Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend

Sept 7-Sept 21, 2005
Issue #83

  ..Buffalo's Best Fiend
Brown Nose
Buffalo News Endorses Mediocrity
Allan Uthman

Occupational Hazard
Why They Hate Us
Alexander Zaitchik

Lie of the Storm
No one could've predicted this, or something
Kit Smith
Joltin' Bolton
UN Ambassador as bad as you thought
Jeff Dean
Beast Calling!
A Tele-prayer with the 700 Club
(includes audio)

Area Man Remembers 9-11 Twice Daily
Ian Murphy

A debate on withdrawal

Buffalo in Briefs
The Sports Blotter
The Week in Sports Crime
Matt Taibbi
Page 3
Bills Season Preview
Ronnie Roscoe
Separated at Birth?
Kino Korner: Movies
[sic] - Letters
 Cover Page

Idiot Box
Perry Bible Fellowship
Bob the Angry Flower

(right-click & "save target")


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Beast-O-Scopes by Andrew Gullerstein

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

The Great Mountain has spoken, Virgo, and has given me a message for you! I know you’re all excited because you found some black market site on the internet that will sell and ship you a baby Nile crocodile for two hundred dollars plus shipping, but you should think before you buy. This is not an iguana Virgo, it’s a crocodile, and you live in a one bedroom apartment. The Great Mountain wishes you to know that, should you make this purchase, your nickname will be Captain Hook before the end of the decade.

Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)

Libra, The Great Mountain has spoken and has given me a message for you! The message is as follows; Stop farting in bed and holding your wife’s head under the covers. If you don’t stop with the nightly Dutch Oven activity, she is going to kill you while you sleep.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

The Great Mountain has spoken, Scorpio, and has given me a message for you! It is one thing to live in a trailer but it is quite another to aspire to live in a trailer. You need to set your goals a little higher, Scorpio, if you ever want to live a life less ordinary. Believe me, a trailer might be cheap but it doesn’t impress the girls at the club, even if it’s a really really nice trailer with a bar and carport. The Great Mountain says to raise the bar, Scorpio, not a lot but just enough to get laid.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Sagittarius, The Great Mountain has spoken and has given me a message for you! There you are, enjoying your vacation in a small rustic cabin on a large piece of mostly wooded land with the nearest neighbor about thirty minutes away, and you suddenly realize it’s midnight, you have to take a shit, and the bathroom is a three-minute walk through the pitch black of night. Immediately, your primal, instinctual fear of the dark kicks in, and your heart beats a little faster. You know, those instincts that every dimwitted and smug psychology 101 professor tells you don’t exist because humans don’t have instincts? Yet something in your genetic code is telling you that there is a predator out there in the dark. Well, The Great Mountain wants you to know that there is not a cougar or pack of wolves out there waiting for you, but rather a man named Carl. He lives in a cave about a mile or so past the thickest section of forest, and he wants to eat your organs and illuminate his cave with your bleached bones. So you might want to hold it until dawn.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Capricorn, The Great Mountain has spoken and has given me a message for you! If you ever have the opportunity to take mescaline and spend the day riding around in the woods on an ATV, you should do it without hesitation. You should also strap a cooler filled with beer to the back of that ATV, so that you can drink continuously while on the mescaline. Do not wear a helmet under any circumstances, and bring a video camera. The Great Mountain has spoken.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aquarius, The Great Mountain has spoken and has given me a message for you! Stop being such a pussy and tell your thuggish neighbor to stop telling his friends they can park in your driveway when they come over. Have some self respect and tell that asshole to cut the shit. He might look tough, but The Great Mountain wants you to know he was somebody’s bitch in prison and that you should stop being a bitch’s bitch, Aquarius. It makes you look bad to us all.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

The Great Mountain has spoken, Pisces, and has given me a message for you! You need to drive to the ocean and ask it why it hates mammals so much. Wait there until you get the answer. You might want to bring some snacks.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

The Great Mountain has spoken, Aries, and has given me a message for you! It says to stop putting peanut butter on your balls and letting the dog lick it off. Even if we could put aside the bestiality angle, what you are doing is still wrong on many levels. In fact, the “how can I get the dog to lick my balls?” question doesn’t even crop up in the minds of most guys, let alone make it to the experimentation and success phases. You are to put an end to this activity immediately, says the Great Mountain, or cosmic punishment will be levied and enforced onto your sick ass. Take this advice and just throw out that coupon for the Extra Chunky.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, The Great Mountain has spoken and has given me a message for you! Prostituting yourself for crack is not going to give you the edge over your addiction you are looking for. Rather, your problems will only get worse as your fees steadily slip in order to ensure you make enough for the next hit, in response to reduced demand as you skank out. Then, before you know it, you’ll be taking a mouthful for two Newports and three dollars in change from a guy who “doesn’t believe in soap.” Let’s not even get into what your ass is going to feel like. You know damn well that all your orifices combined don’t have the stamina or durability to keep up with the cravings for Rock. The Great Mountain is blessing you with this final bit of advice: Stop smoking Crack you fucking idiot.

Gemini (May 21 –June 20)

Gemini, The Great Mountain has spoken and has given me a message for you! Your decision to buy an ounce of pot over paying your car insurance is going to come back to haunt you very soon. I know the weed was of superior quality, but you should have just bought an eighth and used it conservatively. Instead you have chosen to drive around uninsured while smoking a large amount of primo weed. Not only will the cops find the roaches in the ashtray after the accident and charge you with possession and DUI, but that bitch that hit you is going to sue your uninsured ass. Therefore, the advice dispensed from The Great Mountain is to ride your bike and take the bus for the rest of the month until that policy is reinstated, and be sure to share that shit with your friends, you greedy dickface.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

The Great Mountain has spoken, Cancer, and has given me a message for you! Do you remember those videos you shot of yourself jerking off while wearing a diaper? Well your ex-girlfriend found them in one of her boxes after you kicked her out and is in the process of making a deluxe widescreen director’s cut of your little cinematic enterprise. She will soon be mailing out DVDs to everyone you know, including your boss at the daycare center. The Great Mountain advises you call her right away and beg for her forgiveness. Then take her out to dinner and don’t forget the flowers. Once you have regained her trust, find the originals, and destroy those computer files while she sleeps. Then dump her ass again. Otherwise, Baby Huey may have to move to another country.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo, The Great Mountain has spoken and has given me a message for you! You may love that woman, but she is nothing but a gold-digging bitch. Your parents know it, your friends know it and even your dog knows it. Yet for some reason you don’t see it. Don’t be fooled by the good sex, because only whores fuck like that and any whorehopper will confirm it. Get out now while you still can, Leo, The Great Mountain wishes you to know that her “birth control pills” don’t just look like Tic-Tacs; they are Tic-Tacs.

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