Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend

Oct 19 - Nov 2, 2005
Issue #86

  .Buffalo's Best Fiend
Grand Perjury
A Miller's Tale
Allan Uthman

Are Female Genitals Enough to Qualify for the Supreme Court?
Paul jones

Getty Some
Hot Movement Action
A Monkey
Jurassic Dork
Michael Crichton's Science Fiction
Kit Smith
Harold Who?
Ode to Pinter in 1 Act

Alexander Zaitchik

Theatre of War
Inside the Psy-Ops Studio
Matt Bors

Drown Together
On Katrina & Disaster Fatigue
Jeff Dean
After terror threats, New York begins efforts to clean shit out of pants
Clayton Byrd
An Open Letter to Jessica Alba
Irresponsible Mayoral Speculation:
What do Bflo's candidates have to do to win/lose?

Shop for Porn Like a Pro!
Hyman Bender

The Assassin’s Gate
America in Iraq
by George Packer
Review by John Freeman
The Big Wedding
9/11, the Whistle-Blowers and the Cover-Up
by Sander Hicks
Review by Russ Wellen
Buffalo Soldiers
Hutch Tech's New Program: Forcible Conscription
Allan Uthman
Another Corporate Psycopath
The Barnacle at Delphi
Chuck Richardson

The BEAST Blog
Irresponsible vitriol on a near-daily basis

[sic] - Letters
Wide Right
Bills Football & other sports
Ronnie Roscoe
Kino Korner: Movies
Michael Gildea
Page 3
Separated at Birth?
 Cover Page

Idiot Box
Perry Bible Fellowship
Bob the Angry Flower

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Beast-O-Scopes by Andrew Gullerstein

Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)

Libra, I thought you’d want to know that every time your wife’s boss asks how you’re doing, she uses it as an excuse to flirt with him. She talks about how you fight all the time and hints in subtle ways that you’re not satisfying her physically. Then she looks for ways to touch him without being too obvious. This may anger you, Libra, but it should go a long way to assuaging your guilt for thinking of her sister every time you have sex with her, which you have to admit isn’t very often lately.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Hey Scorpio, guess what? Angel hair pasta is actually made from angel hair! God rips it right out of their bleeding, screaming heads! Oh, and happy 5th birthday!

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Sagittarius, you know that story about the origin of the phrase “rule of thumb?” Sure you do—it’s said that in England, in the 16th century, or something like that, you could legally beat your wife as long as the stick or switch you used was no wider than your thumb. Well, the other day, I discovered that story to be totally untrue. That sucks; I really liked that one. Sometimes, you just don’t want to know that you’re wrong about something. Still, you should know that you were born a man.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

I realize you’re not very smart, Capricorn, so I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on you. But for the last time, it’s “all intents and purposes.” There are no such things as “intensive purposes.” What could that possibly mean, anyway? Also, there may be such a thing as a “brass tax,” but it’s not something you “get down to.”

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

I know why the caged bird sings, Aquarius. It’s actually yelling. Furthermore, I know what it is saying: “Let me the hell out of this cage! What kind of twisted asshole are you, anyway?” Let it out or don’t, Aquarius, but don’t indulge in the fantasy that it likes it in there.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Pisces, it’s not something to brag about, you know, that guys buy you shit because you have nice tits, and you’re cool with that. It’s actually fucking pathetic. But then there’s a whole genre of music now devoted to this type of transaction, so who am I to judge you, pea-brain?

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Aries, your uncanny ability to do impressions of your parents can only take you so far in stand-up comedy. It’s not like they’re famous or anything. Think Margaret Cho, or the big pants guy. If you want to draw material from your real life, maybe work on having more of a life.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, have you ever seen the aluminum vending company logo affixed to the top, right hand corner of the office snack and soda machines? Well if you haven’t, the company is called “Loose Ends,” the O’s are bulging cartoon eyes and the d is a dangling noose. I want you to think about that, Taurus.

Gemini (May 21 –June 20)

Gemini, sometimes life gives you lemons. It is your duty to take those lemons and squeeze every last ounce of acidic juice into the eyes of the man who is banging your wife.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

For the last time Cancer, the answer is no (you know what I’m talking about – no not that, the other thing – no not that either – the thing with the…oh forget it, do whatever the hell you want).

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

How does it feel, Leo, to write a feature piece in your region’s only daily that paints a child pornography enthusiast in such a sympathetic light? Did it make you proud to be a journalist? I thought it was really awesome how you stated twice that the images ‘repulsed’ him at first, but he grew addicted to them ‘eventually.’ How the fuck does that work, Leo? I’ve been abusing myself to pornography since I was twelve, just like this sleazebag, but I’ve always been a sucker for secondary sexual characteristics. Sleep well, Leo, in the knowledge that illusions of integrity will no longer impede your career path.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Sorry Virgo, but due to space concerns and deadline pressures you get the short end of the stick, once again. Buy yourself an ice cream.

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