Ask A Janjaweed Militiaman
Dear
Janjaweed Militiaman,
Two months ago I lent my next door neighbor a pair of hedge
trimmers and a step ladder. Now he brushes me off and refuses
to give them back. When I ask him he says he will give them
back after he trims his hedges. I have been asking him for
a month now! His shrubs are an embarrassment to the neighborhood
and his disrespect for my property is downright rude. I don’t
want to involve the authorities, but I really want my things
back. What should I do?
-Taken advantage of in Toronto
Dear
Taken,
I will be the first to admit that getting along with our neighbors
is risky business, whether it is shoddy landscaping that will
lower property values, they have borrowed something of yours,
or you have been commissioned by your federal government to
annihilate the indigenous population. I agree the authorities
need not get involved, but you must take action if you want
your things back! First, armed with machete, mount your fastest
camel, run your inconsiderate neighbor down and fell him with
one downward slash to the throat/chest area. Second, murder
all of his children and rape his wife in order to spread your
seed and demoralize her relatives, thus gaining complete ethnic
domination of your neighborhood. On the other hand, the threat
of a small claims court action might be enough to make your
neighbor act. Whichever should work.
Dear Janjaweed Militiaman,
My wife has been pushing for us to go on a fall camping trip.
I finally caved, but now I find out her sister’s entire
family is going too. I like camping but I hate my wife’s
sister, my brother-in-law and their bratty teen! I already
took off of work but I am dreading this trip. I don’t
think it is fair for my wife to spring this on me; I feel
robbed of my vacation. How can I get out of it?
-Feelin’ Robbed in Rochester
Dear
Robbed,
You are right, it was unfair for your wife not to have told
you about the in-laws before you agreed to the trip. But rather
than back out and cause more marital friction, I suggest you
go and try to enjoy yourself. Remember what fun toasting marshmallows
and singing camp fire songs can be? If your in-laws are still
too much to bear, wait for them to stray from the camp to
collect firewood or food, and murder them one by one with
a standard issue AK-47. Good luck!
Dear Janjaweed Militiaman,
I take the bus to work, and am forced to walk the half mile
from the stop. On rainy days I wear an extra long coat and
when I go up the office stairs I feel like I am going to trip
and make a fool of myself. I also feel awkward hoisting my
coat and skirt up with my hands. Is there a proper way to
handle long coats or dresses while using stairs?
- Awkward in Akron
Dear
Awkward,
It is perfectly within proper etiquette to use your hands
in a situation like that. Simply tuck whatever you may be
carrying under your arms or in your pockets, dangle your umbrella
from your belt, grasp your coat’s fabric with both hands
at the knees and lift up to your mid-thigh. This maneuver
will save you some embarrassment, and if done smoothly can
be quiet elegant.
Hey Janjaweed Militia Man,
So are you guys still murdering Sudanese refugees? What’s
up with that?
-Just Wondering in Washington
Dear
Wondering,
Yup, still going strong! I am afraid, if things keep going
like this, we may run out of people to kill! Thanks for asking.
Dear Janjaweed Militiaman,
I recently bought a ’95 Cadillac DeVille from a coworker.
He assured me it was “cherry” and I was getting
a good deal. Now it takes forever to start and it makes this
clicking sound when I turn the key. What is wrong with my
car, and how do I confront this coworker about selling me
a hunk of junk?
-Sold a Lemon in Lancaster
Dear
Sold a Lemon,
To answer your second question first and your first question
second, it sounds like your coworker is an inferior infidel,
living on oil rich land. Burn his entire village and murder
his livestock. Once relocated in a refugee camp, your coworker’s
land can be drilled by Chinese and Canadian oil companies.
The profits will go to the nation’s rulers who pay you,
so you can keep perpetrating your genocide, thus getting to
more oil rich lands. Think of it as a happy circle! Oh, and
it sounds like your starter is shot.
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