Libra
(Sept 23 –Oct 22)
Libra,
you are a short guy and simply need to accept it. Currently
you are overcompensating for your genetic issue with the
shaved head, gold chains and gold-trimmed SUV. I just want
an ice cream cone, but instead I have to stand high above
you looking down at your ugly head, trying to ignore the
smell of that twelve-dollar cologne you bought in the pharmacy
section of the supermarket. Stop being such a dicksmack
and accept your place. Which is apparently at counter level.
Scorpio
(Oct 23-Nov 21)
Hi
Scorpio, or should I just call you the old and unpleasant
woman at the pharmacy on Colvin and Sheridan. What managerial
fool felt you were suited for customer service? Not only
do you have the bedside manner of a wendigo, you treat everyone
like shit and they all talk about how much they hate you
while waiting in line for their medicine. I just wanted
to let you know how much people hate you.
Sagittarius
(Nov 22 – Dec 21)
There
are ugly women, Sagittarius, and then there is your girlfriend.
Looking at her is like staring at one of those red swollen
baboon asses at the zoo, but covered in warts and full of
jagged teeth. I sure hope she is rich (really, really, really
rich) or something because not even love is that blind.
Capricorn
(Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Sharks
are cool, Capricorn.
Aquarius
(Jan 20-Feb 18)
Aquarius,
I know you have been trying, but you need to understand
that there is simply no graceful way to eat a powdered jelly
donut. It will always leave its mark.
Pisces
(Feb 19-March 20)
Pisces,
you should be ashamed of yourself for writing for a piece
of shit like Current. What exactly was going through
your head when you were writing the history of Wegmans?
Was it, “this is valuable information that hip people not
only need but want?” Jesus, why not just get it over with,
start drinking Metamucil and move to a retirement community
in Florida. Hip? Fresh? Jesus H. Christ! Pisces, you are
such a disappointment.
Aries
(March 21-April 19)
There
are a great many truths we must accept in this world, Aries,
and one of them is that some problems can only be solved
with mace.
Taurus
(April 20-May 20)
Taurus,
do not be ashamed for listening to Prince while at work.
Just because that douchebag snuck up behind you to see what
you were grooving to is no reason to be ashamed. Prince
is awesome and you and I both know it. However, if it makes
you feel better, Mr. Music Critic goes home and masturbates
to a Matchbox 20 album. I need say nothing more.
Gemini
(May 21 –June 20)
Gemini,
I don’t know about you but I am so tired of seeing the all-knowing
and pleasant retail and fast food clerks in commercials.
No one that makes minimum wage is that happy or insightful
in life or business. Show me some angry guy in his early
twenties who doesn’t really give a shit about what videos
I buy or what artery clogging value meal I foolishly eat,
because that is our reality.
Cancer
(June 21-July 22)
Cancer,
I know you feel bad about it but those of us who are honest
understand your plight. It is just really hard not to stare
at retards when you see them in public.
Leo
(July 23-Aug. 22)
Leo,
don’t you let those bastards at the credit card company
make you feel bad for not paying your bill. Who is realty
the idiot here? You, the twenty-year-old who maxed out her
$2,500 credit limit, or the company that gave a twenty-year-old
a $2,500 credit limit? Seems pretty obvious to me.
Virgo
(Aug 23-Sept 22)
Listen
Virgo; you need to stop being such a pathetic primate when
you use the public bathroom at the Sunoco on Payne Avenue
in North Tonawanda. It’s bad enough you leave a shit stain
on the toilet seat but picking your nose and wiping the
boogers on the walls is just being an asshole. Not only
do you make life hell for those poor underpaid bastards
that have to clean up your mess, you cause the bathroom
to become unusable for anyone needing an emergency pit stop.
Stop being such a dirty scumbag and stop using public bathrooms
so often.
