Scorpio
(Oct 23-Nov 21)
Hey
Scorpio, I have to admit something. At the Halloween party
I really enjoyed your little she-devil outfit, especially
the very short leather mini-skirt, which I looked up every
time you sat down. I saw the Promised Land and it was good.
Sagittarius
(Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Sagittarius,
I read an interesting article recently that was also used
for a segment on “The Daily Show.” There is this guy manufacturing
a Tofu product made to replicate the taste and texture of
human flesh. The product is called “Hufu,” and is geared
for the “adventure-seeking cannibal enthusiast” who may want to experience
the joy of eating human flesh without the legal repercussions.
Basically, this is a perfect product for you Sagittarius;
you can finally stop killing hookers.
Capricorn
(Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Capricorn,
I just wanted you to know that I killed a millipede the
other day, and when I went through its things, I discovered
a map of your apartment with a printed mission directive
to enter you ear cavity and make its way to your brain.
I just figured you should know.
Aquarius
(Jan 20-Feb 18)
Aquarius,
I can’t believe you gave out fruit for Halloween.
Pisces
(Feb 19-March 20)
Pisces,
I just wanted you to know that I was totally checking out
your tits at the furniture store the other day. I was with
my lady so I couldn’t get a good leer going, but I was checking
them out and I have to say that they are absolutely fantastic.
The tight gray shirt was a good choice, Pisces.
Aries
(March 21-April 19)
Aries,
please accept the fact that you are the “funny guy” only
at the office. Outside of the office you have the comedy
stylings of a chunk of sod, and people dread having you
over for dinner. Just for the record, people at the office
only laugh at your jokes because they think you’re retarded
(like Lenny from “L.A. Law”) and don’t want to make you
feel bad.
Taurus
(April 20-May 20)
Taurus,
I agree that living with your parents sucks, but do you
know what is worse? Living in an 8x8 room with a possessed
three-foot tall doll named Robert.
Gemini
(May 21 –June 20)
Gemini,
the giant Afro has to go. Not just because it looks dated,
but also because you’re white and always complaining about
not getting laid. You might want to lose that silly moustache
as well. You look like a supporting actor from a ‘70s porn
film.
Cancer
(June 21-July 22)
Cancer,
though I agree that your collection of Barely Legal
magazines is impressive and quite possibly epic, you may
want to keep them in boxes and stored someplace discreet
instead of in those glass display cases in the living room.
It may put you in a better position when the woman from
Social Services stops by in response to all those calls
from your mother-in-law.
Leo
(July 23-Aug. 22)
Leo,
you have no right to complain about your Internet connection
speed. You’re the asshole that bought into that “high speed
dial-up” bullshit in that commercial. Just because the laser
graphics in the commercial were cool and zipping all over
the place at high speeds has nothing to do with the quality
of service actually provided. Unfortunately, hindsight is
20/20 and you are stuck with that one-year contract for
substandard internet service you signed. I thought you learned
your lesson after that whole BMG music service fiasco.
Virgo
(Aug 23-Sept 22)
Virgo,
that Nazi SS uniform you wore for Halloween took a lot of
balls and I will give you some credit for that. But given
the detail of the uniform and your visible glee in wearing
it publicly gave me the distinct feeling you have been wearing
that thing for a long time. My guess would be at home with
the shades drawn and the walls adorned with swastikas and
possibly an altar. I’ll be keeping an eye on you, Virgo.
Libra
(Sept 23 –Oct 22)
Libra,
your boss is an asshole. We’re talking a purebred asshole
who upon retirement will be put to stud with unusually conservative
women to father an entire race of assholes bred for the
sole purpose of demolishing the earth using a “what’s best
for the business?” management philosophy. This new breed
of asshole will eventually cause the human race to be condensed
into a series of mega cities (possibly domed) governed by
a strict caste system…So don’t feel bad about pissing in
his coffee.
