Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend

Oct 5 - Oct 19, 2005
Issue #85

  .Buffalo's Best Fiend
Bursting the Bennett Bubble
Count me out on this one
Allan Uthman

Post-Katrina, Pre-kaboom?
The Nukes are Loose
Russ Wellen

Tenet & the Bare Necessities
Touch the CIA Director
A Monkey
Fristing America
In Search of the Senator's Rolex
Ian Murphy
Life, Liberty & the Pursuit of Gasoline
Kit Smith
Bush Declares War on Hurricanes
"It's time to fight back"
Luke Allein
Ask a Janjaweed Militiaman
Genocidal social advice
How to Wipe Your Ass With Buffalo Current
New paper finds its niche

Visitor's Gude to  Buffalo--Cheektowaga
Tom Maccio

Buffalo in Briefs
Wide Right
Bills Football
Ronnie Roscoe
Kino Korner: Movies
Michael Gildea
Page 3
Separated at Birth?
[sic] - Letters
 Cover Page

Idiot Box
Perry Bible Fellowship
Bob the Angry Flower

(right-click & "save target")


Last Issue: (84)

Beast-O-Scopes by Andrew Gullerstein

Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)

Libra, you are a short guy and simply need to accept it. Currently you are overcompensating for your genetic issue with the shaved head, gold chains and gold-trimmed SUV. I just want an ice cream cone, but instead I have to stand high above you looking down at your ugly head, trying to ignore the smell of that twelve-dollar cologne you bought in the pharmacy section of the supermarket. Stop being such a dicksmack and accept your place. Which is apparently at counter level.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Hi Scorpio, or should I just call you the old and unpleasant woman at the pharmacy on Colvin and Sheridan. What managerial fool felt you were suited for customer service? Not only do you have the bedside manner of a wendigo, you treat everyone like shit and they all talk about how much they hate you while waiting in line for their medicine. I just wanted to let you know how much people hate you.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

There are ugly women, Sagittarius, and then there is your girlfriend. Looking at her is like staring at one of those red swollen baboon asses at the zoo, but covered in warts and full of jagged teeth. I sure hope she is rich (really, really, really rich) or something because not even love is that blind.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Sharks are cool, Capricorn.


Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aquarius, I know you have been trying, but you need to understand that there is simply no graceful way to eat a powdered jelly donut. It will always leave its mark.


Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Pisces, you should be ashamed of yourself for writing for a piece of shit like Current. What exactly was going through your head when you were writing the history of Wegmans? Was it, ďthis is valuable information that hip people not only need but want?Ē Jesus, why not just get it over with, start drinking Metamucil and move to a retirement community in Florida. Hip? Fresh? Jesus H. Christ! Pisces, you are such a disappointment.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

There are a great many truths we must accept in this world, Aries, and one of them is that some problems can only be solved with mace.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, do not be ashamed for listening to Prince while at work. Just because that douchebag snuck up behind you to see what you were grooving to is no reason to be ashamed. Prince is awesome and you and I both know it. However, if it makes you feel better, Mr. Music Critic goes home and masturbates to a Matchbox 20 album. I need say nothing more.

Gemini (May 21 –June 20)

Gemini, I donít know about you but I am so tired of seeing the all-knowing and pleasant retail and fast food clerks in commercials. No one that makes minimum wage is that happy or insightful in life or business. Show me some angry guy in his early twenties who doesnít really give a shit about what videos I buy or what artery clogging value meal I foolishly eat, because that is our reality.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Cancer, I know you feel bad about it but those of us who are honest understand your plight. It is just really hard not to stare at retards when you see them in public.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo, donít you let those bastards at the credit card company make you feel bad for not paying your bill. Who is realty the idiot here? You, the twenty-year-old who maxed out her $2,500 credit limit, or the company that gave a twenty-year-old a $2,500 credit limit? Seems pretty obvious to me.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Listen Virgo; you need to stop being such a pathetic primate when you use the public bathroom at the Sunoco on Payne Avenue in North Tonawanda. Itís bad enough you leave a shit stain on the toilet seat but picking your nose and wiping the boogers on the walls is just being an asshole. Not only do you make life hell for those poor underpaid bastards that have to clean up your mess, you cause the bathroom to become unusable for anyone needing an emergency pit stop. Stop being such a dirty scumbag and stop using public bathrooms so often.

© Copyright 2002-2005, The Beast. All rights reserved.