Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend

Oct 5 - Oct 19, 2005
Issue #85

  ..Buffalo's Best Fiend
Bursting the Bennett Bubble
Count me out on this one
Allan Uthman

Post-Katrina, Pre-kaboom?
The Nukes are Loose
Russ Wellen

Tenet & the Bare Necessities
Touch the CIA Director
A Monkey
Fristing America
In Search of the Senator's Rolex
Ian Murphy
Life, Liberty & the Pursuit of Gasoline
Kit Smith
Bush Declares War on Hurricanes
"It's time to fight back"
Luke Allein
Ask a Janjaweed Militiaman
Genocidal social advice
How to Wipe Your Ass With Buffalo Current
New paper finds its niche

Visitor's Gude to  Buffalo--Cheektowaga
Tom Maccio

Buffalo in Briefs
Wide Right
Bills Football
Ronnie Roscoe
Kino Korner: Movies
Michael Gildea
Page 3
Separated at Birth?
[sic] - Letters
 Cover Page

Idiot Box
Perry Bible Fellowship
Bob the Angry Flower

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Last Issue: (84)

Bush Declares "War on Hurricanes"
Luke Allein

WASHINGTON - In a bold move by the Bush administration Monday, President Bush declared war on hurricanes. “We’re making the message clear right now the United States will not just sit by anymore and be pushed around by these hurricanes. It’s time to fight back.”

The Gulf coast of the United States has been ravaged by hurricanes in the last 2 months, most notably by the devastating Katrina that ravaged New Orleans in September. Florida has been hit hard as well in the last few years, and now hurricane Rita has caused major damage in Texas, Bush’s home state.

 “By declaring war on hurricanes, the United States is dealing with this threat in some kind of official capacity. There’s a war on drugs, a war on terrorism, and I think it would be very irresponsible of us to not declare war on these freedom-hating hurricanes,” said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. When asked exactly what the administration planned to do to counter the threat, a reporter was told to “shut his ass” by Rumsfeld.

General Tommy Franks elaborated on the President’s plans by laying out a clear strategy for dealing with the threat. “The President came up with the idea of firing US soldiers into the storm clouds via an enormous catapult, apparently inspired by a scene from Robin Hood with Kevin Costner. The soldiers will fly into the clouds with various weapons, such as knives and firearms, which will be used to slash the clouds or wound them with small arms fire.” A defiant George Bush stepped back onto the podium and said “Hurricanes? Bring ‘em on.”

 Some critics find fault with the Bush administration’s plans. Anne Rusinek is mother to US infantryman Chris Rusinek, one of the first to be selected in the assault on the hurricanes. “I just don’t see how firing my son 40,000 feet into the sub stratosphere with a knife is going to abate these terrible storms. It makes me sad that my son may not come home, but I have to have faith in my president. They’re trying to do the right thing.” More outspoken critics, such as Prof. Jeff Wimbledon of the National Weather Research Institute had harsher words. “This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Even the most uneducated person is aware that clouds are not living things, and launching human beings into them with small arms will have absolutely no effect. It’s ludicrous.” The interview was cut short when two large men in suits came into the room, subdued Wimbledon and summarily carried him away in a large canvas bag.

“I understand the critics, I really do,” said Bush. “I think about them all the time, every day. But something has got to be done and it may require a sacrifice from the American people.” Insiders hinted launching the infantry into the clouds would only be the first phase of the attack. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one military aide said he has heard of plans to use military aircraft such as F-16s to actually fly through the clouds and fire or drop bombs into them. When asked about the possibility of civilian casualties due to dropping bombs, the aide said, “They’re still working on that one.”

The first wave of the assault is due to be launched next week, unless, as a source close to the White House puts it, “someone can convince George of how retarded the whole thing is.” In advance of the assault, Karl Rove is said to be putting together a damage control PR initiative, which will be complete as soon as he can figure out who to blame for the anticipated casualties.

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