Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend

Nov 2 - Nov16, 2005
Issue #87

  ..Buffalo's Best Fiend
All Day Suckers
Getting fooled again
Allan Uthman

The Undoucheables
Even Fitzgerald can't cleanse media pussies
Paul jones

All Eyes on Greenland
Global Warming continues to warm the globe
Alexander Zaitchik
Scalito's Way
Supreme Court loses its swing
Donnie Dobovich
Nuclear Terror goes Primetime
But who's watching?

Russ Wellen

Why 2K?
Lucky 200th dead soldier wins free autopsy
Jeff Dean

Slaving You More
A brave new world right next to the salsa
N. Sorrenti
An Evening with Malcolm McLaren
We got to hang out with him & you didn't
Paul Fallon

Ask Kim Jong Il
Advice from the world's most colorful super-villain

Judy, Judy, Judy
An interview w/ Judith Einach, Buffalo's best hopeless Mayoral candidate
Vote for Helfer or He'll Kick Your Ass
The Buffalo News' Illogical Endersement

The BEAST Blog
Irresponsible vitriol on a near-daily basis

[sic] - Letters
Wide Right
Bills Football & other sports
Kino Korner: Movies
Michael Gildea
Page 3
Separated at Birth?
 Cover Page

Idiot Box
Perry Bible Fellowship
Bob the Angry Flower

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( Now includes classic early BEASTS!)


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The Buffalo News, predictably, endorsed Republican candidate Kevin Helfer for mayor the other day. We’d say this was a particularly stupid endorsement, but it really wasn’t any dumber than most of their endorsements have been this year. It did, however, contain the most ridiculous political sports metaphor we’ve seen this year:

To use a football analogy, Helfer's the fullback handed the ball on fourth and one who gets 12 yards up the middle carrying five tacklers, firing up the whole team. Brown is the star wide receiver with great pedigree, speed and hands, but he won't go over the middle to make the tough catches that provide similar team inspiration.

Well, the hell with City Hall, get Helfer down to Ralph Wilson Stadium, we need him down there! There’s a lot wrong with this statement. For one, what do the five tacklers represent? Union negotiators? Why does the News have to use words like “thoroughbred” and “pedigree” when describing Brown, as if he’s some advanced animal husbandry project? What the hell does smashing into people have to do with running a city?

Once again, the News bases its editorial on nothing factual, just baseless conjecture stated as fact. And big dumb metaphors.

For instance: Baseless conjecture stated as fact – “Helfer would hire the best people for jobs regardless of their connections or lack of them.” Well, isn’t that reassuring. How the hell does the News know this? They don’t bother to tell their readers; we’ll just have to take their word for it.

It is asserted, again for reasons not shared with us, that “Helfer seems to have the toughness to say no to [Carl] Paladino,” the local developer, known to be a major political player, who is responsible for ¾ of Helfer’s campaign cash. Isn’t that reassuring? He “seems” to be able to refuse favors to the guy who got him elected. Perhaps Helfer can also bench press a Boeing 747.

In fact, a reliable source informs us that Helfer was at La Nova Pizza last Saturday, apparently meeting with Paladino and old Joseph “Lead Pipe” Todaro Sr., legendary local crime boss. So how much “toughness” does it take to refuse repayment of favors to mobsters? More than Helfer’s got, if he values his thumbs.

Reading the editorial, it seems that the News’ impressions of Helfer are based solely on the fact that he is a big, burly man. Helfer is “tough,” he hastoughness,”  “grit,” “bulldog drive,” “blue-collar determination.” He’s kind of like John Goodman’s character on “Roseanne,” except he’s married to the established ruling class of Buffalo – Paladino, M&T’s Bob Wilmers, The News’ Stan Lipsey and Warren Buffett, among others, and not a loudmouthed overrated comic. No doubt, Helfer will have the “toughness” to do whatever he can to smooth things along for these wealthy locals and their continued prosperity. When the News argues that Brown “is beholden to interests the city does business with,” it fails to mention that Helfer clearly fits that bill as well.

The News predicts a “watershed” election, meaning that Helfer will win now that they have endorsed him. Don’t give them the satisfaction. If you want real change, and a candidate who really doesn’t owe anybody favors, vote for Judy Einach. Don’t fall for the old “Republican reformer” BS – just look what it’s done to the rest of the country.

Again, speaking of baseless conjecture, the last line of the piece:

He's tough, simple in a good way and blunt. With Helfer there's no doubt he'd be a mayor for the people, and for change.

No doubt? After a bunch of references to the fact that Helfer can beat your ass, and some absolute conjecture that he will do what he says, now there’s no doubt that Helfer will rescue Buffalo from political malaise, that he is a crusading reformer for the people?

We’ve said it before, but the editorial quality of the Buffalo News just seems to get worse and worse. It embarrassing, frankly. It’s not so much that we disagree—although we do disagree—as it is that the News can’t even back up its own endorsements with anything resembling fact-based logic.

Vote for Helfer because he’s a fullback? Do they really think we’re that stupid?

Are we?

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