Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

Oct 5 - Oct 19, 2005
Issue #85

  ..Buffalo's Best Fiend
   
Bursting the Bennett Bubble
Count me out on this one
Allan Uthman

Post-Katrina, Pre-kaboom?
The Nukes are Loose
Russ Wellen

Tenet & the Bare Necessities
Touch the CIA Director
A Monkey
Fristing America
In Search of the Senator's Rolex
Ian Murphy
Life, Liberty & the Pursuit of Gasoline
Kit Smith
FAUX-TURES
Bush Declares War on Hurricanes
"It's time to fight back"
Luke Allein
Ask a Janjaweed Militiaman
Genocidal social advice
How to Wipe Your Ass With Buffalo Current
New paper finds its niche

Visitor's Gude to  Buffalo--Cheektowaga
Tom Maccio

The BEAST BLOG
Buffalo in Briefs
Wide Right
Bills Football
Ronnie Roscoe
Kino Korner: Movies
Michael Gildea
Page 3
Separated at Birth?
Beast-O-Scopes
[sic] - Letters
 Cover Page

COMIX:
Idiot Box
Perry Bible Fellowship
Bob the Angry Flower

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The Visitors Guide to Buffalo
by Tom Maccio


CHEEKTOWAGA


“The Visitors Guide to Buffalo” offers you an insider’s guide to food, fun, and filth in scenic Buffalo, NY and the depressing industrial suburbs in the surrounding areas. This issue we’ll take a stroll through strip mall culture; pink flamingo adorned Cheektowaga, (or as local barfly Sally Kracorski says “Cheek- ato-war-guh.”).

Comprised of a large Polish-American population, Cheektowaga is a hotbed of culture, providing to its visitors entertainment in the form of bowling, laser tag, and draft beer farts. Often referred to as “Cheek-to-Vegas,” it’s more like a low-rent “Cheek-to-Reno.” Local residents are actually friendly and courteous, with the exception of a few slack-jawed, porno-mustached flannel shirt enthusiasts. Visitors take note: tune the radio in your Dodge Neon rental to Kiss 98.5 for full effect, (that booming “white people dancing with their hips and hands while feet remain stationary” effect will overcome you!).

Upon request, the local car rental agency provides our young lady visitors with “princess” or “goddess” stickers big enough to cover your entire back window, and enough titty-beads to dangerously obscure your view while driving on Union Road and talking on your cell phone in rush hour traffic. You’ll fit right in. Holla girl!

Nightlife
If it’s nightlife you’re looking for, you’ll find it here. Such fine establishments as Rock-n-Roll Heaven, Kixx, and T-Bird’s are great places to mingle with local toothless booze-hags and feel a whole lot better about yourself. Cheektowankers love to party.

Stop at the bar and ask for a local favorite: Genny draft. You may be pleasantly surprised! This is a fine, full-bodied ale with a slight aftertaste of skunk shit. It’s a well-kept secret that supermodels use it as a laxative for weight maintenance. Sally says, “Buy me a Genny and I’ll show you my tits!”

Are you a lonely gentleman from out of town, in on a business trip? Stop in at Mademoiselle Gentlemen’s Club. Comfy atmosphere here, even more alcohol; nothing like that strip joint in Niagara Falls. You remember—only three strippers. The first had a full leg cast, the second a huge c-section scar, and the last a double-wide afro. Did I mention the alcohol?


Dining
Getting hungry just thinking about it? Make sure to stop in at the local down-low cruisin’ spot, Jim’s Truck Stop and Diner, where the DNA-stained toilet stalls walls could easily feature as a stunt on Fear Factor. The service here is wonderful. I once requested steak sauce from the middle-aged toothless cougar of a waitress, to which she replied, “ This ain’t fine dinin’ honey.” True story.

Other culinary highlights featured here: leaving a Chinese buffet to find a used, tied off condom next to my car in the parking lot and, oh yeah, I once asked a morbidly obese, goiter-necked counter monster at the local Taco Bell which entrees didn’t contain meat. She gazed blankly at me for a moment and replied: “Uh…chicken burrito?” Tragic.

But that’s not to say you can’t find some good eats here. Alton’s on Walden ain’t bad and I can’t recall having a bad time at Jack Astor’s in the Galleria, (local mall culture is a vast and limitless topic and deserves an article all its own).

Local Favorites
Other local attractions include shopping at the local Wal-Mart (if you think Wal-Mart in general is depressing, you have got to see this), that crazy deer lady in Stiglemeier Park, (seriously, she wears a hoody and sun glasses to remain inconspicuous due to court orders and legal constraints , shit it worked for Unabomber superstar Ted Kazinski, why not?), and even more drinking!

Last but not least, no trip to the east of Buffalo would be complete without a visit to the Mecca of white trash bartering, the Walden Avenue Super Flea! Here, the dregs of humanity make weekly pilgrimage to purchase bootleg merchandise, velvet paintings of wolves, eagles, and unicorns, dollar store rejects, ergonomic fly swatters, and to eat food that smells like burnt hair.

LEGEND (OUT OF 5 STARS)

Filth factor
Delayed police response time
Drunken asshole factor
Hostile locals

Stuck up bitches with crayola hilights in their hair

Possibility of becoming Ned Beatty in “ Deliverance”

Aromatic quality similar to Niagara Falls

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