Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend

Nov 2 - Nov16, 2005
Issue #87

  .Buffalo's Best Fiend
All Day Suckers
Getting fooled again
Allan Uthman

The Undoucheables
Even Fitzgerald can't cleanse media pussies
Paul jones

All Eyes on Greenland
Global Warming continues to warm the globe
Alexander Zaitchik
Scalito's Way
Supreme Court loses its swing
Donnie Dobovich
Nuclear Terror goes Primetime
But who's watching?

Russ Wellen

Why 2K?
Lucky 200th dead soldier wins free autopsy
Jeff Dean

Slaving You More
A brave new world right next to the salsa
N. Sorrenti
An Evening with Malcolm McLaren
We got to hang out with him & you didn't
Paul Fallon

Ask Kim Jong Il
Advice from the world's most colorful super-villain

Judy, Judy, Judy
An interview w/ Judith Einach, Buffalo's best hopeless Mayoral candidate
Vote for Helfer or He'll Kick Your Ass
The Buffalo News' Illogical Endersement

The BEAST Blog
Irresponsible vitriol on a near-daily basis

[sic] - Letters
Wide Right
Bills Football & other sports
Kino Korner: Movies
Michael Gildea
Page 3
Separated at Birth?
 Cover Page

Idiot Box
Perry Bible Fellowship
Bob the Angry Flower

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Last Issue: (86)

Beast-O-Scopes by Andrew Gullerstein


Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Hey Scorpio, I have to admit something. At the Halloween party I really enjoyed your little she-devil outfit, especially the very short leather mini-skirt, which I looked up every time you sat down. I saw the Promised Land and it was good.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Sagittarius, I read an interesting article recently that was also used for a segment on “The Daily Show.” There is this guy manufacturing a Tofu product made to replicate the taste and texture of human flesh. The product is called “Hufu,” and is geared for the “adventure-seeking cannibal enthusiast” who may want to experience the joy of eating human flesh without the legal repercussions. Basically, this is a perfect product for you Sagittarius; you can finally stop killing hookers.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Capricorn, I just wanted you to know that I killed a millipede the other day, and when I went through its things, I discovered a map of your apartment with a printed mission directive to enter you ear cavity and make its way to your brain. I just figured you should know.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aquarius, I can’t believe you gave out fruit for Halloween.


Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Pisces, I just wanted you to know that I was totally checking out your tits at the furniture store the other day. I was with my lady so I couldn’t get a good leer going, but I was checking them out and I have to say that they are absolutely fantastic. The tight gray shirt was a good choice, Pisces.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Aries, please accept the fact that you are the “funny guy” only at the office. Outside of the office you have the comedy stylings of a chunk of sod, and people dread having you over for dinner. Just for the record, people at the office only laugh at your jokes because they think you’re retarded (like Lenny from “L.A. Law”) and don’t want to make you feel bad.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, I agree that living with your parents sucks, but do you know what is worse? Living in an 8x8 room with a possessed three-foot tall doll named Robert. 

Gemini (May 21 –June 20)

Gemini, the giant Afro has to go. Not just because it looks dated, but also because you’re white and always complaining about not getting laid. You might want to lose that silly moustache as well. You look like a supporting actor from a ‘70s porn film.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Cancer, though I agree that your collection of Barely Legal magazines is impressive and quite possibly epic, you may want to keep them in boxes and stored someplace discreet instead of in those glass display cases in the living room. It may put you in a better position when the woman from Social Services stops by in response to all those calls from your mother-in-law.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo, you have no right to complain about your Internet connection speed. You’re the asshole that bought into that “high speed dial-up” bullshit in that commercial. Just because the laser graphics in the commercial were cool and zipping all over the place at high speeds has nothing to do with the quality of service actually provided. Unfortunately, hindsight is 20/20 and you are stuck with that one-year contract for substandard internet service you signed. I thought you learned your lesson after that whole BMG music service fiasco.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Virgo, that Nazi SS uniform you wore for Halloween took a lot of balls and I will give you some credit for that. But given the detail of the uniform and your visible glee in wearing it publicly gave me the distinct feeling you have been wearing that thing for a long time. My guess would be at home with the shades drawn and the walls adorned with swastikas and possibly an altar. I’ll be keeping an eye on you, Virgo.


Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)

Libra, your boss is an asshole. We’re talking a purebred asshole who upon retirement will be put to stud with unusually conservative women to father an entire race of assholes bred for the sole purpose of demolishing the earth using a “what’s best for the business?” management philosophy. This new breed of asshole will eventually cause the human race to be condensed into a series of mega cities (possibly domed) governed by a strict caste system…So don’t feel bad about pissing in his coffee.

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