The
Visitors Guide to Buffalo
by Tom Maccio
CHEEKTOWAGA
“The Visitors Guide to Buffalo” offers
you an insider’s guide to food, fun, and filth in scenic
Buffalo, NY and the depressing industrial suburbs in the surrounding
areas. This issue we’ll take a stroll through strip
mall culture; pink flamingo adorned Cheektowaga, (or as local
barfly Sally Kracorski says “Cheek- ato-war-guh.”).
Comprised of a large Polish-American population,
Cheektowaga is a hotbed of culture, providing to its visitors
entertainment in the form of bowling, laser tag, and draft
beer farts. Often referred to as “Cheek-to-Vegas,”
it’s more like a low-rent “Cheek-to-Reno.”
Local residents are actually friendly and courteous, with
the exception of a few slack-jawed, porno-mustached flannel
shirt enthusiasts. Visitors take note: tune the radio in your
Dodge Neon rental to Kiss 98.5 for full effect, (that booming
“white people dancing with their hips and hands while
feet remain stationary” effect will overcome you!).
Upon request, the local car rental agency
provides our young lady visitors with “princess”
or “goddess” stickers big enough to cover your
entire back window, and enough titty-beads to dangerously
obscure your view while driving on Union Road and talking
on your cell phone in rush hour traffic. You’ll fit
right in. Holla girl!
Nightlife
If it’s nightlife you’re looking for, you’ll
find it here. Such fine establishments as Rock-n-Roll Heaven,
Kixx, and T-Bird’s are great places to mingle with local
toothless booze-hags and feel a whole lot better about yourself.
Cheektowankers love to party.
Stop at the bar and ask for a local favorite:
Genny draft. You may be pleasantly surprised! This is a fine,
full-bodied ale with a slight aftertaste of skunk shit. It’s
a well-kept secret that supermodels use it as a laxative for
weight maintenance. Sally says, “Buy me a Genny and
I’ll show you my tits!”
Are you a lonely gentleman from out of town,
in on a business trip? Stop in at Mademoiselle Gentlemen’s
Club. Comfy atmosphere here, even more alcohol; nothing like
that strip joint in Niagara Falls. You remember—only
three strippers. The first had a full leg cast, the second
a huge c-section scar, and the last a double-wide afro. Did
I mention the alcohol?
Dining
Getting hungry just thinking about it? Make sure to stop in
at the local down-low cruisin’ spot, Jim’s Truck
Stop and Diner, where the DNA-stained toilet stalls walls
could easily feature as a stunt on Fear Factor. The service
here is wonderful. I once requested steak sauce from the middle-aged
toothless cougar of a waitress, to which she replied, “
This ain’t fine dinin’ honey.” True story.
Other culinary highlights featured here: leaving a Chinese
buffet to find a used, tied off condom next to my car in the
parking lot and, oh yeah, I once asked a morbidly obese, goiter-necked
counter monster at the local Taco Bell which entrees didn’t
contain meat. She gazed blankly at me for a moment and replied:
“Uh…chicken burrito?” Tragic.
But that’s not to say you can’t find some good
eats here. Alton’s on Walden ain’t bad and I can’t
recall having a bad time at Jack Astor’s in the Galleria,
(local mall culture is a vast and limitless topic and deserves
an article all its own).
Local
Favorites
Other local attractions include shopping at the local Wal-Mart
(if you think Wal-Mart in general is depressing, you have
got to see this), that crazy deer lady in Stiglemeier Park,
(seriously, she wears a hoody and sun glasses to remain inconspicuous
due to court orders and legal constraints , shit it worked
for Unabomber superstar Ted Kazinski, why not?), and even
more drinking!
Last but not least, no trip to the east of Buffalo would be
complete without a visit to the Mecca of white trash bartering,
the Walden Avenue Super Flea! Here, the dregs of humanity
make weekly pilgrimage to purchase bootleg merchandise, velvet
paintings of wolves, eagles, and unicorns, dollar store rejects,
ergonomic fly swatters, and to eat food that smells like burnt
hair.
LEGEND
(OUT OF 5 STARS)
Filth
factor 
Delayed police response time
Drunken asshole factor
Hostile locals
Stuck up bitches with crayola hilights in their hair
Possibility of becoming Ned Beatty in “ Deliverance”
Aromatic quality similar to Niagara Falls
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