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SUPPORT
OUR POOP
Subject:
An open response to Matthew J. Mancini RE: Issue #82 letter
("An Army of Dumb")
Dear
Matthew,
I read your letter with great interest, as it was quite coherent,
for a Beast letter. You made some very interesting points
for your case, though I was a little disappointed in the immature
tone ("...I for one will not pick up another Beast unless
there is a trash can near by [sic: nearby is one word -- how’s
freshman year treating you?]"). Don't be a douche, my
friend, because we all know you read the issue your letter
was in, and that you're standing by a Big Red Box right now
fighting back orgasms reading this letter. That's the writing
life, son.
Anyhoo,
we both have something in common. We both had relatives in
World War II. My great uncle Herbert Storm served in the Army
and held a cushy gig at Fort Niagara when it was still active.
Then they sent him to the Pacific Theater. This sweet family
man was so psychologically damaged by the horrors of war that
he was sent home a few weeks later. He suffered a complete
mental breakdown and spent the rest of his life in an apartment
behind Angola's Block Hotel, where my grandmother would visit
every week and change his sheets and clip his toenails. After
suffering a stroke, he was confined to a nursing home. I was
the only one in the family who wrote him regularly, and in
his weak-handed scrawl went on and on about the horrors of
the VA and a lot of very dark stuff concerning the Philippines.
I
offer this personal story as a swat at your accusation that
"...you people...have shown you have no decency for the
people who have died serving you and no heart for this great
country of ours..." Beg pardon? As a contributor to the
Beast, I feel that I am securely in your bull’s-eye,
and I take offense.
Your
issue was with the ad
(it is "ad," by the way, short for "advertisement";
you repeatedly typed "add," which is one and one
equals two, but I don't want to steal the thunder from your
Math 099 professors) satire mocking the "Army of One"
ads, featuring a toetag with the words "I got money for
college." I'm a pretty fair guy, and I can actually do
this thing -- it's freaky -- where I can look at both sides
of an issue and form an opinion. I did that in this case.
In doing so, I realized that I had actually been in this position
before: I once saw a similar ad featuring a toetag with a
cigarette label on it. Wait, Matt, there's more: my mother
died of cancer from smoking cigarettes. So, I'm conflicted.
Should I be pissed off at the Ad Council for insensitivity
toward my mom's love of cigarettes? Was it a smack in the
face of the families of fallen smokers?
Yes,
I'm simplifying this, Matt, because I sense you are a very
simple man. And as a simple man, you are probably thinking:
Holy shit! Did he just compare dead soldiers to smokers? Yes,
Matt, I did. Because this country is addicted to murder and
conquest, and the military is selling death to kids by luring
them with sweet deals. And the addiction will always continue,
thanks to people like you who maintain the myopic and self-righteous
opinion that blood -- as long as it isn't your own -- is a
noble thing to shed, and that dissent -- a freedom for which
the blood is supposedly shed -- is shameful.
Hugs,
Jeff Dean, Hamburg
Er…yeah!
What he said!
BAIT
SHOP MAY NOT SAVE CITY?
Hi Paul,
Thank-you
for being the only publication with the "Stones"
to tell the truth.
I
am running for Mayor and am shocked at the corruption in the
media.
The
corruption in the political parties is expected,,,,,,,but
the media is thought to be at least a cut above.
At
a recent debate, I broke the story that the Bass Pro deal
is the biggest swindle in Buffalo history.
The
largest stockholder/parent company is Gaylord LLC out of Nashville,
Tenn.
They
openly admit that 2 yrs after getting the $66M in corporate
welfare, they will sell the stock!
Nobody
wants to hear it! A retired Bflo Police Lt. brought this to
my attention,,,,,,he was shocked none of the other Mayoral
candidates would even listen.
Charlie
Flynn
Hang
in there Paul!
Hehe…you said “Gaylord.”
STICK
BUNDLE ENJOYS BARBS
Beast dudes (or Beastie Bros.)
You already know you’ve got the best paper in existence
on the planet today, so I won’t try to flatter you.
But thanks for printing the letter from the offended anorexic
and making the point that lefty people like offensive humor
when it’s not about them. I’ve been in hardcore/punk
bands since I was 15, so I’m predisposed to love offensive
humor anyway. But I’m also gay, and don’t get
freaked out by being the butt of the joke sometimes. Anyone
who only likes offensive humor when it’s directed a
conservative dickheads, and not those that they deem to be
on their team, deserve to be thrashed in public. In every
issue of the Beast, the word “faggot” appears,
not only don’t I give a fuck, how can we turn the whole
U.S.A. into Beastie nation?
