Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

Oct 19 - Nov 2, 2005
Issue #86

  ..Buffalo's Best Fiend
   
Grand Perjury
A Miller's Tale
Allan Uthman

Disrobed
Are Female Genitals Enough to Qualify for the Supreme Court?
Paul jones

Getty Some
Hot Movement Action
A Monkey
Jurassic Dork
Michael Crichton's Science Fiction
Kit Smith
Harold Who?
Ode to Pinter in 1 Act

Alexander Zaitchik

Theatre of War
Inside the Psy-Ops Studio
Matt Bors

Drown Together
On Katrina & Disaster Fatigue
Jeff Dean
FAUX-TURES
After terror threats, New York begins efforts to clean shit out of pants
Clayton Byrd
An Open Letter to Jessica Alba
Irresponsible Mayoral Speculation:
What do Bflo's candidates have to do to win/lose?

Shop for Porn Like a Pro!
Hyman Bender

BOOKS
The Assassin’s Gate
America in Iraq
by George Packer
Review by John Freeman
The Big Wedding
9/11, the Whistle-Blowers and the Cover-Up
by Sander Hicks
Review by Russ Wellen
LOCAL
Buffalo Soldiers
Hutch Tech's New Program: Forcible Conscription
Allan Uthman
Another Corporate Psycopath
The Barnacle at Delphi
Chuck Richardson

The BEAST Blog
Irresponsible vitriol on a near-daily basis

[sic] - Letters
Wide Right
Bills Football & other sports
Ronnie Roscoe
Kino Korner: Movies
Michael Gildea
Page 3
Separated at Birth?
Beast-O-Scopes
 
 Cover Page

COMIX:
Idiot Box
Perry Bible Fellowship
Bob the Angry Flower

ISSUE #86PDF FILE
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Last Issue: (85)

PAINE-FUL

I had this strange dream last night.

It was during the Revolutionary War, and I was going bowling with Thomas Paine. We were trying on bowling shoes, but there were no shoe sizes on them so we had to keep guessing to find the right ones. I started bitching at him about how primative the place was and he turned to me and said, "These are the times that men try soles". Then he giggled and I woke up.

Pretty weird, huh?

-Marion Delgado

Not weird, Marion, just awful. Just really, really, awful. Bad. Terrible. Gag-inducing. Did we mention what a bad joke this is? This is a bad joke. This joke is really bad. Seriously. Makes Adam Corolla seem funny by comparison. We didn’t want to say that, but you left us no choice. Now go to your room and think about what you’ve done here.


GO TEAM BLUE!

 Allan Uthman, you should get such a huge gold star for your intellectual scruples. The fact is that Bill Bennett is an evil, loathesome pig — and a vile, scum—sucking hippocrite. Who cares if the argument that his swinish comments were racist won't hold water in an Oxford Union debate? That's not what this is about. We're fighting a war with these Christian fundametalist assholes for control of the country and the future of the planet. Bennett handed us a club — so pick it up and fucking bash his head in with it. And stop wringing your hands about it, you pussy.

Besides, everyone knows Bennett IS a racist, even if his incoherent comments on the radio don't prove it beyond a reasonable doubt. We KNOW he's racist — he basically said it, so lets get busy discrediting the jerk and stop trying to make your name by selling out your allies, you turncoat.

Thank you, anonymous! Mr. Uthman will be so pleased to receive his gold star.


WINDBAG

 Dear Editor,

This is an excellent article [“A Mighty Wind,” issue 81]. I am a farm owner in Wyoming County who has been contacted for a wind turbine lease by UPC in Massachusetts. Their plan for turbines is impressive and most of my fellow  landowners in this area agree with the plan and are anxious to see the plan move to reality. We are very concerned by the amount of negative feelings Mr. Golisano's group is generating. The commercially printed "No Wind Turbine" signs springing up in non-farm dweller yards and the number of organizational "wind turbine informational meetings" - which are inevitably negative- indicate a fair amount of money behind them. Those of us in favor of the turbines certainly don't have the same kind of financial backing. Quite frankly, we also don't see what the negative fuss is about. As your article eloquently points out, most of the "facts" being quoted about the impacts of turbines are wrong. I wonder how many of those opposing have actually stood beneath the turbines in Wethersfield or Fenner (I have) to see what they actually look like, sound like, etc. We looked for dead birds around all these turbines I mention, and I saw none. The noise directly under one was less than the noise of the I-390 that runs through my nephew's farm in Rush, NY. I could go on....

Thank you.

Helen Thomas, Attica, NY

Who are you working for, Helen? The powerful wind farm lobby? Hugo Chavez? In this hurricane-fraught era, it has become clear that wind is the enemy of all patriotic Americans. By opposing fossil fuel interests you give aid and comfort to the wind. As a wind sympathizer, we can only surmise that you must hate America for some reason. Why do you hate us, Helen? Might you be the same Helen Thomas who for decades has sought to destabilize our great nation by asking difficult questions to White House press secretaries? Helen Thomas the Arab, who opposes the Greater War on Terror? Why do you love terror, Helen? Is it because you are short and old? Or is it simply to please your boyfriend, Hugo Chavez? Why do you love Hugo Chavez, Helen? You and your Wind Power movement are nothing less than a plot to derive energy from a renewable resource in a clean and efficient manner, and you must be stopped, lest you disturb the view of landed gentry as they summer. Shame on you, wind-lover!


