Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

Sept 7-Sept 21, 2005
Issue #83

  ..Buffalo's Best Fiend
   
Brown Nose
Buffalo News Endorses Mediocrity
Allan Uthman

Occupational Hazard
Why They Hate Us
Alexander Zaitchik

Lie of the Storm
No one could've predicted this, or something
Kit Smith
Joltin' Bolton
UN Ambassador as bad as you thought
Jeff Dean
Beast Calling!
A Tele-prayer with the 700 Club
(includes audio)

Area Man Remembers 9-11 Twice Daily
Ian Murphy

Point/Counterpoint
A debate on withdrawal

The BEAST BLOG
Buffalo in Briefs
The Sports Blotter
The Week in Sports Crime
Matt Taibbi
Page 3
Bills Season Preview
Ronnie Roscoe
Separated at Birth?
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Korner: Movies
Voicemails
[sic] - Letters
 Cover Page

COMIX:
Idiot Box
Perry Bible Fellowship
Bob the Angry Flower

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Joltin’ Bolton
UN Ambassador does what everyone said he would

Jeff Dean

So new to the United Nations that he hasn’t yet memorized his locker combination, United States Ambassador to the U.N. John R. Bolton worked swiftly to maintain his reputation as a large prick by introducing 750 last-minute amendments to the U.N.’s Reform Document a scant three weeks before the body convenes to discuss the reforms.

Bolton bypassed the checks-and-balances system last month after it became clear he wouldn’t be appointed in the traditional manner. He was installed in his position via a recess appointment, a loophole through which the executive branch can skip the senate’s advise-and-consent powers—one which is virtually never used for such a high-level position. Still, he wasted little time in rolling up his sleeves and getting to the task of dismantling the last barrier to complete American domination of the planet. Setting his sights on the Reform Document -- which promises to define the U.N.’s role in world security and economic development in the face of poverty, disease, terrorism and weapon technologies -- Bolton has offered the U.N. a my way/highway choice. Either option threatens to weaken the Reform Document to the point of inconsequence.

Critics claim that the 750 amendments suggested by the United States touch on every paragraph and effectively rewrite the document to the benefit of the United States. The amendments remove sections on poverty and enhance sections on free-market issues and the promotion of democracy through the world, delete references to the International Criminal Court and the Kyoto Treaty, and eliminate most references to the Millennium Development Goals, which were signed by the United States in 2000. The MDG include eradicating hunger and poverty, achieving universal primary education, promoting gender equality, reducing child mortality, improving maternal health, combating disease, and ensuring environmental stability. It is easy to understand Bolton’s objections: what were we thinking signing THAT?

The U.S. raised objections in mid-August, and at that time, U.N. General Assembly President Jean Ping unveiled a plan to assemble 30 core nations to work to resolve any objections to the Reform Document, hoping to avoid any last-minute negotiations before the mid September convention. Ping’s suggestion was made after Bolton suggested deleting major portions of the document, thus gutting the initiative and dooming it to failure. Though the United States denies trying to sabotage the process, the U.N. is scrambling to resolve and negotiate the issues with the deadline looming.

Bolton, ever the nice guy, did offer that, should the U.N. find the 750 amendments a bit tough to chew, he would be most happy to replace the 38-page document with a 3-page paper, likely on his own letterhead.

Most Americans have studied the situation with the same fervor that led to the rioting over Bolton’s recess appointment. As Minnesota Republican Senator Norm Coleman said of Bolton prior to the appointment, “He will speak for the president of the United States. He will speak for America.”

Hey, wait....that’s us! Curses, foiled again.

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