Thanks,
fag!
PUBLIC
SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
To
whom it may concern:
I'm submitting this letter because I feel it is my civic duty
to spread a warning about a dire menace currently lurking
in movie theaters. It's "A Sound of Thunder" and
the threat is real.
It
started innocently enough for myself and a friend. We wanted
to squeeze one last bit of fun into the Labor Day weekend
and decided to see a movie Monday evening. There isn't much
out there that we haven't seen, but we weren't ready to give
in without at least looking through the listings.
"Hey,
here's 'A Sound of Thunder.' It's based on a classic Ray Bradbury
story. It's got Ben Kingsley and Ed Burns, " I said,
"At least it's not a sequel to something."
So,
we went to the show.
Wow.
I...I think I've been violated in some way. Mugged at the
least.
Instead
of a PG-13 rating, this thing ought to come with a warning
label. Criminal charges must be filed against those responsible.
Hugely, grotesquely, colossally bad movie. Better films have
gone straight to hushed DVD release. I am genuinely shocked
a flick this bad can be made and distributed. Holy crap. If
Mr. Bradbury were dead, I imagine the spinning in his grave
would be in the terahertz range. And this atrocity may well
finish him off if he has to sit through it. I'm in pretty
good shape and I barely survived. My friend was not so fortunate.
The rehabilitation will take years. Doctors say he may never
walk -- into a movie theater -- again.
Please
help me spread the warning about this, the mother of all turkeys.
We must be forever vigilant against this film being viewed
by anyone. It's bound to find its way onto basic cable and
rental shelves. It's just that sinister.
Thank
you and beware.
Sincerely,
Neil Kowalewski, Buffalo
Listen,
Gildea, you already get two pages to do movie reviews. Isn’t
that enough, you craven bastard?
GOFF SCOFF
( reply to: 'No
Strategy, Just Exit' by Stan Goff)
Hey, Stan Goff; who died and made you Lord of the fucking
Left?
Oh, your analysis of the spectacular failure of the anti-war
left is just absolutely fucking brilliant. Since the Spanish
Civil War we've heard the same critique about the left eating
itself alive; but I guess we really do need you to tell us
whose fault it all is. Thank you very much, asshole.
And you're quite right; everybody & Todd Gitlin's dog's
brother is glomming on to Cindy Sherman. But guess what? That
includes you, too, shithead. You just have a different way
of trying to co-opt her, and to cop some of her cool. You,
alone, can see past all those callow opportunists and speak
to Cindy's true pristine perfect message. Like you're not
full of barely disguised contempt for her, too. Just like
the next well-informed leftish theorist who never got diddly
done about squat.
And how about this quote from you:
"
The US withdrawal from Iraq will be one of the biggest victories
for genuine people's movements, here and abroad, since the
US was forced out of Vietnam."
You wouldn't know a "genuine people's movement"
if one came up and bit you on the ass, sport.
So
put down your Howard Zinn and quit the drippy utopian noodling
about " the people ". Time to go old school and
take a page from Bayard Rustin instead. He knew the value
of pragmatism enough to say:
"
sometimes you're gonna have to take a sniff and see which
plop stinks less; if you don't wan't to completely disenfranchise
yourselves".
Reaction
more often than not follows revolution. Better expect at least
a plurality of enthusiastic public support for the opportunistic
fascist reaction that will follow the humiliating spectacle
of a cut & run from Iraq. The right wing is thinking two
steps ahead of you. Then it will be Darth Cheney who will
be quoting Lenin:
"
If you want to make an omelette, you gotta crack a few eggs".
If
you want to counter the dominant class, quit sounding like
just another dominant ass. - andres conejito
We appreciate your enthusiasm, Andres, but don’t
forget that Goff is a Special Forces vet, knows about “genuine
people’s movements” because he helped crush them,
and could easily shove you up your own ass. But hey, we’re
sure you’re right that a full, immediate withdrawal
from Iraq is just what the Bush administration wants. Those
tricky bastards!
BARBOURISM
FROM
THE DESK OF GOVERNOR HALEY BARBOUR (MS):
For
Immediate Release:
The
following knowledge will be crucial to any Louisiana officials
seeking federal flood assistance. The key to President Bush's
humanity is a good nickname. If you've got a good nickname,
he’ll like you.
Nicknames
help him "see" or "imprint", if you will,
upon an object of empathy as human or worthy of emotion. Always
aware of this, we nickname all of the president’s priorities
for him. Terri Schiavo was "Veggie", for example.