WHY ASK WHY?

                    Bill "Crap Shoot Willy" Bennett got in trouble not really for what he said and how it was misconstrued; but because of his record and the company he's kept. Unfortunately for him, in this case the words can't be separated from the asshole who voiced them.

          […]

          Remember welfare queens, Willie Horton ads, crack-baby hysteria, or Ed Meese suggesting that people went to soup kitchens because it was free? Bennett was right in the middle of all that horseshit, posing as national morality czar, adding his own joyless sermonizing to the toxic stew. He's proudly represented the party that has given white racism a home, cover, and respectability for at least a generation. Even if he was only along for the ride, he's gonna pay the fare for it now.

          […]

Look at this as a sort of lifetime achievement award for him. After all, it's not just any asshole who can get this reaction from only a single poorly chosen analogy like this one.

          […]

I don't really buy it that this kill-fest on Big Bad Bill means that the Democrats have abandoned reason and gone over to the Dark Side; or even that they have to in order to hit the GOP where it lives. Or even that this will make everyone too afraid to confront a racially charged subject for fear of being Mau-Maued over it. For fuck sake, even Jack Kemp might have said something similar, and not have been taken down for it.

         There's so much pent-up rage against the fascists now, that everybody is just itching to nail someone after constant disappointments from the ineffectual Democrats.

       It would be much more gratifying to bring down big game; a healthy buck like John Roberts (... like Ted Kennedy said we should, just to soften them up). But sometimes the target of opportunity is only a half lame nearsighted old warthog like Bennett. That's no reason not to rip his spleen out and feed it to him on a stick.

        And fondly recall his argument for Clinton's impeachment: "The public deserves not just a non-felon, but a moral exemplar".

        OK. Bye bye ( hopefully ), asshole.

- a stupid white man         

  P.S. : Virgil the Telepath should have his own  column; or at least let him do the Beastoscope once  in awhile.   P.P.S.: No, i am not really Virgil the Telepath. But i am crazy.

No, stupid white man, you are not crazy. This guy’s crazy…


NOT-STRADAMUS

  Recently I sent you a report anticipating a major disaster on or about October 6.  The Pakistan earthquake took place October 8.  Not perfect, but better than anyone else.   I expected this earthquake to take place on the West Coast of the United States, not perfect but better than anyone else; and I am still expecting a West Coast disaster soon.

   The question asked in today's I.C. News report is how much better would my work be had the United Sates of America not made it public sport to torture and enslave me since I became history's only audible mental telepath some 33 years ago?

Cordially,

Virgil Kret

Hey whatever, Pakistan, California—yeah, close enough. But wasn’t the earth going to stop rotating or some nutty shit like that? You know, we think we’ve met some other “audible mental telepaths” before—only they called it “paranoid schizophrenia.” Take your pills, Virgil, and we predict that you’ll see a sharp decline in space war incidents. Just a hunch.


THE H WORD

whoever use the word honkies in the most recent issue of your paper better watch it

Your typewritten, unsigned message with no return address has intimidated us into submission. So, we promise, no more “honkies.” From now on, Caucasians will be referred to only as crackers, white devils, round-eyes or “The Man.” We hope this satisfies your grievance, honky.


ASSCAVATION

Caller:  Well, I don't think that statistic is accurate

Me:  Well, I don't think it is either... But I DO know that it's true that if you wanted to reduce terrorism, you could - if that was your sole purpose, you could abort every semetic baby in the Middle East, and your terrorism would go down.  That would be an impossible, ridiculous and morally reprehensible thing to do... but your terrorism WOULD go down (nudge, nudge, wink, wink)

Yeah, I guess no one would think one way or the other about someone who said something like that.

YO! UTHMAN!  Umm...exactly how far up your ass IS your head?

Drew Collins

Yo Uthman responds:

Drew, have you SEEN my head? It’s fricking huge! I can’t even wear a normal hat, let alone fit it up my pristine, virginal ass. I’m still working on two fingers.

It’ll be a long time before I take advice on thoughtcrime from a guy who can’t bring himself to say “Muslim” or “Arab,” even when playing the role of a racist.

Besides, your statement is true. Similarly, if you aborted all Mexican babies, you’d reduce illegal immigration. If you aborted all Italian babies, you’d reduce noxious fumes from excessive cologne and hairspray application. So what? These statements are ethically neutral.

If you disintegrated the moon, the earth would do somersaults and global catastrophe would ensue. This would kill most of us, and thus reduce the incidence of child pornography. So, if your sole purpose was reducing child pornography, you could nuke the moon, and that would happen. Did I just endorse nuking the moon? Should NASA issue a press release condemning my scientifically irresponsible, geocidal moon-nuking agenda? Of course they should. We can’t tolerate such trivial rhetoric in these oh-so-serious times (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).

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