Libra
(Sept 23 –Oct 22)
Libra, I thought you’d want to know that every time
your wife’s boss asks how you’re doing, she
uses it as an excuse to flirt with him. She talks about
how you fight all the time and hints in subtle ways that
you’re not satisfying her physically. Then she looks
for ways to touch him without being too obvious. This may
anger you, Libra, but it should go a long way to assuaging
your guilt for thinking of her sister every time you have
sex with her, which you have to admit isn’t very often
lately.
Scorpio
(Oct 23-Nov 21)
Hey Scorpio, guess what? Angel hair pasta is actually made
from angel hair! God rips it right out of their bleeding,
screaming heads! Oh, and happy 5th birthday!
Sagittarius
(Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Sagittarius, you know that story about the origin of the
phrase “rule of thumb?” Sure you do—it’s
said that in England, in the 16th century, or something
like that, you could legally beat your wife as long as the
stick or switch you used was no wider than your thumb. Well,
the other day, I discovered that story to be totally untrue.
That sucks; I really liked that one. Sometimes, you just
don’t want to know that you’re wrong about something.
Still, you should know that you were born a man.
Capricorn
(Dec 22 – Jan 19)
I realize you’re not very smart, Capricorn, so I
guess I shouldn’t be too hard on you. But for the
last time, it’s “all intents and purposes.”
There are no such things as “intensive purposes.”
What could that possibly mean, anyway? Also, there may be
such a thing as a “brass tax,” but it’s
not something you “get down to.”
Aquarius
(Jan 20-Feb 18)
I know why the caged bird sings, Aquarius. It’s actually
yelling. Furthermore, I know what it is saying: “Let
me the hell out of this cage! What kind of twisted asshole
are you, anyway?” Let it out or don’t, Aquarius,
but don’t indulge in the fantasy that it likes it
in there.
Pisces
(Feb 19-March 20)
Pisces, it’s not something to brag about, you know,
that guys buy you shit because you have nice tits, and you’re
cool with that. It’s actually fucking pathetic. But
then there’s a whole genre of music now devoted to
this type of transaction, so who am I to judge you, pea-brain?
Aries
(March 21-April 19)
Aries, your uncanny ability to do impressions of your parents
can only take you so far in stand-up comedy. It’s
not like they’re famous or anything. Think Margaret
Cho, or the big pants guy. If you want to draw material
from your real life, maybe work on having more of a life.
Taurus
(April 20-May 20)
Taurus, have you ever seen the aluminum vending company
logo affixed to the top, right hand corner of the office
snack and soda machines? Well if you haven’t, the
company is called “Loose Ends,” the O’s
are bulging cartoon eyes and the d is a dangling noose.
I want you to think about that, Taurus.
Gemini
(May 21 –June 20)
Gemini, sometimes life gives you lemons. It is your duty
to take those lemons and squeeze every last ounce of acidic
juice into the eyes of the man who is banging your wife.
Cancer
(June 21-July 22)
For the last time Cancer, the answer is no (you know what
I’m talking about – no not that, the other thing
– no not that either – the thing with the…oh
forget it, do whatever the hell you want).
Leo
(July 23-Aug. 22)
How does it feel, Leo, to write a feature piece in your
region’s only daily that paints a child pornography
enthusiast in such a sympathetic light? Did it make you
proud to be a journalist? I thought it was really awesome
how you stated twice that the images ‘repulsed’
him at first, but he grew addicted to them ‘eventually.’
How the fuck does that work, Leo? I’ve been abusing
myself to pornography since I was twelve, just like this
sleazebag, but I’ve always been a sucker for secondary
sexual characteristics. Sleep well, Leo, in the knowledge
that illusions of integrity will no longer impede your career
path.
Virgo
(Aug 23-Sept 22)
Sorry Virgo, but due to space concerns and deadline pressures
you get the short end of the stick, once again. Buy yourself
an ice cream.
