Beast Calling: This Issue -- The 700 Club

700 Club: Thank you for calling the 700 Club, my name is John. What can I pray for you today?

BEAST: How do I do this? I’ve never done it before.

700 Club: Oh, okay, you just call and I ask you how’s your relationship with the lord and you tell me. Then I ask you for your prayer request and I’ll pray for you.

BEAST: Oh, okay.

700 Club: And if you’re interested in joining the 700 Club then that would be better too, if you’re interested.

BEAST: Oh all right, let’s pray first.

700 Club: Okay, all-righty sir, how’s your relationship with the lord?

BEAST: Oh, we’re pretty close.

700 Club: Okay. How is it on a daily basis?

BEAST: Good, you know. He’s there when I’m brushing my teeth in the morning and everything.

700 Club: And what would you like me to pray for you about today?

BEAST: Uh, you know, the assassination of Hugo Chavez maybe.

(long pause)

BEAST: Hello?

700 Club: Uh, I’m here. So what’s the joke behind this sir?

BEAST: The joke?

700 Club: Yeah because that wouldn’t be nice for me to pray for somebody when the Ten Commandments tell me “thou shall not kill.”

BEAST: Well that’s what Pat…Pat…Pat…Pat told me and I was just listening to Pat.

700 Club: That wasn’t on the 700 club today, sir.

BEAST: No not today, that was last week and I just saw it today and I thought it was a really good idea that the lord should smite that communist terrorist, smite him good!

700 Club: Uh let’s think of something else you could pray for besides that.

BEAST: Oh all right. Okay—maybe he could get the flu?

700 Club: Where is the love you have, sir, for your fellow enemies according to the Bible?

BEAST: Uh – like “turn the other cheek,” right?

700 Club: Well, I didn’t say turn the cheek. Let’s pray, let’s pray for the individual. Okay?

BEAST: Pray for his well being?

700 Club: Let’s pray for the individual. Okay? If Chavez is sinning, let’s pray for Chavez’ soul. Okay?

BEAST: Oh, like after we kill him, so then we pray for the soul to be okay after he’s dead.

700 Club: Ok, I mean let’s just, you know, pray for our enemies. Let’s not wish murder on anybody. So can we do that?

BEAST: Yeah, so I’ll pray for some sort of sickness.

700 Club: No! We’re praying—we’re just going to pray for the situation. I’m not praying for no assassination, I’m sorry. I just refuse do it, sir.

BEAST: Won’t you get fired?

(pause)

700 Club: Uh, no.

BEAST: But that’s what Pat said.

700 Club: Sir, I’m not praying for the assassination of Chavez. We can pray to have love for our enemies, but I’m not praying to wish harm on him; there’s no love in that.

BEAST: What about wrath, smiting and a vengeful god?

700 Club: The wrath?

BEAST: Shouldn't they be punished?

700 Club: Should who be punished?

BEAST: Dictators—Hugo Chavez, anyone against national interests. Because the president talks to God, right?

700 Club: Okay, all right, let’s see what we can do with this prayer thing, okay? Let’s find something to pray on this and were going to take this to the lord in prayer, but not for any assassination.

BEAST: No?

700 Club: No, no, no, no!

BEAST: How about just a sliver or a stubbed toe, can you pray for that?

700 Club: I mean I wouldn’t even want anything to happen to David Duke and he’s a full course—he’s a racist, you know. So I don’t want nothing worse to happen to David Duke. You know he done some horrible stuff; I don’t want nothing for David Duke. I’m not going to pray for this right here, but we’re going to pray. Okay?

BEAST: How about we pray for people who say we should assassinate him.

700 Club: Uh…

BEAST: Let’s pray for Pat Robertson. Can we do that?

700 Club: Uh, let’s pray.

BEAST: Yeah, dear lord heaven something…

700 Club: No, no, no, no no, we not going to go on this together because you may say the wrong thing. So let’s—uh, go ahead and let me pray and if you don’t agree, fine.

BEAST: Okay.

700 Club: Father, in the name of the lord Jesus Christ we pray. I would like you to put your hands on this situation today lord, in the name of Jesus, lord. Lord, in the flesh we have a tendency to want to get back at our enemies, but the bible says vengeance is mine, said the lord, in the mighty name of the lord Jesus Christ we pray, and that goes for if America is wrong; it goes for if people down in South America is wrong, wherever, because the Bible says you reap what you sow, according to Galatians chapter 6 verse 7. These prayers and these blessings we ask are in Jesus name, amen.

BEAST: Amen for the assasination of Hugo Chavez!

700 Club: Sir, I rebuke that in Jesus name. Amen.

BEAST: Amen.

*click*

---

For an mp3 audio recording of this call, click here - or right-click and save to download. (First few seconds are cut off, and there's a glitch toward the end--sorry.)