Virgo
(Aug 23-Sept 22)
Virgo,
I was really trying to overlook all of your modern technocratic
elitism until I found you had “On-Star.” Is
your life that devoid of self-sufficiency that you need
a twenty-four hour, seven day a week tit to cling to? “I’m
lost On-Star, help me!” “I locked my keys in
the car On-Star, help me!” “I have a flat tire
On-Star, help me!” “I don’t know any good
restaurants in this area On-Star, help me!” Is your
life that arduous and peril filled that you require an ever-present
panic button within arms reach? Sooner or later this sickness
of yours is going to get the best of you, Virgo. Like when
the government uses the GPS technology in your “On-Star”
system to incinerate your vehicle with a satellite mounted
laser (oh those damn things are up there) and the last thing
you see is a melting face in the rearview mirror. Buy a
compass, Virgo; it’s time to let go of your blankie.
Libra
(Sept 23 –Oct 22)
Libra,
I am still having trouble believing what I witnessed the
other day. You actually sat in the break room at work and
engaged in a thirty-minute argument about Coke vs. Pepsi.
I know workaday conversations can get a bit thin, but that
was simply ridiculous. The point at which you and that idiot
were actually yelling at one another over which cola product
was better was the moment I expected a giant net to drop
from the ceiling and men in white to rush in and drag you
morons off to the farm. Unfortunately that didn’t
happen, and you went back to your desk angry. Normally I
would go off on what a total fucking fool you are, but instead
I am going to solve the great Coke vs. Pepsi debate right
here and now with the following parable: you go to the movie
theater and make you way to the concession stand. The server
asks you what you want and you say, “I would like
a large Pepsi please.” The server responds, “We
only have Coke,” and you respond without any hesitation,
“Whatever.” There you have it Libra; the truth
you seek is indifference.
Scorpio
(Oct 23-Nov 21)
Scorpio,
I know you’re a fan, but I think it’s time for
the Axl Rose posters to come down. At least diversify your
musical tastes a bit, because Guns n Roses can only take
you so far, and in all truth it is not that great a distance.
I understand that it was kind of the thing to be into in
middle school, but that was a long time ago and you should
have realized that Axl Rose kind of sucks by now. I am not
trying to be mean here, Scorpio, but at this point your
whole obsession seems a bit gay and more to the point pathetic.
The time has come to move on Scorpio; you need to go to
the music store and try something new, anything new, just
so long as it’s not Guns n Roses. Well not just anything,
if I see you with a Velvet Revolver album, I will punch
you in the face.
Sagittarius
(Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Hey
Sagittarius, the thing about mollusks is that in general
they make a very boring subject for conversation. I mean
sure, I’ve watched entire Discovery Channel shows
about clams and sea slugs, but I have never felt it was
worthwhile dinner date conversation, even though you love
talking about how stories of divers getting their foot trapped
in a giant clam are mostly nonsense because they don’t
close that fast. If you ever hope to get a second date,
Sagittarius, you need to branch out in the conversation
department. Do yourself and your date a favor next time
by not talking about shellfish unless you are ordering some
for dinner.
Capricorn
(Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Capricorn,
the whole paint huffing thing you have going on really needs
to come to an end. The last time we spoke I felt like I
was talking to a severely retarded man with Tourettte’s.
That, when added to the new gold-and-silver look you have
going on with your face, seems to indicate that you are
about to become one of those people who frequent the Howard
Stern Show. I don’t know how it came to this, but
if I ever hear you mention pot as a “gateway drug,”
I will empty an entire can of mace into your left eye. Cut
the shit you paint huffing bastard before you can’t
even hold a job in politics.
Aquarius
(Jan 20-Feb 18)
Aquarius,
what is it with you and your obsession with watching the
Golden Girls on Lifetime? Do you actually think the show
is that good, or does it have more to do with your odd sexual
attraction to Rue McClanahan? It was bad enough that some
evil network dared pass her off as some sort of Geritol-popping
sex symbol, but what kind of sickness drives you to buy
into it? I mean we are talking about an old woman here,
not hot older Christy Brinkley old, but Rue McClanahan old.
What the hell is wrong with you, Aquarius? You might as
well volunteer for Meals on Wheels and find yourself some
action. Then you will not only be imagining sex with an
old woman, and on those quiet nights, after a nice dinner
of pureed fish and beets you and your special lady can settle
down in front of the television and pop in a little video
to get you in the mood. The video, you ask? Why, none other
than “Rue McClanahan: The Cat Care Video Guide.”
Pisces
(Feb 19-March 20)
Listen
Pisces, tiger ball soup is not a natural aphrodisiac. It
will not make you a better sex partner. All it does is kill
a bunch of endangered tigers just for their balls, so you
can feel better about your balls. Leave the tigers and their
balls alone, Pisces.
Aries
(March 21-April 19)
Aries,
what I said to Pisces about the tiger ball soup also goes
for you and your damn shark fin soup. Leave those fucking
sharks alone. They need those fins a lot more than you need
to feel adequate. If I was a shark that maliciously and
methodically hunted down and murdered your family, I would
understand, but those poor bastards were just swimming thousands
of miles away from you and eating fish. That’s what
they do. So stop with the fin soup shit you idiot, your
penis will never be adequate because it’s the size
of a tic-tac. God hates you, Aries.
Taurus
(April 20-May 20)
Taurus,
what have I told you about waiting by the school bus stop
with that big bag of candy? More importantly, what have
the police told you about waiting by the school bus stop
with that big bag of candy? Maybe if you had a kid on the
bus it would be different, but you don’t, so stop
it. We all know what is really in that bag, don’t
we Taurus?
Gemini
(May 21 –June 20)
Come
on Gemini, I mean really, murder-suicide? I expected better
from you. At least make the police hunt you down so you
can be killed in a hail of police bullets. It’s called
‘suicide by cop,’ dumbass. Instead you decide
to just blow your brains out and take all potential fun
out of the news. You got the murder part right at least
but your follow through was not very inspiring and didn’t
even rate the lead story, gushing with the false sincerity
of the news anchors. I hope you’re happy.
Cancer
(June 21-July 22)
Cancer,
I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is
that you have testicular cancer. The good news is that your
HMO just saved a bunch of money by denying your insurance
claim for treatment.
Leo
(July 23-Aug. 22)
Leo,
it’s time for you to get your ass off the couch and
find a job. As much as your girlfriend loves you, there
will come a time when she will simply get tired of your
bullshit. Do you really think she enjoys taking the bus
every day and working at that thankless job for nine hours
so you can lay around in your underpants watching your Thundercats
DVD set? Do you think she really gives a shit about what
Mumra did that afternoon? At least Mumra had a job. Hell,
he was deservedly retired until the Thundercats showed up,
but still got his ass out of the sarcophagus every day to
do his thing. You on the other had are actually leaving
permanent sweat stains on the couch. Jesus Leo, at least
try to be a man before entering your third decade on this
world. Unlike Mumra, you don’t have the benefit of
being everliving.
