Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend

Oct 19 - Nov 2, 2005
Issue #86

  ..Buffalo's Best Fiend
Grand Perjury
A Miller's Tale
Allan Uthman

Are Female Genitals Enough to Qualify for the Supreme Court?
Paul jones

Getty Some
Hot Movement Action
A Monkey
Jurassic Dork
Michael Crichton's Science Fiction
Kit Smith
Harold Who?
Ode to Pinter in 1 Act

Alexander Zaitchik

Theatre of War
Inside the Psy-Ops Studio
Matt Bors

Drown Together
On Katrina & Disaster Fatigue
Jeff Dean
After terror threats, New York begins efforts to clean shit out of pants
Clayton Byrd
An Open Letter to Jessica Alba
Irresponsible Mayoral Speculation:
What do Bflo's candidates have to do to win/lose?

Shop for Porn Like a Pro!
Hyman Bender

The Assassin’s Gate
America in Iraq
by George Packer
Review by John Freeman
The Big Wedding
9/11, the Whistle-Blowers and the Cover-Up
by Sander Hicks
Review by Russ Wellen
Buffalo Soldiers
Hutch Tech's New Program: Forcible Conscription
Allan Uthman
Another Corporate Psycopath
The Barnacle at Delphi
Chuck Richardson

The BEAST Blog
Irresponsible vitriol on a near-daily basis

[sic] - Letters
Wide Right
Bills Football & other sports
Ronnie Roscoe
Kino Korner: Movies
Michael Gildea
Page 3
Separated at Birth?
 Cover Page

Idiot Box
Perry Bible Fellowship
Bob the Angry Flower

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Last Issue: (85)

Bills Manage to Suck Less
...& other sporting news

Ronnie Roscoe


Hello again, my faithful followers, the amazing Roscoe is here once more to give you the best sports information this side of the Mississippi. There are several exciting things happening in the world of sports and I’m going to discuss a few of them and enlighten you as only the Master can.

The Bills have now won two games in a row and vaulted into the top spot in the AFC East alongside New England. As J.P. Losman continues to disappoint, the team has turned to Kelly Holcomb to start at quarterback. He has done a decent job, but he isn’t the sole reason for the Bills’ recent success. The only reason the Bills have a winning streak is because the Dolphins and Jets suck [2 games is a streak now? – Ed]. This week the Bills face Oakland, another team that sucks. Sad part is, the Bills already lost to New Orleans and they suck, so who knows what will happen? I’m sure in Oakland they can’t wait to face the Bills because they know we suck.

Buffalo’s magic number continues to be 20. Under coach Mike Mularkey, the Bills are an astonishing 12-1 when they score 20 points, and an abysmal 0-9 when they don’t. The Raiders have played five games, losing four of them. They have one of the worst defenses in the league. Their offense is good, but they usually give up 20 points. In fact, whenever they have given up 20 points, they have lost, and the only time they kept the opponent under 20 (against Drew Bledsoe and Dallas) they won. The prediction here is Bills finally win on the road, 20-17.

Elsewhere around the NFL, Minnesota made news off the field as over a dozen Vikings players are said to have participated in a sex cruise. Details are still sketchy, but 17 players have been identified as having booked a tour on “The Love Boat.” I’m sure most are seeking advice from their attorneys rather than the coaches these days. Apparently a few of the boat’s crew weren’t “on board” with the activities. But that didn’t stop the players from making them join the party. The Vikings were picked by many to compete for the NFC championship, but instead they may end up with the league’s worst record. Head Coach Mike Tice came into the season on thin ice, and is just waiting for a Zamboni to come along and finish him off. It is amazing that this guy returned this year in the first place. Tice is well known to Bills fans as the only man ever to be out-coached by Gregg Williams. It is a very difficult title to earn, but Tice did it in a memorable game three years ago, in Bledsoe’s first year with Buffalo. The Bills and Vikings went to overtime tied at 41. The game featured many big plays and dismal defense. Bledsoe actually set a team record for most yards passing that day. Minnesota won the overtime coin-toss and elected to receive. Strangely, they ran three times, then punted to the Bills. Let us not forget Randy Moss was on the field that day, but Tice evidently was trying to trick Buffalo. Not the best time to go with the running game, considering neither defense could stop the other team. The Bills quickly replied, scoring a few plays later on a Bledsoe-to-Peerless Price touchdown pass.

In college football, the USC/Notre Dame thriller was one of the few times an event actually lived up to the pre-game hype. USC ended up winning on a last second score, but Notre Dame has nothing to be ashamed of. I have never been fond of the “Golden Domers,” but the way this team has responded to Charlie Weiss is unbelievable. They should sign him to a lifetime contract before the NFL comes knocking again on his door. This guy is an outstanding coach and will get offers from NFL teams. The game also illustrated why the Bills have been stuck in neutral since Tom Donahoe became GM. Donahoe could have had Weiss but chose Mularkey. I guess that shouldn’t have surprised anyone, since he could have selected John Fox, who turned 1-15 Carolina into a Super Bowl team. Or Marvin Lewis, who turned Cincinnati from league laughingstock to a Super Bowl contender. But instead he chose Williams. I guess Donahoe just figured Mularkey’s top two pupils, Tommy Maddox and Kordell Stewart, were better than what Weiss did with a seventh-round pick named Tom Brady. I wonder how JP Losman might be progressing with Weiss tutoring him.

I will close with a little commentary on the World Series. Believe it or not, I am not jumping on any bandwagon. I picked the White Sox before the season began, but only as a dark horse. They had finished second in their division three straight years and had a chance this season to make some noise. And boy, have they. Here’s to Chicago winning the Series. It might not be the Cubs, but if Boston can win then Chicago might as well, too.

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