THE BEAST PAGE 3
WEDGE ISSUE

Name: Gay Rights

Turn-ons: The sanctity of marriage, being referred to as a ‘key issue’ in the media, blinding homophobic hay-seeds to the executive branch’s craven push for totalitarianism, eroding civil liberties, torture, Dick Cheney’s new bionic knees and everything fabulous!

Turn-offs: Legislating from the bench, fags, critical thinking, due process under the law, taking a backseat to that bitch Roe, a strong judiciary, the commerce clause and Hot Pockets (yuck!).

How I got to be The BEAST Page 3 Wedge Issue: Well I’ve been around for a while now but I only get into the publicity side of things when you can’t count on people being apathetic about real issues. Like right now I am totally booked! They’ve got me doing newspaper bits, radio spots, late night talk shows; you name it, and all to run interference for this Miers broad (by the way, Harriet—time for a makeover, sister, and I am talking extreme). I’m just out there shaking my money maker and loving it honey!

Future plans: To become the most ironic wedge issue of all time. The way I see it, if people keep staring at me prancing around all feminine and threatening like, they won’t even notice that they have been herded up and thrown into jail indefinitely with no legal recourse and, better yet, with no sexual recourse but homosexuality. It’s a win-win situation!

How I’d like to be remembered: As a bright, sparkly rainbow that shot across America’s poop deck and spread freedom to the world’s most powerful people.