PAINE-FUL
I
had this strange dream last night.
It
was during the Revolutionary War, and I was going bowling
with Thomas Paine. We were trying on bowling shoes, but
there were no shoe sizes on them so we had to keep guessing
to find the right ones. I started bitching at him about
how primative the place was and he turned to me and said,
"These are the times that men try soles". Then
he giggled and I woke up.
Pretty
weird, huh?
-Marion
Delgado
Not
weird, Marion, just awful. Just really, really, awful. Bad.
Terrible. Gag-inducing. Did we mention what a bad joke this
is? This is a bad joke. This joke is really bad. Seriously.
Makes Adam Corolla seem funny by comparison. We didn’t want
to say that, but you left us no choice. Now go to your room
and think about what you’ve done here.
GO
TEAM BLUE!
Allan
Uthman, you should get such a huge gold star for your intellectual
scruples. The fact is that Bill
Bennett is an evil, loathesome pig — and a vile, scum—sucking
hippocrite. Who cares if the argument that his swinish comments
were racist won't hold water in an Oxford Union debate?
That's not what this is about. We're fighting a war with
these Christian fundametalist assholes for control of the
country and the future of the planet. Bennett handed us
a club — so pick it up and fucking bash his head in with
it. And stop wringing your hands about it, you pussy.
Besides,
everyone knows Bennett IS a racist, even if his incoherent
comments on the radio don't prove it beyond a reasonable
doubt. We KNOW he's racist — he basically said it, so lets
get busy discrediting the jerk and stop trying to make your
name by selling out your allies, you turncoat.
Thank
you, anonymous! Mr. Uthman will be so pleased to receive
his gold star.
WINDBAG
Dear
Editor,
This
is an excellent article [“A Mighty
Wind,” issue 81]. I am a farm owner in Wyoming County
who has been contacted for a wind turbine lease by UPC in
Massachusetts. Their plan for turbines is impressive and
most of my fellow landowners in this area agree with
the plan and are anxious to see the plan move to reality.
We are very concerned by the amount of negative feelings
Mr. Golisano's group is generating. The commercially printed
"No Wind Turbine" signs springing up in non-farm
dweller yards and the number of organizational "wind
turbine informational meetings" - which are inevitably
negative- indicate a fair amount of money behind them. Those
of us in favor of the turbines certainly don't have the
same kind of financial backing. Quite frankly, we also don't
see what the negative fuss is about. As your article eloquently
points out, most of the "facts" being quoted about
the impacts of turbines are wrong. I wonder how many of
those opposing have actually stood beneath the turbines
in Wethersfield or Fenner (I have) to see what they actually
look like, sound like, etc. We looked for dead birds around
all these turbines I mention, and I saw none. The noise
directly under one was less than the noise of the I-390
that runs through my nephew's farm in Rush, NY. I could
go on....
Thank
you.
Helen
Thomas, Attica, NY
Who
are you working for, Helen? The powerful wind farm lobby?
Hugo Chavez? In this hurricane-fraught era, it has become
clear that wind is the enemy of all patriotic Americans.
By opposing fossil fuel interests you give aid and comfort
to the wind. As a wind sympathizer, we can only surmise
that you must hate America for some reason. Why do you hate
us, Helen? Might you be the same Helen Thomas who for decades
has sought to destabilize our great nation by asking difficult
questions to White House press secretaries? Helen Thomas
the Arab, who opposes the Greater War on Terror? Why do
you love terror, Helen? Is it because you are short and
old? Or is it simply to please your boyfriend, Hugo Chavez?
Why do you love Hugo Chavez, Helen? You and your Wind Power
movement are nothing less than a plot to derive energy from
a renewable resource in a clean and efficient manner, and
you must be stopped, lest you disturb the view of landed
gentry as they summer. Shame on you, wind-lover!
WHY
ASK WHY?
Bill "Crap Shoot Willy" Bennett got in trouble
not really for what he said and how it was misconstrued;
but because of his record and the company he's kept. Unfortunately
for him, in this case the words can't be separated from
the asshole who voiced them.
[…]
Remember welfare queens, Willie Horton ads, crack-baby hysteria,
or Ed Meese suggesting that people went to soup kitchens
because it was free? Bennett was right in the middle of
all that horseshit, posing as national morality czar, adding
his own joyless sermonizing to the toxic stew. He's proudly
represented the party that has given white racism a home,
cover, and respectability for at least a generation. Even
if he was only along for the ride, he's gonna pay the fare
for it now.
