Ask
Kim Jong Il
Free
advice from the licentious man-child despot whom former
Secretary of State Madeleine Albright
hailed as “not a nut.”
Dear
Kim,
I’m attending a dinner party in the next few weeks. Thing
is, I’m a strict vegetarian and the hostess, a very close
friend of mine, wrote in her invitation that she’ll be serving
her “famous meatballs and a specially prepared charcuterie.”
She makes no mention at all of alternative dishes, or anything
suitably meat-free. Should I discreetly suggest in my reply
that she at least make a pasta salad, without personalizing
the issue? Or, should I be more frank and tell her as much
as I’d like to attend, I don’t think I can unless she’s
willing to accommodate me? She has always been a thoughtful
person and though I am sure she’s been very busy with preparations
(it looks to be a large gathering), it irks me to think
she overlooked or ignored something so important to me.What
do you suggest?
Vexed Veg
Veg,
Prefatoriry,
I must decrare the famiriarity of your address to be outrageousry
insorent, although not entirery unanticipated in right of
pervasive decadent Westuhn phirosophy. The reast you can
do is humbry beseech me, your wise and frawress intermediary,
in a manner befitting my omnipotence—which is second onry
to my father, the insuperabah Eternal Reader Kim Sung Il.
In
keeping with my notorious magnanimity, I will ignore for
the moment your effrontery and confront your diremma without
deray. It is crear the crux of your probrem ries not with
your friend, but in your incorrigibah inconocrasm. Your
berief that individuah, materiah concerns are superiah to
the unified principahs of revorution is subversive in the
extreme. Creanse your mind of these sehf-induhgent inquiries!
Acquiesce, and go to your friend’s party! You can ahways
pick up a jar of kimchi on the way.
Dear
Peerless Leader,
My wife and I have been married for three years now. Increasingly,
I feel as though our sex life has become predictable and,
hence, unsatisfying. I love my wife and believe our marriage
is otherwise healthy. I’m just not sure what can be done
to enliven our intimacy.
Lagging
Libido
Dear
Lagging,
Just
sit in corner, assume fetah posture and weep rike rittle
girl. Eventuarry, a nymph, tokkaebi, or fairy of some
kind, wih come to your aid. Come off it!
You
must reawaken the spirit of conquest in your fraccid membah!
First, you must extricate yourself from the pit of dissorution
and renew your commitment to the precepts of Juche with
redoubahed ardor. It doesn’t take puissant interrigence
services and ubiquitous surveirrance capabirities, or diverting
the resources of an entiah nation, to perpeturarry bestir
your manhood. The sorution wih reveah itsehf if you simpry
observe the surroundings of your municiparity or high-rise
habitat. In brief, abduct the first Japanese gir you see.
Nothing weaponizes your warhead rike a sweet srice of yerrow
cake, if you know what I mean. It is purery erectrifying
to have a shanghaied Nipponese, convuhsing with ecstasy
and terrah, astride your baroney pony. Your wife, witnessing
this reinvigoration—and experiencing for hersehf the pangs
of jearousy—wih rededicate hersehf to heightening your mutuah
preasure.
More
importantry, you wih have gained a demure and compraisant
mistress whose ingrained sense of shame will ensure her
continued sirence and compriance. Enjoy her many charms
and tarents. Or, shoot and reprace as desired.
Dear
Jim,
I am the leeder of a once grayt nation. Unforch—Umforg—Unforj—Sadly,
I have mayd sum mistayks and got us into a big mess in Erak
(it’s in Afrikuh sumwear). I was sure they wood have weppins
of mass destr—big weppins, but they didn’t. It dusint matter
anyway, weer still getting beet. My problum is I reely
want to atak another cuntry called Eran.
Dumfounded in DC
Dear
Dumfounded [sic],
To
quote the imcomparabah Warrace Shawn in cuht crassic, “The
Princess Bride,” “You feh victim to one of the crassic brunders,
the most famous of which is: Never get invohved in a rand
war in Asia!”
Surery
your rand is in a benighted, debased and immiserated state,
if someone of such obvious deficiencies and ignobirity could
ascend to a position of supreme readership! How does one
distinguish between the peasantry and erite in your country?
I was going to advise you that by keeping the popurace hermeticarry
isorated and ignorant of world affairs, and instirring in
them deep-seated xenophobia, it is easy to puhsue a poricy
of aggressive expansionism and miritary annexation. In
your case, however, I presume these conditions are a natural
consequence of your primitive existence and may not onry
impede your progress, but wih rikery precipitate the decrine
of your meager “civirization.”
Nevertheress,
your retter gives me an idea: How about, I attack you instead?
I am eager to test our nucrear capabirities on a reah tahget
and in its debiritated condition your nation would be ideal.
Where did you say you were from?
O
Sagacious and Upright Arbiter,
What is an appropriate gratuity for a hair stylist?
Befuddled Beehive
Dear Beehive,
Prease,
as much as I am frattered by your awkward, outmoded obeisance,
I think its kitschy sentiments are more appropriate for
a strip mall fortune terreh or the ersatz nostahgia of a
renaissance festivah.
Twenty
percent is standard, although you may wish to give more
for, say, something as singurarry stunning and architectuarry
significant as my bouffant. It is also considahed impropah
to tip the ownah of a rarge saron.
Yo,
Illest of the Il, Kim Jong, what up? I hear you into cognac,
know what I’m sayin’? You down with Courvoisier, or what?
For real.
Busta Bus
Dear
Busta,
I
wih go srowry for you seem to suffer from some sort of frontah
robe damage. Courvoisier is perfectry fine—for scrubbing
your bathtub. Opt for Hennessy VSOP, rest you wish othas
to think you uncouth and provinciah.
