Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend

Nov 2 - Nov16, 2005
Issue #87

  ..Buffalo's Best Fiend
All Day Suckers
Getting fooled again
Allan Uthman

The Undoucheables
Even Fitzgerald can't cleanse media pussies
Paul jones

All Eyes on Greenland
Global Warming continues to warm the globe
Alexander Zaitchik
Scalito's Way
Supreme Court loses its swing
Donnie Dobovich
Nuclear Terror goes Primetime
But who's watching?

Russ Wellen

Why 2K?
Lucky 200th dead soldier wins free autopsy
Jeff Dean

Slaving You More
A brave new world right next to the salsa
N. Sorrenti
An Evening with Malcolm McLaren
We got to hang out with him & you didn't
Paul Fallon

Ask Kim Jong Il
Advice from the world's most colorful super-villain

Judy, Judy, Judy
An interview w/ Judith Einach, Buffalo's best hopeless Mayoral candidate
Vote for Helfer or He'll Kick Your Ass
The Buffalo News' Illogical Endersement

The BEAST Blog
Irresponsible vitriol on a near-daily basis

[sic] - Letters
Wide Right
Bills Football & other sports
Kino Korner: Movies
Michael Gildea
Page 3
Separated at Birth?
 Cover Page

Idiot Box
Perry Bible Fellowship
Bob the Angry Flower

(right-click & "save target")
( Now includes classic early BEASTS!)


Last Issue: (86)



Was I really the only person to notice gender week was really feminist week? The plight of women in this country is a joke. Fight for equality not revenge. Child support and abortion cannot co-exist as it does today. This country will feel the effects of this unjust system sooner or later but by then men will probably be castrated at birth. While women are not all the same the law has created a situation where men cannot trust a woman. Feminism has really taken a wrong turn. I was informed about abortion in high school. A pile of raging hormones cannot make a reasonable decision, and while some men are able some are not, just like women. Its time people started to do something about this. The pro-lifers are morons also. Take god out of your arguement and use equality, if its a womans body and a womans choice why do we have child support amongst non-married parents? I can understand divorce but this system doesnt work for singles. The family court is basically blackmail of the worst kind. It comes down to the poor choices people make and the selfish reasons they have or dont have abortions. I find it difficult to believe that women are being forced to be sex objects, thats a choice also, but women dont want to admit that they want thier cake and eat it too, well they do get thier cake and eat it too, except for ugly women maybe. But even an ugly woman has a better chance of finding "love" than an ugly man.
Mike Clark


We’re sure you would know, Mike. Sorry you weren’t bright enough to pull out in time. Try not to kill anyone, okay?


I'm a retired Army colonel (1999) and agree with the thrust of your article [“Buffalo Soldiers,” issue 86], but you're factually wrong about double dipping. Congress changed the law, and military retirees collect their full pensions if employed by the federal government. Even before the change in law it wasn't a dollar for dollar offset and applied only to regular service officers not reservists and enlisted members.

Gerald A. Lechliter Lewes, DE


Thanks for the clarification, sir, but doesn’t that just mean they’re all double dipping? Anyway, the principal caved in, clearly as a result of our white-hot media spotlight on the issue. Now students at Hutch Tech can once again exercise their right to fall asleep in their notebooks during study hall.


Greetings old friend. One of my fellow amateur radio, ham radio, friends is a huge fan of The Beast. When he'd heard of my tenure and service with you guys he was very interested and eventually bought a subscription. He told me, the other night over the radio at a round table called a net, that YOU personally made a delivery for him not wanting his subscription to unfulfilled. He told me he was thrilled to meet you, much more than the thrill of meeting any politician could ever warrant. He believes you to be a true fighter for truth, you and your staff. He loves the paper and would often say on the air and to me in person that it was difficult to get a paper from any BEAST BOX as, "They always seemed to be cleaned out when I got there."

P.S. Have you heard of a little play called "Buffalo Zings"? It is a play about Buffalo and its many comical problems/issues. There is a scene dedicated to THE BEAST! I kid you not! They are making light of the "most loathsome [Buffalonians]" list.


Noah, you need to get out more, buddy. We’d spend more time ridiculing you, but right now we’re busy preparing to sue the producers of “Buffalo Zings” for royalties. Boy, we bet that show’s priceless!


Hello - I've waited long enough to write you, Mr. Chief Editor-Man, about a feature that ran for two brilliant issues and was dropped mercilessly and without explanation.