[…]
Look
at this as a sort of lifetime achievement award for him.
After all, it's not just any asshole who can get this reaction
from only a single poorly chosen analogy like this one.
[…]
I
don't really buy it that this kill-fest on Big Bad Bill
means that the Democrats have abandoned reason and gone
over to the Dark Side; or even that they have to in order
to hit the GOP where it lives. Or even that this will make
everyone too afraid to confront a racially charged subject
for fear of being Mau-Maued over it. For fuck sake, even
Jack Kemp might have said something similar, and not have
been taken down for it.
There's so much pent-up rage against the fascists now, that
everybody is just itching to nail someone after constant
disappointments from the ineffectual Democrats.
It would be much more gratifying to bring down big game;
a healthy buck like John Roberts (... like Ted Kennedy said
we should, just to soften them up). But sometimes the target
of opportunity is only a half lame nearsighted old warthog
like Bennett. That's no reason not to rip his spleen out
and feed it to him on a stick.
And fondly recall his argument for Clinton's impeachment:
"The public deserves not just a non-felon, but a moral
exemplar".
OK. Bye bye ( hopefully ), asshole.
-
a stupid white man
P.S. : Virgil the Telepath should have his own column;
or at least let him do the Beastoscope once in awhile.
P.P.S.: No, i am not really Virgil the Telepath. But i am
crazy.
No,
stupid white man, you are not crazy. This guy’s crazy…
NOT-STRADAMUS
Recently
I sent you a report anticipating a major disaster on or
about October 6. The Pakistan earthquake took place October
8. Not perfect, but better than anyone else. I expected
this earthquake to take place on the West Coast of the United
States, not perfect but better than anyone else; and I am
still expecting a West Coast disaster soon.
The
question asked in today's I.C. News report is how much better
would my work be had the United Sates of America not made
it public sport to torture and enslave me since I became
history's only audible mental telepath some 33 years ago?
Cordially,
Virgil
Kret
Hey
whatever, Pakistan, California—yeah, close enough. But wasn’t
the earth going to stop rotating or some nutty shit like
that? You know, we think we’ve met some other “audible mental
telepaths” before—only they called it “paranoid schizophrenia.”
Take your pills, Virgil, and we predict that you’ll see
a sharp decline in space war incidents. Just a hunch.
THE
H WORD
whoever
use the word honkies in the most recent issue of your paper
better watch it
Your
typewritten, unsigned message with no return address has
intimidated us into submission. So, we promise, no more
“honkies.” From now on, Caucasians will be referred to only
as crackers, white devils, round-eyes or “The Man.” We hope
this satisfies your grievance, honky.
ASSCAVATION
Caller:
Well, I don't think that statistic is accurate
Me:
Well, I don't think it is either... But I DO know that it's
true that if you wanted to reduce terrorism, you could -
if that was your sole purpose, you could abort every semetic
baby in the Middle East, and your terrorism would go down.
That would be an impossible, ridiculous and morally reprehensible
thing to do... but your terrorism WOULD go down (nudge,
nudge, wink, wink)
Yeah,
I guess no one would think one way or the other about someone
who said something like that.
YO!
UTHMAN! Umm...exactly how far up your ass IS your head?
Drew
Collins
Yo
Uthman responds:
Drew,
have you SEEN my head? It’s fricking huge! I can’t even
wear a normal hat, let alone fit it up my pristine, virginal
ass. I’m still working on two fingers.
It’ll
be a long time before I take advice on thoughtcrime from
a guy who can’t bring himself to say “Muslim” or “Arab,”
even when playing the role of a racist.
Besides,
your statement is true. Similarly, if you aborted all Mexican
babies, you’d reduce illegal immigration. If you aborted
all Italian babies, you’d reduce noxious fumes from excessive
cologne and hairspray application. So what? These statements
are ethically neutral.
If
you disintegrated the moon, the earth would do somersaults
and global catastrophe would ensue. This would kill most
of us, and thus reduce the incidence of child pornography.
So, if your sole purpose was reducing child pornography,
you could nuke the moon, and that would happen. Did I just
endorse nuking the moon? Should NASA issue a press release
condemning my scientifically irresponsible, geocidal moon-nuking
agenda? Of course they should. We can’t tolerate such trivial
rhetoric in these oh-so-serious times (nudge, nudge, wink,
wink).
