Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

August 24 - September 7, 2005
Issue #82

  ..Buffalo's Best Fiend
   
Evolution Rock
Jesus or Darwin? An ultimatum
Allan Uthman

Keepin' it Real
Cindy Sheehan, representin'
Shawn Ewald

It's Gettin' Hot in Here
Global Warming: Warming the Globe?
Kit Smith
Large & in Charge
Bob Wilmers, Buffalo's control freak
Donnie Dobovich
People Like You
You people just don't get it

Michael Manville

No Strategy, Just Exit
Fractured left threatens itself

Stan Goff

The Real Greatest Americans
Screw the Discovery Channel
Erich Schulte

The BEAST BLOG
Buffalo in Briefs
The Sports Blotter
The Week in Sports Crime
Page 3
Celebrity Math
Separated at Birth?
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Korner: Movies
[sic] - Letters
 Cover Page

COMIX:
Idiot Box
Perry Bible Fellowship
Bob the Angry Flower

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The Sports Blotter by Matt Taibbi

BONG HITS

   

There's almost no story here, except that there's enough of a story to justify the above headline. Last week, Cincinnati Reds pitcher Jung Keun Bong became the first professional Korean baseball player to be arrested in the U.S. Bong was nabbed for allegedly assaulting his wife while Florida for a rehab start with the Reds' single-A Sarasota club. According to various reports, police at a hotel in Sarasota Cay had to intervene when the sounds of screaming were heard from Bong's hotel room in the middle of the night. After appearing to investigate, police discovered a "red choke mark" on the neck of Bong's wife. The pitcher declined to explain the mark and the proverbial misdemeanor domestic battery charge ensued. No other paper in the country has come through with the obvious headline, revealing the poverty of American sportswriting.


FAMILY MAN

     

About once a year a famous athlete throws his name in the hat as a serious contestant for the title of Supreme Jock Deadbeat Dad. The headlines for the jock-deadbeat stories usually involve a combination of two or more of the following elements:

1) A routine traffic stop in the rural Midwest, usually Oklahoma or north Texas; startled patrolman sees urgent outstanding warrant from Detroit probate court, makes contentious highway arrest of shirtless wide receiver/retired running back.

2) A delinquency sum of breathtaking, seemingly impossible dimensions: "Maxwell owes over $950,000 in child support dating back to his third season with the Rockets..."

3) An extradition dispute between two states, one containing the offended probate court, the other containing the police department that has just arrested the child support fugitive on another quirky but completely unrelated criminal matter.

4) A tearful courtroom scene where the ex-athlete proclaims his regrets; he hugs his 29 year-old son/daughter, enters his/her name in his Blackberry.

One of the curious features of these stories is that jocks who owe large amounts of child support are almost always wanted for other crimes, usually strange ones. A typical example is former NFL wideout Andre "Bad Moon" Rison, one of the all-time child support deadbeat all-stars, who also pioneered the crime of buying large amounts of jewelry on consignment and failing later to pay the tab. Rison's deadbeat Dad/jewel thief crime-profile combo was later emulated by other wide receivers, including Terry Glenn of the Dallas Cowboys.

Other famous deadbeats include former NBA standout shooting guard Vernon Maxwell (actual debt to Myra Jenkins, mother of his 16 year-old son: $160,000), who also pioneered the crime of storming into the stands and punching fans in the face. Joining Mad Max in the deadbeat pantheon are Rison, former Dan Marino target Mark Ingram (also arrested for grand theft auto and possession of counterfeit currency), ex-Cincinnati Reds outfielder Kal Daniels, Daryl Strawberry, Monte Reagor, Roscoe Tanner, James Brooks, and another former Cincinnati Bengal, James Francis. The latter, who was arrested in a sweep of Ohio deadbeats this year, appears to be the all-time record holder for child-support debt, with courts claiming Francis owes as much as $460,000.

That said, there is a newcomer on that scene. A federal judge last week sentenced former Seattle Seahawk running back Chris Warren to five years' probation for failure to pay some $128,000 in child support. According to court documents, Warren has not made a court-ordered $5,000 monthly payment for almost two years.

Still Seattle's all-time leading rusher, Warren reportedly earned some $9.7 million in his seven-year career, but is today completely broke. His attorney, John Wolfe, told the court that while a Seahwawk, Warren "lived the life of a high-roller and spent money frivolously." This is no surprise; what is a surprise is that Warren in his court appearance listed his employer as "UPS," although he declined to specify what his duties at Brown are. Warren told the court "I do love my kids very much"; he has until next Feburary to get current, or else he will be imprisoned.


HERE'S TO YOU MR. ROBINSON

   

In another Seahawk note, the sad tale of recently-released wideout Koren Robinson grew a little sadder in the last few weeks, as reports surfaced that Robinson showed up drunk on the day he was to surrender and serve a one-day sentence for driving under the influence.

