 years old! and when she was 13 she was wellstoned by those motherfuckers

Paul, NM, USA

Hey Paul—you certain about that?


METALHEAD

I originally heard about your site through Matt Taibbi's book "Spanking the Donkey".  Good book.  Tip O' the pen to him for doing a fine job.  But what compelled me to correspond with you is your article and your cover about Thimerosal. 

You see, my son like so many sons and daughters, have been zapped by this stuff.  And what a mess it is.  The Govt. and phrMA poisons our children and then we cannot even have our fair day in court.  Even though we have a mountain of science behind us.  Something tells me that even if we do go to court, our settlement will be a 10% off coupon of your next purchase of Nexium and a T-Shirt that reads, the CDC poisoned my son and all I got was this stupid T-Shirt.

But I digress.

I really wanted to thank you for spreading the word.  The only way we parents will be able to help our children is through public awareness and subsequent outrage.

I found your site entertaining and look forward to visiting it again.

As a father of a child with Mercury poisoning, I thank you.
Respectfully, Donald Bondank

Donald, your letter is by far too sincere and heart-wrenching to mock. We hope you will correct the problem as soon as possible. On the other hand, have you seen those CDC baby-poisoning T-shirts? Pure cotton!


AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

I nominate one most foul Buffalonian, that being Lieutenant (now Captain) Greg Blosat of the Buffalo Police Department.

This is the man who killed Mark Virginia back in 1997 by basically stomping on and breaking his neck to cause death by asphyxiation, and was eventually acquitted of all charges.

Acquitted or not, subduing a suspect the way he did with Mr. Virginia is truly loathsome.

How this man can continue to even walk on let alone patrol the streets of Buffalo is truly beyond me.

Best, Geoffrey R. Snyder

Perhaps, Geoffrey, but what has Blosat done to us lately?


WINDBAG

I have some nominations.
My first one is, of coarse, Mary fucking Kunz. Oh wait, Kunz Goldman. Whatever. Ass. If it's not complaining that her food is made with natural ingredients instead of her beloved over-produced shit-feed, She makes little tittery "jokes" about subjects she doesn't understand, something like "I woke up today. I had I headache. Maybe I was on Chippewa, drinking coffee again, hahaha!". How about a nice swift kick to the neck? Would you have something witty to say about that, horse teeth?

Next, the fucking Goo Goo Dolls. The next person walking down Elmwood talking about "oh ya, I was shopping for lemons with them back in the day" is getting slapped in the face with my dick. Now, I don't like the Goo Goo Dolls music, but I'm sure their OK guys, but Jesus Christ, it's just one more thing I need to hear people latch on too about living in buffalo. "blah blah the snow fuck fuck the wings bleh bleh the goo goo dolls". An old homeless serial killer could give on ostrich a blowjob in fucking Finland, and if he at any time lived in Buffalo, Channel 4 News would be all over that douche-story like a that crack whore outside the Continental on self-absorbed goths. Just because the Goo Goo Dolls are from your town, and city hall was on MTV for a day or two, it doesn't give you the right to jack off in everybody's mouth about it, fucktards.

What's next? Oh, I know. The fucking Why Guy, Kevin O'Neil. This guy needs to pull the vibrating anal beads from his ass before he goes on the air. This man is an empty, depressing shell of a man. When he started out, he had a smile on his face. He had fun being goofy. But now he is a walking cartoon whore and he knows it. I watch that ass-cunt throw his life away every morning, and I can see it on his face. No matter what doggie-treat-baker he's interviewing, he looks like he's got a Colt in his coat, and is contemplating taking everybody down in the place with him. Not only that, I went to one of these god damn places while he was in there, and he was fucking charging admission. ADMISSION! Fuck you, Kevin O'Neil you washed up media pony. Quit. Quit while you still have a hope of fading into depressing obscurity, when nobody will remember your lost dignity. Have fun interviewing the fucking beer coaster company, or whatever, forcing you laughs, and trying to hurry these brain-dead retards through their phone info when the music comes on, reminding you your purpose in life has ended. Then go home, like you do every afternoon, watch "Bruce Almighty", and cry yourself to sleep.
-Kevin

So, Kevin, your hatred for the Why Guy stems from unrequited love? You went to see him and he attempted to charge you, alienating your affections? Why, guy? Why? By the way, we know what you’re talking about with the Goo Goo Dolls, but we, like, totally used to party with them back in the day. No really, they like, totally recognize us, a lot of the time.


