Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend

Oct 19 - Nov 2, 2005
Issue #86

  .Buffalo's Best Fiend
Grand Perjury
A Miller's Tale
Allan Uthman

Are Female Genitals Enough to Qualify for the Supreme Court?
Paul jones

Getty Some
Hot Movement Action
A Monkey
Jurassic Dork
Michael Crichton's Science Fiction
Kit Smith
Harold Who?
Ode to Pinter in 1 Act

Alexander Zaitchik

Theatre of War
Inside the Psy-Ops Studio
Matt Bors

Drown Together
On Katrina & Disaster Fatigue
Jeff Dean
After terror threats, New York begins efforts to clean shit out of pants
Clayton Byrd
An Open Letter to Jessica Alba
Irresponsible Mayoral Speculation:
What do Bflo's candidates have to do to win/lose?

Shop for Porn Like a Pro!
Hyman Bender

The Assassin’s Gate
America in Iraq
by George Packer
Review by John Freeman
The Big Wedding
9/11, the Whistle-Blowers and the Cover-Up
by Sander Hicks
Review by Russ Wellen
Buffalo Soldiers
Hutch Tech's New Program: Forcible Conscription
Allan Uthman
Another Corporate Psycopath
The Barnacle at Delphi
Chuck Richardson

The BEAST Blog
Irresponsible vitriol on a near-daily basis

[sic] - Letters
Wide Right
Bills Football & other sports
Ronnie Roscoe
Kino Korner: Movies
Michael Gildea
Page 3
Separated at Birth?
 Cover Page

Idiot Box
Perry Bible Fellowship
Bob the Angry Flower

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Last Issue: (85)

Disaster Gestapo

Name: New Orleans Police Department

Turn-ons: Sovereign immunity, unlit streets, broken taillights, Stacey Koon, German Shepherds, overcompensating, pretextual stops, Brownshirts, resisting arrest, extra-judicial killings, Mark Fuhrman, the “Blue Wall of Silence”, COPS, steroids, PATRIOT Act, F.W. de Klerk and planted evidence.

Turn-offs: Cameramen, camcorders, Fourth Amendment/warrants, Gandhi, defense attorneys, impartial juries, concerned citizens, Frank Serpico, fair trials/the appeals process, Ice-T, civil rights, domestic disturbances, ACLU, Sixth Amendment, Abner Louima, the rest of the Constitution.

How I got to be The BEAST Page 3 Disaster Gestapo: Katrina was definitely a pretext for the kind of work we prefer and excel at. The ensuing chaos reminded us why we got into law enforcement—Ha! Sorry, excuse me—in the first place. Thanks to the locals and civilian volunteers rescuing so many stranded victims, we were able to focus simply on hectoring them. All you can do is prepare for your moment, you know? Hitting the gym, jabbing your finger, watching Sudden Impact, swaggering and behaving peremptorily. Hopefully, you get lucky and someone mouths off.

Future plans: There’s a lot of competition from other departments out there and it’s always tough to get exposure outside hubs of police brutality like Los Angeles and New York. You can’t help but marvel at some of the things they’ve done. We’re not really certain we want to remain in the spotlight anyway; it can get dicey and we’re not sure we have the stamina for a full-blown scandal. Ideally we’d like to recede from public view and return to a quiet life of low-grade harassment, shakedowns and the occasional rape.

How I’d like to be remembered: What, are you some kind of wise-ass? Get lost!

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