Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

Oct 5 - Oct 19, 2005
Issue #85

  ..Buffalo's Best Fiend
   
Bursting the Bennett Bubble
Count me out on this one
Allan Uthman

Post-Katrina, Pre-kaboom?
The Nukes are Loose
Russ Wellen

Tenet & the Bare Necessities
Touch the CIA Director
A Monkey
Fristing America
In Search of the Senator's Rolex
Ian Murphy
Life, Liberty & the Pursuit of Gasoline
Kit Smith
FAUX-TURES
Bush Declares War on Hurricanes
"It's time to fight back"
Luke Allein
Ask a Janjaweed Militiaman
Genocidal social advice
How to Wipe Your Ass With Buffalo Current
New paper finds its niche

Visitor's Gude to  Buffalo--Cheektowaga
Tom Maccio

The BEAST BLOG
Buffalo in Briefs
Wide Right
Bills Football
Ronnie Roscoe
Kino Korner: Movies
Michael Gildea
Page 3
Separated at Birth?
Beast-O-Scopes
[sic] - Letters
 Cover Page

COMIX:
Idiot Box
Perry Bible Fellowship
Bob the Angry Flower

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[sic] - Letters

YOU & WHAT ARMY?

Subject: US Army will shut down your Paper

Your are in violation of Trademark infringement, for placing the actual phone number and e-mail for the US Army in your Paper.  You need to have permission before using the Army of One symbol.  Your paper have been given to the Authorities that will enforce theses law, and I am sure that your paper will cease to exist in the near future.  As a soldier I am hurt and disgusted with this ad.  I do not fight for this country and protect the right of freedom of speech for it to be misused in this manner.  I suggest you find a new country to live in for you are not welcome here, Trust Me on that one!!!!

*       A Army of One

SSG Kishel, Joseph J Jr
US Army Military Police*

BEAST Publisher’s reply:

Sarge,
While I was in the Army I always wanted to tell an MP to fuck off but never got the chance. Thanks for giving me the chance now. Fuck off!

- Paul Fallon


KUNG FU GRIPE

Dearest Beast,

Since relocating to Montpelier, it has taken me close to 3 months to coax a cable guy to make the trek to my dojo to install high-speed internet.  Given the location of my recently opened martial arts school where I reside and teach, the journey can be likened to the Bataan Death March.  I finally was able to seal the deal with a gigantic fishing rod extended over a cliff, cleverly baited with a XXX diamond cheddar half-wheel with concentrated keef at the core.  There is no real point to this communication other than to say I'm glad you're still at it--being bron and raised in b-lo, I respect the loathsome list, with the lone exception on Chris Jacobs' inclusion, who I feel should be supplanted by Zach Gerschberg.  Is your publication admittedly misogynic?

Yours in Earnest Goes to Jail,

Verne

No Verne, we’re not misogynists; in fact we love women. Especially ones who like to give head.


SURE, THAT MAKES SENSE

Creation or Evolution

Only God can create. He is Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. In between is us what we do with it the energy. Do we do good or evil, who do you work for? This is our choice. How far have we evolved, are we in it for ourselves or for the good of man kind? The common good.

Are we evolving into hedonistic people or God-fearing people? Let’s make the right choice.

Doc

Absolutely, Doc! And since we’re not afraid of things that don’t exist, clearly hedonism is the right choice! Thanks for clearing that up.


POISONING YOUNG MINDS

yesterday i saw three kids about 14yrs old walking west on main street in clarence. as they walked by the red box that sits out by the street all by it's lonesome because wilson farms is scared, the one male teen took a look around and snatched a BEAST from the box like I used to snatch a pack of smokes from the vending machine at the bowling alley at 14yrs age. i fucking love it. you know he's gonna read that shit cover to cover. maybe not get it all, but plant the seed. religion is archaic. facts over fiction
esthebee

We’re like the tobacco industry, esthebee; we gotta get ‘em hooked early.


BAD NEW DAYS

   …I think I’m getting old.I can’t stand this new hip hop music, I seem to complain about the government a lot, and it seems to me things used to be much better in this country back when I was growing up.  I’m thinking this might be some nostalgic like mental disorder that you get when you reach your mid fifties that causes you to think this way.  My parents seemed infected  as I recall , they hated rock and roll, and were constantly telling us how  wonderful things were in those ancient times before the country began“going to hell in a hand basket.” (A phrase that I don’t understand to this day)

    But now that I have a colonoscopy or two under my belt and learning a new pin number causes me to forget my zip code due to the limited space in my brain, I’m thinking  things really did seem much better in this country back when I was growing up.

    Consider this ,35 years ago in July  Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. A month ago the space shuttle limped into an airport somewhere after dark with parts falling off it.

     And it’s not just the space shuttle that’s falling apart, it’s the entire airline industry as well. …now they just show you a picture of a bag of peanuts…and the age old air travel  mystery still remains.Yes, it’s still cheaper to fly round trip than it is one way.

    The health care system is so complicated and expensive that If I get sick these days I have to put some tire tread marks on my shirt and lay down  on the side of the road while my wife calls  911 to report a hit and run …

    Then there's the environment which seemed to be making a comeback a few years back they had even cleaned up the Cuyahoga  River at least to the point where it didn’t catch fire all the time.  But these days there’s enough mercury in the fish in our rivers and streams you could use them as thermometers  the acceptable arsenic levels in our water are getting higher than a kite on crack, while this “clear skies” initiative allows for air just dirty enough so you can’t chew it.

