Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

Sept 7-Sept 21, 2005
Issue #83

  ..Buffalo's Best Fiend
   
Brown Nose
Buffalo News Endorses Mediocrity
Allan Uthman

Occupational Hazard
Why They Hate Us
Alexander Zaitchik

Lie of the Storm
No one could've predicted this, or something
Kit Smith
Joltin' Bolton
UN Ambassador as bad as you thought
Jeff Dean
Beast Calling!
A Tele-prayer with the 700 Club
(includes audio)

Area Man Remembers 9-11 Twice Daily
Ian Murphy

Point/Counterpoint
A debate on withdrawal

The BEAST BLOG
Buffalo in Briefs
The Sports Blotter
The Week in Sports Crime
Matt Taibbi
Page 3
Bills Season Preview
Ronnie Roscoe
Separated at Birth?
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Korner: Movies
Voicemails
[sic] - Letters
 Cover Page

COMIX:
Idiot Box
Perry Bible Fellowship
Bob the Angry Flower

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ISSUE #82PDF FILE
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ARCHIVES
LINKS
SUBSCRIPTIONS

MERCHANDISE

Last Issue: (82)

Beast Calling: This Issue -- The 700 Club

700 Club: Thank you for calling the 700 Club, my name is John. What can I pray for you today?

BEAST: How do I do this? Iíve never done it before.

700 Club: Oh, okay, you just call and I ask you howís your relationship with the lord and you tell me. Then I ask you for your prayer request and Iíll pray for you.

BEAST: Oh, okay.

700 Club: And if youíre interested in joining the 700 Club then that would be better too, if youíre interested.

BEAST: Oh all right, letís pray first.

700 Club: Okay, all-righty sir, howís your relationship with the lord?

BEAST: Oh, weíre pretty close.

700 Club: Okay. How is it on a daily basis?

BEAST: Good, you know. Heís there when Iím brushing my teeth in the morning and everything.

700 Club: And what would you like me to pray for you about today?

BEAST: Uh, you know, the assassination of Hugo Chavez maybe.

(long pause)

BEAST: Hello?

700 Club: Uh, Iím here. So whatís the joke behind this sir?

BEAST: The joke?

700 Club: Yeah because that wouldnít be nice for me to pray for somebody when the Ten Commandments tell me ďthou shall not kill.Ē

BEAST: Well thatís what PatÖPatÖPatÖPat told me and I was just listening to Pat.

700 Club: That wasnít on the 700 club today, sir.

BEAST: No not today, that was last week and I just saw it today and I thought it was a really good idea that the lord should smite that communist terrorist, smite him good!

700 Club: Uh letís think of something else you could pray for besides that.

BEAST: Oh all right. Okayómaybe he could get the flu?

700 Club: Where is the love you have, sir, for your fellow enemies according to the Bible?

BEAST: Uh Ė like ďturn the other cheek,Ē right?

700 Club: Well, I didnít say turn the cheek. Letís pray, letís pray for the individual. Okay?

BEAST: Pray for his well being?

700 Club: Letís pray for the individual. Okay? If Chavez is sinning, letís pray for Chavezí soul. Okay?

BEAST: Oh, like after we kill him, so then we pray for the soul to be okay after heís dead.

700 Club: Ok, I mean letís just, you know, pray for our enemies. Letís not wish murder on anybody. So can we do that?

BEAST: Yeah, so Iíll pray for some sort of sickness.

700 Club: No! Weíre prayingóweíre just going to pray for the situation. Iím not praying for no assassination, Iím sorry. I just refuse do it, sir.

BEAST: Wonít you get fired?

(pause)

700 Club: Uh, no.

BEAST: But thatís what Pat said.

700 Club: Sir, Iím not praying for the assassination of Chavez. We can pray to have love for our enemies, but Iím not praying to wish harm on him; thereís no love in that.

BEAST: What about wrath, smiting and a vengeful god?

700 Club: The wrath?

BEAST: Shouldn't they be punished?

700 Club: Should who be punished?

BEAST: DictatorsóHugo Chavez, anyone against national interests. Because the president talks to God, right?

700 Club: Okay, all right, letís see what we can do with this prayer thing, okay? Letís find something to pray on this and were going to take this to the lord in prayer, but not for any assassination.

BEAST: No?

700 Club: No, no, no, no!

BEAST: How about just a sliver or a stubbed toe, can you pray for that?

700 Club: I mean I wouldnít even want anything to happen to David Duke and heís a full courseóheís a racist, you know. So I donít want nothing worse to happen to David Duke. You know he done some horrible stuff; I donít want nothing for David Duke. Iím not going to pray for this right here, but weíre going to pray. Okay?

BEAST: How about we pray for people who say we should assassinate him.

700 Club: UhÖ

BEAST: Letís pray for Pat Robertson. Can we do that?

700 Club: Uh, letís pray.

BEAST: Yeah, dear lord heaven somethingÖ

700 Club: No, no, no, no no, we not going to go on this together because you may say the wrong thing. So letísóuh, go ahead and let me pray and if you donít agree, fine.

BEAST: Okay.

700 Club: Father, in the name of the lord Jesus Christ we pray. I would like you to put your hands on this situation today lord, in the name of Jesus, lord. Lord, in the flesh we have a tendency to want to get back at our enemies, but the bible says vengeance is mine, said the lord, in the mighty name of the lord Jesus Christ we pray, and that goes for if America is wrong; it goes for if people down in South America is wrong, wherever, because the Bible says you reap what you sow, according to Galatians chapter 6 verse 7. These prayers and these blessings we ask are in Jesus name, amen.

BEAST: Amen for the assasination of Hugo Chavez!

700 Club: Sir, I rebuke that in Jesus name. Amen.

BEAST: Amen.

*click*


For an mp3 audio recording of this call, click here - or right-click and save to download. (First few seconds are cut off, and there's a glitch toward the end--sorry.)

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