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THE
BEAST PAGE 3
Disaster Gestapo
 Name:
New Orleans Police Department
Turn-ons:
Sovereign immunity, unlit streets, broken taillights,
Stacey Koon, German Shepherds, overcompensating, pretextual
stops, Brownshirts, resisting arrest, extra-judicial killings,
Mark Fuhrman, the “Blue Wall of Silence”, COPS,
steroids, PATRIOT Act, F.W. de Klerk and planted evidence.
Turn-offs:
Cameramen, camcorders, Fourth Amendment/warrants, Gandhi,
defense attorneys, impartial juries, concerned citizens, Frank
Serpico, fair trials/the appeals process, Ice-T, civil rights,
domestic disturbances, ACLU, Sixth Amendment, Abner Louima,
the rest of the Constitution.
How
I got to be The BEAST Page 3 Disaster Gestapo: Katrina
was definitely a pretext for the kind of work we prefer and
excel at. The ensuing chaos reminded us why we got into law
enforcement—Ha! Sorry, excuse me—in the first
place. Thanks to the locals and civilian volunteers rescuing
so many stranded victims, we were able to focus simply on
hectoring them. All you can do is prepare for your moment,
you know? Hitting the gym, jabbing your finger, watching Sudden
Impact, swaggering and behaving peremptorily. Hopefully, you
get lucky and someone mouths off.
Future plans: There’s a lot of competition from
other departments out there and it’s always tough to
get exposure outside hubs of police brutality like Los Angeles
and New York. You can’t help but marvel at some of the
things they’ve done. We’re not really certain
we want to remain in the spotlight anyway; it can get dicey
and we’re not sure we have the stamina for a full-blown
scandal. Ideally we’d like to recede from public view
and return to a quiet life of low-grade harassment, shakedowns
and the occasional rape.
How
I’d like to be remembered: What, are you some kind
of wise-ass? Get lost!
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