The fetus: Doughboy. He loves to call zygotes "ziggy".
Sounds
silly, but after being given those names to ponder, he went
from favoring first trimester legal abortions to banning the
morning after pill. When he heard "Veggie", Pres.
Bush actually skipped his morning glass of Benadryl in his
rush to personally save her.
Take
my advice. If you want this president to see African American
flood victims as lovable human folks, start giving them catchy
nicknames. For instance: a corpse in Lake Pontchartrain could
be called "Floatie"
Haley
"Pussbutt" Barbour--
Haley,
there’s another way to make blacks more sympathetic
to Bush: simply give them money. In no time, they’ll
all be cabinet secretaries and appellate court judges.
PUSSY LOVERS
Dear
Paul,
My cousin and I would like to inform you that we would be
very interested in applying for your advertisement.
We would also like to let you know just how disgusted we both
are at what you are going to do to that poor innocent animal.
Who ever it is holding the kitten should be ashamed of themselves!
What kind of a person are you Paul to do a terrible thing
like that to an animal that can not speak for itself?! What
you are doing is a threat and animal abuse which is illegal!!
You sound like a really filthy and cold-hearted human being
that only feels satisfied with life if he kills a kitten!
I DON"T CARE IF YOU ARE A FREAKIN CELEBRITY ON NATIONAL
TELEVISION!!!! YOU ARE STILL ABUSIVE AND CRUEL HUMAN BEING,
I HOPE YOU DIE AND BURN IN HELL'S PITS YOU BASTARD!!!!IF THAT
IS YOUR WIFE HOLDING THE POOR KITTEN THEN WE'LL "ALL"
HOPE HER TITS FALL OFF!!):=
>From Ciara and Catherine
Bitches,
We have no idea whether this is supposed to be funny or serious,
which means you have failed either way. At any rate, since
you did not advertise, that poor, sweet kitty’s death
is entirely your fault. If it is any consolation to you, we
must say it was quite delicious.
THEOGRAPHY TEST
Hey
guys, simple question:
If you locked Pat Robertson in a room with a blank map of
South America, do you think he could correctly identify where
Venezuela is and what the capital of the country is?
Because, I guess if you're going to request the assassination
of a foreign leader, you should at least know where he is.
Any ideas? Vegas odds?
Jeremiah
Oh
come on, Jeremiah, be fair. A man can’t be expected
to know the precise location of every single nation he has
slated for imperial aggression, can he? Seriously, do you
think Bush even knows where Mexico is, let alone North Korea?
The only place Pat needs to know coordinates for is Heaven…
we have a feeling he’ll find Hell one way or another.
WHAT A ZANY NUT!
I
must tell you that I really enjoy the Beast. It has given
me so much pleasure to see someone in this town call it like
it is.
I wondered if you might consider running an article about
annoying things and stupid people.
How about the ridicules advertising on TV by these lawyers
for class action suits. Wouldn't it be great if we could start
a grass roots campaign to get rid of them? I understand there
is a charge for each call placed to an 800 number. Why not
encourage thousands of people across the country to call and
hang up. Over and over.
How about the suburbs. Have you noticed that all the new homeowners
that move into houses with one garage and own 3 cars. No matter.
They pave their lawn or they just park on the lawn! It's so
nice to see that they respect the neighborhood and property
values.
How about people that are so lazy they can't get out of there
car when they pick someone up. It so much easier to just lay
on the horn. It doesn't matter what time it is.
How about those individuals that park in the fire zone at
supermarkets. No need to walk any further than that. It doesn't
matter that everyone else has to walk around their car to
get to the store entrance.
Hope you consider this idea for your paper. Especially the
lawyers!
Tim Downey
Wow, Tim. Your ideas are so outrageous. They are way too
wild for us. Maybe you should try giving them to someone more
daring, like Tim Allen.
CHARLOTTE’S EBB
I
seen a story about your paper/website on CJ, it's comforting
to read a paper that has the truth published unfortunately
I had to be a percentage who had to move out of state (Charlotte,NC)
because of lack of jobs but, I always try to keep in touch
with the place where I was born (Home sweet home) and hope
to move back when it all clears up...I won't hold my breath.
I am glad I found a new better way to get my information...
Keep up the great work!
-Anthony
This
is the second letter we’ve received from a Charlotte,
NC transplant who suddenly writes like a bucktoothed southerner.
Stay away from the Carolinas, people! The “brain drain”
is more literal than you think!
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