Open Letter to Jessica Alba
send to you this open correspondence with purest intentions,
in the hopes it will find you better than the letter I last
sent you attached to the string of a helium balloon that
I prayed would find its mark. I can only reason that, since
I have not heard back from you by now, the fated balloon
was downed by enemy fire.
wasn’t two weeks ago, sitting in the theatre relishing in
your masterful performance in Into the Blue, when
I was faced with the tragic and unbearable reality that
a real woman like yourself would never go out with a mere
child like I. Surely I thought, every man in Hollywood must
be banging down the door of this woman, this vision, this
Goddess! This painful epiphany, however, feels to have occurred
eons ago, for now, as my recitation of the Haftarah confirms,
my dear, sweet Jessica, I am officially a man according
to Jewish law and in the eyes of God.
Saturday, as my Bar Mitzvah was drawing to an end and the
caterers where disposing of half eaten hors d’ouvres, my
uncle Morty took me aside, slapped a c-note in the palm
of my hand, gave me a wink and said now that I am a bona
fide man, I am going to need a real woman to satisfy my
manly urges. Who else could I turn to but you? The brace-faced,
pubescent little girls from school? I think not! You are
that real woman, my one true hope, my objet d’affection,
my “dark angel,” if you will.
hard to believe from my picture that a measly fortnight
past I was a child, doing childish things and thinking childish
thoughts. Now past the threshold of manhood, my sights are
set on the business of masculine endeavors, fixing cars,
pumping iron, shaving the beard that should arrive any day
now, and wooing the most divine woman to have ever graced
the pages of Maxim.
as you impeccably played Sue Storm of The Fantastic Four,
I entreat you to play the part you were born to play,
Jessica Alba of the “Fantastic Two.” This dynamic duo will
consist of you and I, and the super powers we will enjoy
will be the power of love, as once described so masterfully
by Huey Lewis and the News. As a relationship is a big step
for anyone and should not be entered into lightly, I implore
you to look upon my picture and see your destiny alive in
way I see it, you can come live with me at my parent’s house
until I’m done with school. I have already consulted my
mother and father about this arrangement and they have agreed
to it, contingent on your conversion to Judaism, of course.
I hope leaving the goyim won’t be a problem for you. Also
we will have to go to bed at 10pm, as this is my bed time.
room is in the basement, away from my pestering sisters,
where we could have our privacy. I have a spare futon if
you insist on playing coy while we are getting to know each
other. When I am at school, I suppose you could use my Playstation
or hang out with my mom (she is a really good cook and will
make you whatever you want). After school, you could pick
me up and we could go to the mall together. All my friends
would want to talk to you and touch you, but I would be
all like “back off, that’s my lady.”
once I turn 18, we can be married in a lavish ceremony,
replete with celebrity guests and wall-climbing paparazzi.
Then we can move to your estate in Hollywood, where you
can continue your acting career. Mrs. Jessica Goldstein:
it has a certain ring, no?
hope in my heart of hearts you come across these paragraphs
and consider my offer of eternal, undying love. Please get
back to me as soon as possible, already. I am not trying
to rush you of course, but be warned; though you are my
first choice above all, there are surely to be many gorgeous
shiksas waiting in the wings. After all, I am now a real
man and, as wise uncle Morty said, I need a real woman.