ONTO US

I read your piece on why Tom Cruise is a dick--and he certainly is one, so I found that mildly amusing.  Then I scrolled down your list of the fifty most loathsome people and was sickened to find the president, his wife and much of his staff on your list.  The worst president we've ever had??  That was Bill Clinton, who couldn't keep his dick in his pants long enough to make any policy decisions at all.  I don't even have to ask--I bet you LOVED him.  The liberal media is hardly a myth, guy.  You are it, in spades. 

Steve Turner

Exactly, Steve. We’re the liberal media. Not exactly wagging the dog over here, are we? But we can really see your point about how getting your dick sucked is a crime much more terrible than fabricating evidence in order to fool your country into invading another one, in the process causing the deaths of many thousands and diminishing your country’s reputation by, among other things, raping your prisoners. That makes a hell of a lot of sense there, Steve. Oh yeah—if you think Clinton was a liberal, you have no fucking clue what a real liberal is. Just because you would kill your own mother for a chance to clean Bush’s crack with your tongue, it doesn’t follow that we have similar feelings for Clinton—but it was nice how he could read, and speak coherently.


POSTCARDS FROM THE CURB

Hello evil ones,
I wrote this down a few weeks ago.  It just occurred to me to send it to you, because it shows how effective and great value your classified ads are.  Like a nasty disease, a BEAST ad keeps working 6 months after you thought it was gone!

4AM Monday, July 10:  I go to sleep, after a crazy night of dancing in robot costume, with BEASTWORD maker Z Mann Zilla, for a Merlin's show with Buffalo's finest perv-rockers, Anal Pudding.

6AM:
Ring-ring
Me:  Groooooannn
Ring-ring
Me:  lunge out of bed, grab phone. "Uhhhhh. Hello"
"Hi I'm calling about your ad in the Beast?"
Me: "what"
"Your ad, you had a box of porn for $65"
Me: "umhhhhhhh..."
"It was a few months ago."
Me: "You're calling at -6 AM- about that? That got sold in like, February"
"What kind of selection did you have?"
Me: "I don't know, it was just a box of someone else's DVD's I found on a curb, I said it's gone."
"Do you know where I can get more?"
Me: "try a porn store"
"Do you know where that is?"
Me: "uhhh... I gotta uh... sleep" -click. (I regret not being alert enough to SCREAM OBSCENITIES, or pretend I had the porn, to get the crackhead's number and see how they like calls at 6AM.)

I sprawl back in bed, twitch a lot, and barely sleep in the heat wave.  At 9AM:  wrong number phone call.  10AM:  I stumble to work, watching out for falling objects and lightning bolts, just in case I was in trouble with the spirit world for selling Cursed Curb Porn.  But you know I'll get an ad in the BEAST next time I do it... I'll just screen calls more carefully.
Your evil pal, Mr. P. Lake

Thanks for the testimonial, Patrick—see folks, BEAST classifieds really work, especially if you’re a sleaze merchant dealing in used curbside porn! They also work pretty well for whores. Buy your BEAST classified ad today!


MISSING THE POINT

Your paper is great!  But since it only comes out every 2 weeks, and i'm smart enough to have retired several years ago, i'm willing to offer you my services as "ram rod" for the company.  i'll get those lazy fuckers movin!  No more o' that, sleepin at the computer shit.  Or 2 hour lunch breaks.  No sir!  Not when i'm "ram rod"!  God damnit!  You'll be puttin out a copy a week by next fall. 

              dog

Dear Dog,
You stay the hell away from us, you merciless pig, and keep your “ram rod” zipped up. Any further attempts to contact us or our publisher will be regarded as hostile efforts to erode our rights as lazy satirists. If we wanted to spend our days getting yelled at by some old bastard for meager pay and no sleep, we would have stayed at our old service/retail/office/menial labor jobs.