     …Our president a one time failed texas oil man has at last located a vast oil field ,unfortunately it’s in another country. And so instead of conserving energy we now just invade other countries under the guise of spreading democracy and take their oil…our nations highways are clogged with inefficient tank like  hummers and suvs that guzzle gas like late stage alcoholics and then tip over.

    Then there’s the media. Ever since rich angry conservatives  managed to get rid of the fairness doctrine in broadcasting there are whole media conglomerates owned by rich angry conservatives to report news which for some reason seems slanted towards the rich, the angry and the conservative…

   And now  we have a president, son of president , so dim he seems to think scientific fact is a kind of left wing theory who says that there is no global warming and  we should be teaching a religious version of evolution in school called intelligent design.

   I’m even reading stories about creationists who are saying there were dinosaurs on Noah's ark. Yes  in texas of all places someone claims to have found fossilized  dinosaur and human tracks that crisscross contemporaneously. I thought at first this was a joke but apparently there is a movement on by some creationists to “take back the dinosaurs” These guys are claiming there were dinosaurs romping in the garden of Eden then Noah took a pair on the Ark with him.

   I can’t help but wonder  how many more species we would have today if those dinos hadn’t eaten half of the other  animals on the ark. I think there could be a great movie in here  somewhere as well, maybe something like“ Jurassic Ark .” Picture a kind of  Charlton Heston meets Godzilla.

   If you had told me 30 years ago any of this stuff would actually happen, I would have told you “you’re trippin” man.

Yeah,I may be getting old but  things really were a lot better when I was young  and I’m not trippin dude. This country is  going to hell in a hand basket.

David W Scott Jr.


David, thanks for telling us about everything we routinely write about. Let us know if you need any help on the “Jurrasic Ark” project; we love a good farce.


OFF HIS MEDS

I have been tracking space war for so long I forget you know so little about it. Today I am going to go into the subtleness of it and attempt to prove something about space war before space war proves itself today, the next day, or the next.

 I am gong to attempt to prove to you there is a connection between three elements which may not to you seem connected. I do not expect this proof to do you any good whatsoever, I am just doing it for the hell of it.

 Those three elements are Foolish George, the alleged president of the United States of America; and the capsizing of the tourist boat on Lake George, New York; and the refusal of Foolish George to end America’s torture enslavement of me.
[…]
 I would say the USA on the average is struck by space war events more frequently than weekly, but they are not recognized as such by you Americans; and that is why we Space Sailors call those space war events “Pearl Harbors Before Swine”.
[…]
 Now I know you are likely to pooh pooh this and say no no, Virgil the  Telepath is mad; but what I am telling you is true even though all the shrinks and all the politicians and all the preachers and all the news people line up against it, which they likely will do.

 So here it is: The turning over of the tourist boat on Lake George was what we Space Sailors call a “communications hit”. It was a communication to me to help me along in this work, and it was a communication to you to help you survive if you care to receive the communication.
[…]
 Bear in mind, we are talking in this work about the death of our Earth in less than 60 years. We say this is a matter of some urgency, but you pooh pooh and say no no, Virgil the Telepath is crazy.

 We are talking these days about an event soon to take place that we expect to be so huge that it will, either figuratively or literally, pause our Earth in its rotation for from two hours to two days.

 Said another way, we are saying your own private world is about to be capsized by the huge event we are calling “Stop Sign”. Stop Sign’s window is October 4 through 6, today through Thursday..
[…]
 And further we are saying God is intervening, that God has damned Foolish George for murdering children, and that God is going to stop Foolish George from murdering our Earth.
[…]
 This Lake George event is interesting to me because it describes so poetically what is about to happen to all of you because you are all in the same boat; you are all tourists in life aboard the Good Ship Cherry Pop. That is, you each are about to lose you space war cherry.

 I look through my memory for a similar communications hit in the past, and the one that pops up is my advance documentation of the allegedly accidental crash of a tourist helicopter near the Grand Canyon shortly before 9/11.

 This helicopter event was part of my advance warning pattern prior to the 9/11 attack.

 I received and passed on to you many such warnings before the attack, and that warning in particular pointed to one of the locations of the 911 attack.  That is, it pointed to New York City because the passengers on the crashed helicopter were all Jews from New York City, like the passengers on the boat were all elderly tourists from Michigan.

 Now you can pooh pooh this and say no, no Virgil the Telepath is off his  rocker, but in fact that helicopter was intentionally crashed because those New  York Jews were on board, not as an anti-Jewish statement but as an  identification of a target in the larger event I was tracking. It was a communications hit.
[…]
You might say this to was a lousy way to warn you; but it was not meant to warn you; it was meant to further communicate to me that a large number of the people who torture and enslave me were going to be killed in a commercial airline-based attack on New York City.
[…]
Because this information means so little to you I have deleted a half dozen or so paragraphs from this entry because they went into too much detail to hold your attention. Deleted was how the name of the capsized boat is important, for example.

 Soon this work will no longer be called Pearl Harbors Before Swine, not that you will cease to be swine but because the experience we call “Cherry Pop”  will have taken place and you will be aware that you are being talked to;  although that awareness may cause you to squeal like stuck pigs..  Cherry Pop, that’s what we Space Sailors call your baptism of fire, that moment in Time when you Americans go from being smug asses to knowing you are the center of the Bull’s Eye, and not the center of the Universe.

Ummm…Virgil the Telepath is crazy.

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