Robinson's condition upon surrender to Kirkland County, Washington authorities so enraged judge Albert Raines that the latter apparently made extremely harsh comments to Robinson in court, so extreme that Raines last week had to recuse himself from the case. Robinson, a former number 9 overall pick, has yet to find a job since being cut earlier this year.


WHAT'S UP DOC

   

In an even sadder story, the horrible criminal plight of the Gooden family continues to make its way into the news, as pitching legend Doc Gooden's son was once again arrested in Tampa.

Readers may recall that Doc's son, 19 year-old Dwight Eugene Gooden, Jr., was busted earlier this spring for allegedly hitting his girlfriend in an incident that earned him, too, the proverbial misdemeanor domestic battery charge.

Now Doc Jr. has been busted for possession of marijuana and bullets, both of which were found in his car last week in the course of the dreaded "routine traffic stop." He will be charged with violating the terms of his parole following a conviction in a Sep. 2004 bust in a drug sting. He'll likely do time this time around. Doc Sr. has no comment as yet...


LAP DANCING

     

When you think about it, a college dormitory is a really great place to commit burglary. Hundreds of living spaces crammed with the entire personal worth of a bunch of irresponsible, hormone-crazed kids, many of them rich, and many of them often also too drunk to make sure their rooms are locked. What's to stop an enterprising backup point guard from ducking into your room while you're playing beer pong and boosting everything you own, your Play Station, your evidence-drenched futon, your serial-killer trading card collection?

Nothing, that's what. At least that's what Marcus Williams and A.J. Price of the University of Connecticut apparently figured a few weeks back, when they allegedly lifted four laptop computers worth a total of $11,000 from university dormitories. The thefts occurred between June 9 and June 14. Williams was charged with four counts of felony larceny; Price three, plus a misdemeanor charge of lying to police. Both face up to five years in jail.

The pair were caught when Williams allegedly tried to sell the computers at several locations in Manchester, Connecticut. Is there anything more annoying than a thief who steals something valuable to you but worthless to him without a buyer; who steals before he has a buyer? Ask Jim Calhoun, UConn's ghostly-pallored Hall of Fame head coach, who now must enter next season with no point guard at all to depend upon.

Calhoun has already suspended the pair indefinitely. "They are barred indefinitely from all team activities, and their academic and personal activities will be closely monitored on a daily basis by the members of our basketball staff," he said. (Note to self: find out whose job it is in a major sports program to "monitor the personal activities" of athletes under indictment).

UConn has had a rough couple of years. Another Huskie guard, Antonio Kellogg, was arrested in April for assaulting a police officer. Around the same time, three UConn defensive backs were charged with firing a pellet gun into a car window.

The UConn point guard position, incidentally, has a somewhat storied criminal history. Rotund championship point guard Khalid El-Muhammad became one of the nation's most famous potsmokers after a bust some years ago when he was caught buying weed in a parking lot; many people today forget that the uncharged passenger in Khalid's car that night was none other than Rip Hamilton, the much-revered quintessential professional who today anchors the Detroit Pistons backcourt.

The state, not the school, was home to another major point guard crime in the early nineties; former all-state high school guard phenom Dexter Bennett was busted for robbing $400 at gunpoint, and had to forego a college career to serve a four-year prison sentence.

Meanwhile, the UConn fiasco marks the second time this year that a Division 1 program has been hit with a laptop-theft scandal. Blotter readers may recall that on January 19, six members of the University of South Carolina football team were arrested for stealing some $18,000 worth of school equipment, including several laptops. That case was notable for having a defendants list containing some of the weirder first names ever found together in a criminal complaint Dondrial, Syvelle, Woodly, and Rodriques.

In any case, Connecticut officials say they expect to make one more arrest in their case. Newspapers, incidentally, are reporting that the computers were stolen from members of the women's basketball team.


HIM AGAIN

     

Believe it or not, Barret Robbins is out there among us, committing crimes again.

Last most of us heard, Robbins, the former Oakland Raiders Pro Bowl center, was either dead or on his way to prison until the end of time, after an extraordinary incident in January. Robbins was apparently burglarizing an office building late at night in Miami when police arrived to investigate. They found the 300-pound sufferer of bipolar disorder crouching in the womens' bathroom; when confronted, Robbins nearly beat all three officers to death before he was finally shot in the chest. He recovered just in time to be bonded out for the absurdly low amount of $51,000 by a Florida judge who must have been in a very kind state of mind, as he allowed Robbins to relocate to Houston, Texas for psychiatric treatment.

This past weekend, however, Robbins showed up in San Antonio, where he was caught driving through town in a massive SUV and smoking such an enormous quantity of marijuana that it was sniffed out by a bicycle-mounted policeman driving on the opposite side of the street. What's more, police apparently spotted a weed pipe on the center console of Robbins's SUV.

Cops now have him in jail on an $800 bond and are trying to figure out what to do with him. "We have no idea why he was in San Antonio," said police spokesman Joe Rios. Something tells us Robbins is going to end up being shot with a cannon in the streets of Honolulu like an escaped elephant before this thing is over. We'll keep you informed.

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