THE HUNT FOR OSAMA BIN UTHMAN

I thought you idiots might appreciate this. – David Willbrooke

Note: forwarded message attached.

Dear David,
 I am a Buffalonian and I have been reading the Beast for about a year now, if only to keep an eye on the enemy, so to speak. Ultra-liberals like them have little concept of how the world actually works and it's nice to see some one stand up to them. Nice job pinning the editor to Saddam Hussien, he had no answer for that one! Keep digging, maybe my fair city can finally be rid of this\ obscene excuse for a news paper.
Sincerely, Shirley Stevens
ps-Did you contact the FBI yet?

Actually, Shirley, This may shock you, but the FBI may already know about us. Regardless, uncle Saddam is innocent until proven guilty! Hey everybody, let’s e-mail Shirley at Shirley.stevens@hotmail.com and thank her for showing us how the world really works!


ON THE OTHER HAND…

In the interest of being fair and balanced here is another. –David Willbrooke

Note: forwarded message attached.

  Open your eyes, retard. Last time I checked, we were spreading terror and calling it freedom. Killing innocent Iraqis in their homes and on the streets, and stealing their oil in the process is not the way to teach and "spread" democracy. Why do you autocraticly go along with everything that the Bush team says on their propaganda cable media news outlets. Can you not think for yourself??  Or are you just a brainwashed-up military hack who smiles when he sees foreign brown poor people being killed or disfigured, or any brown people for that matter. People like you open their mouths wide to eat the rancid bullshit that they feed you on a daily basis. U.S. Forces are shooting journalists in Iraq to prevent the truth from being made public, since we've taken kindly to committing war crimes. Also, why do you give a free pass to the leaders of your party, the current " leaders (murderers)" of this country. Why are they not accountible??? Why don't you question their actions???  You walk blindly off the cliff and it's sad, you lemming. Another thing.... what purpose do you think it serves the independent media to report the atrocities in Iraq besides getting the truth out in a country dominated and controlled by a box in their living room. Put down the remote and pick up a book. "Yeah,fuckwad,we hate freedom.You know its not the dirty tricks,corruption,selling out the people or outright lying that bothers me,its all that damn freedom." --- You suck, Bush sucks --- Paul Migliore


THE WORM TURNS (OUR STOMACHS)

Dave Willbrooke's sickening response to my email – Paul Migliore

Dear Paul,
I do think for myself, myself just happens to have more money than you can imagine. I'm not stupid, I'm rich. I'm actually in MENSA. The point I'm trying to make is that I know full well the administration is full of lies, lies that line my pockets. Innocent people are killed everyday, everywhere with no good reason in the eye's of those who don't profit by it. I'm not so utterly indoctrinated as you would like to believe, nor are many who use the administration's rhetoric. We know we aren't spreading freedom, we just don't care because it is good for business.

Many in my shoes want to keep that going, by any means necessary. Publications like your beloved beast are a danger to the bottom line, so using the GOP model for character assassination, I found some interesting connection, how ever tenuous, between the beast's Arab editor and Saddam Hussein. Following said model, I will repeat this fact as many times as possible, in as many outlets as possible until people (read: evangelical crusaders)take up arms against the beast through protest and boycott. the beast's days are numbered.
David Willbrooke

OK, “David,” now we’re really not buying it...who is this anyway? To clarify, Uthman is not an Arab; he’s half Kurdish and half English—equal parts oppressor and oppressee, which may go a long way to explaining his somewhat conflicted nature. After all, what kind of editor keeps printing letters like this? And another thing: exactly how many “evangelical crusaders” do you think were fans of ours before you decided to organize a boycott? MENSA must be hurting for members these days.

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