Virgo
(Aug 23-Sept 22)
The
Great Mountain has spoken, Virgo, and has given me a message
for you! I know you’re all excited because you found
some black market site on the internet that will sell and
ship you a baby Nile crocodile for two hundred dollars plus
shipping, but you should think before you buy. This is not
an iguana Virgo, it’s a crocodile, and you live in
a one bedroom apartment. The Great Mountain wishes you to
know that, should you make this purchase, your nickname
will be Captain Hook before the end of the decade.
Libra
(Sept 23 –Oct 22)
Libra,
The Great Mountain has spoken and has given me a message
for you! The message is as follows; Stop farting in bed
and holding your wife’s head under the covers. If
you don’t stop with the nightly Dutch Oven activity,
she is going to kill you while you sleep.
Scorpio
(Oct 23-Nov 21)
The
Great Mountain has spoken, Scorpio, and has given me a message
for you! It is one thing to live in a trailer but it is
quite another to aspire to live in a trailer. You need to
set your goals a little higher, Scorpio, if you ever want
to live a life less ordinary. Believe me, a trailer might
be cheap but it doesn’t impress the girls at the club,
even if it’s a really really nice trailer with a bar
and carport. The Great Mountain says to raise the bar, Scorpio,
not a lot but just enough to get laid.
Sagittarius
(Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Sagittarius,
The Great Mountain has spoken and has given me a message
for you! There you are, enjoying your vacation in a small
rustic cabin on a large piece of mostly wooded land with
the nearest neighbor about thirty minutes away, and you
suddenly realize it’s midnight, you have to take a
shit, and the bathroom is a three-minute walk through the
pitch black of night. Immediately, your primal, instinctual
fear of the dark kicks in, and your heart beats a little
faster. You know, those instincts that every dimwitted and
smug psychology 101 professor tells you don’t exist
because humans don’t have instincts? Yet something
in your genetic code is telling you that there is a predator
out there in the dark. Well, The Great Mountain wants you
to know that there is not a cougar or pack of wolves out
there waiting for you, but rather a man named Carl. He lives
in a cave about a mile or so past the thickest section of
forest, and he wants to eat your organs and illuminate his
cave with your bleached bones. So you might want to hold
it until dawn.
Capricorn
(Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Capricorn,
The Great Mountain has spoken and has given me a message
for you! If you ever have the opportunity to take mescaline
and spend the day riding around in the woods on an ATV,
you should do it without hesitation. You should also strap
a cooler filled with beer to the back of that ATV, so that
you can drink continuously while on the mescaline. Do not
wear a helmet under any circumstances, and bring a video
camera. The Great Mountain has spoken.
Aquarius
(Jan 20-Feb 18)
Aquarius,
The Great Mountain has spoken and has given me a message
for you! Stop being such a pussy and tell your thuggish
neighbor to stop telling his friends they can park in your
driveway when they come over. Have some self respect and
tell that asshole to cut the shit. He might look tough,
but The Great Mountain wants you to know he was somebody’s
bitch in prison and that you should stop being a bitch’s
bitch, Aquarius. It makes you look bad to us all.
Pisces
(Feb 19-March 20)
The
Great Mountain has spoken, Pisces, and has given me a message
for you! You need to drive to the ocean and ask it why it
hates mammals so much. Wait there until you get the answer.
You might want to bring some snacks.
Aries
(March 21-April 19)
The
Great Mountain has spoken, Aries, and has given me a message
for you! It says to stop putting peanut butter on your balls
and letting the dog lick it off. Even if we could put aside
the bestiality angle, what you are doing is still wrong
on many levels. In fact, the “how can I get the dog
to lick my balls?” question doesn’t even crop
up in the minds of most guys, let alone make it to the experimentation
and success phases. You are to put an end to this activity
immediately, says the Great Mountain, or cosmic punishment
will be levied and enforced onto your sick ass. Take this
advice and just throw out that coupon for the Extra Chunky.
Taurus
(April 20-May 20)
Taurus,
The Great Mountain has spoken and has given me a message
for you! Prostituting yourself for crack is not going to
give you the edge over your addiction you are looking for.
Rather, your problems will only get worse as your fees steadily
slip in order to ensure you make enough for the next hit,
in response to reduced demand as you skank out. Then, before
you know it, you’ll be taking a mouthful for two Newports
and three dollars in change from a guy who “doesn’t
believe in soap.” Let’s not even get into what
your ass is going to feel like. You know damn well that
all your orifices combined don’t have the stamina
or durability to keep up with the cravings for Rock. The
Great Mountain is blessing you with this final bit of advice:
Stop smoking Crack you fucking idiot.
Gemini
(May 21 –June 20)
Gemini,
The Great Mountain has spoken and has given me a message
for you! Your decision to buy an ounce of pot over paying
your car insurance is going to come back to haunt you very
soon. I know the weed was of superior quality, but you should
have just bought an eighth and used it conservatively. Instead
you have chosen to drive around uninsured while smoking
a large amount of primo weed. Not only will the cops find
the roaches in the ashtray after the accident and charge
you with possession and DUI, but that bitch that hit you
is going to sue your uninsured ass. Therefore, the advice
dispensed from The Great Mountain is to ride your bike and
take the bus for the rest of the month until that policy
is reinstated, and be sure to share that shit with your
friends, you greedy dickface.
Cancer
(June 21-July 22)
The
Great Mountain has spoken, Cancer, and has given me a message
for you! Do you remember those videos you shot of yourself
jerking off while wearing a diaper? Well your ex-girlfriend
found them in one of her boxes after you kicked her out
and is in the process of making a deluxe widescreen director’s
cut of your little cinematic enterprise. She will soon be
mailing out DVDs to everyone you know, including your boss
at the daycare center. The Great Mountain advises you call
her right away and beg for her forgiveness. Then take her
out to dinner and don’t forget the flowers. Once you
have regained her trust, find the originals, and destroy
those computer files while she sleeps. Then dump her ass
again. Otherwise, Baby Huey may have to move to another
country.
Leo
(July 23-Aug. 22)
Leo,
The Great Mountain has spoken and has given me a message
for you! You may love that woman, but she is nothing but
a gold-digging bitch. Your parents know it, your friends
know it and even your dog knows it. Yet for some reason
you don’t see it. Don’t be fooled by the good
sex, because only whores fuck like that and any whorehopper
will confirm it. Get out now while you still can, Leo, The
Great Mountain wishes you to know that her “birth
control pills” don’t just look like Tic-Tacs;
they are Tic-Tacs.
