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THE
REAL GREATEST AMERICANS
The
Discovery Channel Is Apparently Part Of The Liberal Media
by Erich Schulte
Like
many, I was disappointed with the results of The Discover
Channel's "Greatest
Americans" program. The ridiculous list of supposedly
"Greatest Americans" hardly reflects the true character and
virtue of our great republic in the 21st Century. Here's the
real list:
#10:
Pat Boone
One
thing I will say in favor of the Discovery Channel's list
is that it blessedly leaves out the men responsible for what
some will tell you is "America's only native art form," jazz.
Did you know that most of the so-called "greats" of jazz weren't
even white? While I don't have a major quarrel with Elvis'
place on the list, why celebrate the man who only did half
of the job? It was Pat Boone who took the music of Rock and
Roll, then Rhythm and Blues, and stripped both completely
of dangerous, jungle rhythms and Negro hyper-sexuality while
leaving all those pleasing melodies in place, making music
truly fit for mass consumption.
#9:
Dan Quayle
I
was both thrilled and proud to see both Presidents Bush and
then the Almighty Reagan make the list, but what of this unsung
hero who was every bit as qualified, capable and noble? The
only thing that GW has, that Quayle didn't, is Karl "Batcave"
Rove. Without someone to protect him from the cruel, spelling
correcting, liberal media, Quayle was only alas a great American
unable to grace us with his full potential.
#8:
Yakov Smirnoff
I'll follow the example of the Discovery Channel list in including
immigrants and entertainers on my list. Smirnoff is the best
of both. After penning such classic lines as, "In America
you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, the party always
finds you," it's no wonder he was president Saint Reagan's
favorite comedian. Smirnoff serves as an example to other
immigrants, who too often seek to maintain their own, inferior
cultures, rather than wrapping themselves up in Old Glory.
After years of hard work, his heartfelt patriotism and pro-America
attitude have finally landed Yakovf at, what for my money,
is the top of the entertainment pyramid: Branson,
Missouri.
#7:
Ronald MacDonald
Ronald
is America's real ambassador to the world. Thanks to
that appetizing clown, when people across the globe think
of our culture, the first thing they think of is the wholesome
and delicious food to be found at the Golden Arches. Yet the
arches also remind us why America is best because while nearly
every country has Macdonald's, nobody can eat as much of it
as we can. Daily. Again, we can thank Ronald, who's primary
goal is to teach young Americans that chicken needn't be 100%
chicken in order to be delicious.
#6:
Wally George
Pleased
as I was to see Rush Limbaugh make the list, what about the
late father of conservative talk? No, I don't mean Morton
Downey Jr., but rather none other than Orange County's own
Uncle Wally! Why leave off this gifted prognosticator who
was able to foresee, with perfect clarity, the future of American
political discourse? Truly a man way ahead of his time,
Wally foreshadowed the level of honesty, class and intellect
we now enjoy from household names such as Limbaugh, Coulter,
Scarborough, Hannity and Savage.
#5:
Dale Earnhardt
Who
could drive a race-specific kind of car in circles with greater
speed and ferocity than Earnhardt? No one! Plus he was a Christian
Southerner who died and went to heaven to be with Jesus forever.
Sure, the Jew York times--under duress--put the news of his
horrid death on their front page, but was just one day
really enough? I think we both know the answer to that. And
he had that moustache which let us know even though he subscribed
to a belief system that claims to hate gays, he felt quite
the opposite. Too bad only Americans could recognize his greatness.
#4:
Mike Tyson
Despite
his racial handicap, Iron Mike proved decisively that celebrities
are better than the rest of us. Tyson showed that when you
are given more talent than anyone else in the history of your
chosen profession, feel free to piss it all away. Just be
sure to act like a psychotic maniac for a decade or so after
your fall from grace. We'll still love and embrace you with
all of hearts. Seriously, what other country could produce
a wife beating rapist cannibal road raging poet with a tattoo
on his eye and still pony up the $5 million to watch him get
beaten yet again, this time by an Irish Pillsbury Doughboy?
Those pacifists in Canada? Dream on.
#3:
John Ashcroft
Gone
but certainly not forgotten, no other country has the resolve
to produce a politician who could lose an election to a dead
man (stupid liberal media) yet still be picked for higher
office, if not a higher calling. He spent the first year of
his tenure picking on pornographers and pot smokers, two industries
that account for roughly ten percent of our nations real GDP.
More importantly, he covered up a statue of Justice, got his
feet anointed with Crisco and was rightly afraid of Cheshire
cats (which any good Christian knows are just vessels
for Satan). Once the Twin Towers fell, he found his real purpose;
subverting the Bill of Rights, revoking attorney/client privilege
and locking up any stinking brown S.O.B. who was from a dirty
Muslim country or had parents from a dirty Muslim country.
Hey, the proof is in the pudding; throughout his tenure, the
terrorists did not win. Plus, like Pat Boone, he could
sing, dammit!
#2:
Jesus H. Christ
Although,
technically, he wasn't born in America, I'm sure that's only
because it didn't exist at the time and I'm fairly certain
that his return will be staged in Branson. Or possibly Colorado
Springs. Certainly the Lord has come to favor us yanks, as
he always picks our side in war, even against England. Moreover,
he tells our president what to do. Do you think Jesus has
a personal relationship with Jacques Chirac? You can bet your
baguette he doesn't. Most importantly, Christ only allows
terrorists to murder us when we deserve it. Whether we need
a stern reminder to behave ourselves, like the AIDS virus,
or a miraculous appearance in a grilled cheese sandwich to
inspire us, Jesus is always there for us, his fellow Americans.
#1:
Hulk Hogan
Who else so personifies the true spirit of America? From beating
the evil commie-stooge Nikolai Volkoff during Reagan's Reign
to his harrowing escape from the Iron Sheik's Camel Clutch
that mirrors the real life dangers and challenges of President
Bush's war on terror, Hogan is our hero. Through it
all he maintained a glorious tan, speedos and a truly American
institution--the mullet. We're talking years after he went
bald. The Hulkster even did the unthinkable by body-slamming
the mighty Frenchman, Andre the Giant, just as our forefathers
cast off the yolk of French oppression. Eat your vitamins,
say your prayers and pummel those villainous foreigners.
"I am a Real American" indeed.
Erich
Schulte writes for RuthlessReviews.com.
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