Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

Oct 19 - Nov 2, 2005
Issue #86

  ..Buffalo's Best Fiend
   
Grand Perjury
A Miller's Tale
Allan Uthman

Disrobed
Are Female Genitals Enough to Qualify for the Supreme Court?
Paul jones

Getty Some
Hot Movement Action
A Monkey
Jurassic Dork
Michael Crichton's Science Fiction
Kit Smith
Harold Who?
Ode to Pinter in 1 Act

Alexander Zaitchik

Theatre of War
Inside the Psy-Ops Studio
Matt Bors

Drown Together
On Katrina & Disaster Fatigue
Jeff Dean
FAUX-TURES
After terror threats, New York begins efforts to clean shit out of pants
Clayton Byrd
An Open Letter to Jessica Alba
Irresponsible Mayoral Speculation:
What do Bflo's candidates have to do to win/lose?

Shop for Porn Like a Pro!
Hyman Bender

BOOKS
The Assassin’s Gate
America in Iraq
by George Packer
Review by John Freeman
The Big Wedding
9/11, the Whistle-Blowers and the Cover-Up
by Sander Hicks
Review by Russ Wellen
LOCAL
Buffalo Soldiers
Hutch Tech's New Program: Forcible Constcription
Allan Uthman
Another Corporate Psycopath
The Barnacle at Delphi
Chuck Richardson

The BEAST Blog
Irresponsible vitriol on a near-daily basis

[sic] - Letters
Wide Right
Bills Football & other sports
Ronnie Roscoe
Kino Korner: Movies
Michael Gildea
Page 3
Separated at Birth?
Beast-O-Scopes
 
 Cover Page

COMIX:
Idiot Box
Perry Bible Fellowship
Bob the Angry Flower

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Last Issue: (85)

Theatre of War
Inside the Psy-Ops Studio
Matt Bors

James Lipton: Welcome to ďInside The Actors Studio.Ē Iím James Lipton.

(Applause)

JL: Tonight, a very special special treat. We all saw her performance last week during the teleconference with President Bush. Normally, she works as a spokesperson for the military, but on this particular day she was playing a grunt. A regular old soldier pulled away from building a pre-school in Iraq for a few moments to chat with the President. Her performance? Stunning. Her answers were delivered with the kind of natural grace that we havenít seen since Kathryn Hepburn in The Lion in Winter. It was on par with some of the best female performances of all time. Meryl Streep comes to mind. Ladies and gentlemen, join me in welcoming Corine Lombardo.

(Applause)

Corine Lombardo: Thanks James. Itís great to finally be recognized for my acting after working in the shadows, so to speak.

JL: The teleconference was billed as a live chat with the troops. There were only a few there. How did you get chosen?

CL: I have contacts in the industry, but also it was simple supply and demand. Only a few soldiers were available for this. Everyone else was busy or too demoralized for this kind of acting. It was all scripted, but they were still amateurs. They wanted at least one professional in there to elevate it to art.

JL: It may never live up to ďMission Accomplished,Ē but I think it will be remembered as a classic. Is it difficult telling such bald faced lies to the American people about the progress in Iraq?

CL: Itís hard not to laugh, but you just have to get in character and go with it. You ask yourself, ďwhat is my motivation?Ē and you go from there. In his case, my motivation is tricking America into buying into this war and to forget about all the blunders of this Administration. Iíll leave it up to the audience as to whether or not I succeeded.

JL: Oh, you did. It was moving, frankly. Letís go for a moment back to what I think is my favorite scene. You say to the President:

ďWeíve been working side-by-side, training and equipping 18 Iraqi army battalions. Since we began our partnership, they have improved greatly, and they continue to develop and grow into sustainable forces. Over the next month, we anticipate seeing at least one-third of those Iraqi forces conducting independent operations.Ē

When I first heard that it took my breath away. I mean, to honestly suggest that will happen in thirty days is totally absurd. And yet you deliver the line with such conviction. How did you prepare for this role?

CL: I worked a lot with Allison Barber, the Deputy Assistant Defense Secretary. We went over the script very thoroughly and I voiced a few concerns. I didnít think it was upbeat enough. Itís in my contract that I get final say over my lines so we went back and reworked some things.

JL: So, do you stick strictly to the script or do you like to improvise?

CL: Well, improvising can be all right, but only if you know the material inside and out. We had been rehearsing all morning, so I knew the script well, but when we started shooting Bush went off script by asking me if I was in New York after 9/11. We were playing off each other very well. When he said I looked familiar, thatís when I realized he really didnít know who I was, that I was an actor.

JL: You mean to tell me, he thought you were just another soldier too?

CL: Yeah! I thought heíd be in on the ruse, but I guess he acts more natural if he doesnít know. So I take a little pride in, you know, fooling him.

JL: Wow! Thatís amazing Ė your performance was so authentic that our Commander in Chief was fooled. Sublime.

(Applause)

JL: Some of the greats have commented on how magic can happen when improvising with another actor of equal caliber. Who in the industry would you most like to work with?

CL: Definitely Karl Rove. Heís such an innovative director. I donít get to see him as I coordinate with the Department of Defense. That would be a dream job though. I grew up with a poster of him on my ceiling. Heís still at the top of his game with this New Orleans stuff. Bush goes down there and all these people are banging on walls with hammers and stuff. Brilliant.

JL: Sadly, he may be retiring early. There is something we do at the end of each show. I have my guests answer a questionnaire inspired by the great Bernard Pivot, of Apostrophes and Bouillon de culture.

CL: I suspect it is not too good, being of French origin, but Iíll do it.

JL: Okay. What is your favorite word?

CL: Freedom. Itís on the march.

JL: What is your least favorite word?

CL: Shiite. I mean, you have no idea how hard it is to say that word on camera without cracking up!

(Laughter)

JL: Indeed. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

CL: The president turns me on creatively. Everything he does is so well scripted, itís amazing. Heís getting too good. He did the whole teleconference without a transmitter. And of course, the Lord our Savior is my spiritual and emotional anchor. God Bless America.

JL: What turns you off?

CL: People who canít see that Iím a part of something bigger than myself.

JL: What is your favorite curse word?

CL: Dang.

JL: What sound or noise do you love?

CL: The National Anthem!

JL: What sound or noise do you hate?

CL: The feedback of an earpiece.

JL: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

CL: Iíd like to do something in the torture world; human pyramid stacking, pissing on Korans, or whatever. Itís really booming now and itís time to get in on that.

JL: What profession would you not like to do?

CL: Hmmm...nightly patrol in Iraq wouldnít be too fun!

JL: And finally, if Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

CL: I hope Iíd have to show a valid American ID to get in. And Iíd love for him to say ďThanks for helping so many boys and girls reach me so quickly.Ē

JL: Ladies and gentlemen, Corine Lombardo.

(Applause)

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