Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend

Nov 2 - Nov16, 2005
Issue #87

  ..Buffalo's Best Fiend
All Day Suckers
Getting fooled again
Allan Uthman

The Undoucheables
Even Fitzgerald can't cleanse media pussies
Paul jones

All Eyes on Greenland
Global Warming continues to warm the globe
Alexander Zaitchik
Scalito's Way
Supreme Court loses its swing
Donnie Dobovich
Nuclear Terror goes Primetime
But who's watching?

Russ Wellen

Why 2K?
Lucky 200th dead soldier wins free autopsy
Jeff Dean

Slaving You More
A brave new world right next to the salsa
N. Sorrenti
An Evening with Malcolm McLaren
We got to hang out with him & you didn't
Paul Fallon

Ask Kim Jong Il
Advice from the world's most colorful super-villain

Judy, Judy, Judy
An interview w/ Judith Einach, Buffalo's best hopeless Mayoral candidate
Vote for Helfer or He'll Kick Your Ass
The Buffalo News' Illogical Endersement

The BEAST Blog
Irresponsible vitriol on a near-daily basis

[sic] - Letters
Wide Right
Bills Football & other sports
Kino Korner: Movies
Michael Gildea
Page 3
Separated at Birth?
 Cover Page

Idiot Box
Perry Bible Fellowship
Bob the Angry Flower

(right-click & "save target")
( Now includes classic early BEASTS!)


Last Issue: (86)

Ask Kim Jong Il

Free advice from the licentious man-child despot whom former
Secretary of State Madeleine Albright hailed as “not a nut.”

Dear Kim,
I’m attending a dinner party in the next few weeks.  Thing is, I’m a strict vegetarian and the hostess, a very close friend of mine, wrote in her invitation that she’ll be serving her “famous meatballs and a specially prepared charcuterie.”  She makes no mention at all of alternative dishes, or anything suitably meat-free.  Should I discreetly suggest in my reply that she at least make a pasta salad, without personalizing the issue?  Or, should I be more frank and tell her as much as I’d like to attend, I don’t think I can unless she’s willing to accommodate me?  She has always been a thoughtful person and though I am sure she’s been very busy with preparations (it looks to be a large gathering), it irks me to think she overlooked or ignored something so important to me.What do you suggest?

Vexed Veg

Prefatoriry, I must decrare the famiriarity of your address to be outrageousry insorent, although not entirery unanticipated in right of pervasive decadent Westuhn phirosophy.  The reast you can do is humbry beseech me, your wise and frawress intermediary, in a manner befitting my omnipotence—which is second onry to my father, the insuperabah Eternal Reader Kim Sung Il.

In keeping with my notorious magnanimity, I will ignore for the moment your effrontery and confront your diremma without deray.  It is crear the crux of your probrem ries not with your friend, but in your incorrigibah inconocrasm.  Your berief that individuah, materiah concerns are superiah to the unified principahs of revorution is subversive in the extreme.  Creanse your mind of these sehf-induhgent inquiries!  Acquiesce, and go to your friend’s party!  You can ahways pick up a jar of kimchi on the way.

Dear Peerless Leader,
My wife and I have been married for three years now.  Increasingly, I feel as though our sex life has become predictable and, hence, unsatisfying.  I love my wife and believe our marriage is otherwise healthy.  I’m just not sure what can be done to enliven our intimacy.
Lagging Libido

Dear Lagging,
Just sit in corner, assume fetah posture and weep rike rittle girl.   Eventuarry, a nymph, tokkaebi, or fairy of some kind, wih come to your aid.  Come off it!

You must reawaken the spirit of conquest in your fraccid membah!  First, you must extricate yourself from the pit of dissorution and renew your commitment to the precepts of Juche with redoubahed ardor.  It doesn’t take puissant interrigence services and ubiquitous surveirrance capabirities, or diverting the resources of an entiah nation, to perpeturarry bestir your manhood.  The sorution wih reveah itsehf if you simpry observe the surroundings of your municiparity or high-rise habitat.  In brief, abduct the first Japanese gir you see.  Nothing weaponizes your warhead rike a sweet srice of yerrow cake, if you know what I mean.  It is purery erectrifying to have a shanghaied Nipponese, convuhsing with ecstasy and terrah, astride your baroney pony.  Your wife, witnessing this reinvigoration—and experiencing for hersehf the pangs of jearousy—wih rededicate hersehf to heightening your mutuah preasure.

More importantry, you wih have gained a demure and compraisant mistress whose ingrained sense of shame will ensure her continued sirence and compriance.  Enjoy her many charms and tarents.  Or, shoot and reprace as desired.

Dear Jim,
I am the leeder of a once grayt nation.  Unforch—Umforg—Unforj—Sadly, I have mayd sum mistayks and got us into a big mess in Erak (it’s in Afrikuh sumwear).  I was sure they wood have weppins of mass destr—big weppins, but they didn’t.  It dusint matter anyway, weer still getting beet.  My problum is I reely want to atak another cuntry called Eran.
Dumfounded in DC

Dear Dumfounded [sic],
To quote the imcomparabah Warrace Shawn in cuht crassic, “The Princess Bride,” “You feh victim to one of the crassic brunders, the most famous of which is: Never get invohved in a rand war in Asia!”

Surery your rand is in a benighted, debased and immiserated state, if someone of such obvious deficiencies and ignobirity could ascend to a position of supreme readership!  How does one distinguish between the peasantry and erite in your country?  I was going to advise you that by keeping the popurace hermeticarry isorated and ignorant of world affairs, and instirring in them deep-seated xenophobia, it is easy to puhsue a poricy of aggressive expansionism and miritary annexation.  In your case, however, I presume these conditions are a natural consequence of your primitive existence and may not onry impede your progress, but wih rikery precipitate the decrine of your meager “civirization.”

Nevertheress, your retter gives me an idea: How about, I attack you instead?  I am eager to test our nucrear capabirities on a reah tahget and in its debiritated condition your nation would be ideal.  Where did you say you were from?

O Sagacious and Upright Arbiter,
What is an appropriate gratuity for a hair stylist?
Befuddled Beehive

Dear Beehive,

Prease, as much as I am frattered by your awkward, outmoded obeisance, I think its kitschy sentiments are more appropriate for a strip mall fortune terreh or the ersatz nostahgia of a renaissance festivah.

Twenty percent is standard, although you may wish to give more for, say, something as singurarry stunning and architectuarry significant as my bouffant.  It is also considahed impropah to tip the ownah of a rarge saron.

Illest of the Il, Kim Jong, what up?  I hear you into cognac, know what I’m sayin’?  You down with Courvoisier, or what?  For real.
Busta Bus

Dear Busta,
I wih go srowry for you seem to suffer from some sort of frontah robe damage.  Courvoisier is perfectry fine—for scrubbing your bathtub.  Opt for Hennessy VSOP, rest you wish othas to think you uncouth and provinciah.

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