Don't ask me now who the writer was (my slow connection makes navigating your archives painful) but there was a column written by a former Catholic who actually sat down to read the Bible and dissected the bizarre twisted truth found therein. Now it's gone.



I miss it so, even if it last appeared so very, very long ago. 



It’s true, M, Itza Crock’s “Cross Examination” ran only two scant episodes before he mysteriously disappeared overnight the day after the Kingdom Bound tour hit Darien Lake. With any luck, he will one day be resurrected and continue to debunk the most easily refuted author this side of Sean Hannity.


Hello, I was just wondering if you were going to run a story about online coupon codes this fall for the Christmas season? I think it might be useful to people (anything that helps save money). Some of the sites that I use are KeepCash.com and eCouponCodes.com. I actually also just noticed that KeepCash posted the after Thanksgiving Black Friday ads which is nice because you can see what will be on sale and plan ahead. 

:-)  I hope this helps!



Wow, thanks, Julie! We were sitting around, wondering what to write about this Christmas, and you know, wow – online coupon codes! Why didn’t we think of that? But you know what would really, really help? If you’d kill yourself in a particularly horrible fashion. You know, battery acid, gasoline, wood chipper—whatever’s around. Just do it quickly, so then you’ll be dead, you fucking life-stealing spammer bitch. Die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die.


 Hello my hope!

I am not sure you get this message but if you got I want you to know that I want to travel to your country to work in two weeks and I just want to meet right man. I live in Russia and my goal is to leave this country because it is impossible to live here for young pretty woman. if you have not wife or girlfriend ,maybe we could try to meet?  I am 25 years old, I will tell you more about me and send you a picture when you reply. Please write to me directly to my mail…   Email I am writing from right now is not mine.Make sure you write to my personal address. See you soon

Diane Starr


Could it be true, Diane? Could we at The BEAST be lucky enough to get our very own white slave? Our very own coerced Russian temptress? Every night, we can relive our national conquest over the collapsed Soviet empire, as we Reagan your Gorbachev urgently to the inspiring sounds of the Star Spangled Banner. Then it’s back in the basement again, at least until you learn how to stay put, our little babushka. Die, spammer, die!


A bowling alley?  Marion, Marion, you screwed up a perfectly bad joke.  How many times have you gone to Footlocker and asked 'Yo, Dude!  You got these soles in blue?"  Indeed, when was the last time you went bowling and said "Shit, I forget my soles!  Now I gotta rent a smelly pair of theirs .... "

      Woulda worked better if Tome Paine and you had been at the counter at GiGi's, or Hayes Fish Market.  Cripes! you coulda gone international by waiting at the airport to buy tickets to Korea.

      But a bowling alley.

   Your critic, Jim


Thanks for echoing our response, Jim. That really took guts.



Listen fool.  If ya gonna attempt to answer back to shit a brutha say make sure you unnastan a brutha first.  Ya heard?  I didnt' say "muslim" or "Arab" because I SAID semetic.  EVERY flava, the beany wearin ones and the ones dat wear da tablecloths on they head.  The ones who democratically elect their terrorist assassins AND the run of the mill freelancers who fuck up your bus ride or your party at da club.  In any case the statement is NOT true in any meaningful way.  The "problem" of terrorism or the "problem" of black criminality is essentially a fiction created by oppressors.  Whenever crakkas run amok the resisters ALWAYS get denigrated for their resistance.  One outcome of a crakka invasion is the collapse of the victims culture and society which has the unfortunate characteristic of the victims tendency to victimize themselves.  Whenever a crakka, honorary crakka (like yourself) or crakka wannabe starts talking about the "problems" of the oppressed they always, sooner or later, bring up anecdotes like Bennett's.  They ALWAYS got stats that they refer to (that they of course compile), like you did, to back up what they say and show how what they say IS kinda true but they NEVER want to really get down with REAL facts about why shit really happens.  Did I clear that up for ya a little better Uth?

It's cool you wouldn't take my advice by the way considering I didn't offer any advice to take or reject.  I DO think though people should question taking seriously columnists who say "count me out on this one" in the title to their piece and then waste two pages of ink and paper on horseshit and drivel.



Drew Collins


Uthman hollas back:

Hey, that’s really great news, bitch. You see, I thought all those crimes were real! I’m delighted to find that they’re all fictional! Or “essentially” fiction. Or resistance. Hey, whatever, as long as nobody’s getting hurt!

You really think I don’t get that systematic persecution and neglect breed crime? All you’re doing to me is what was done to Bennett – accusing me of racism based on statements that don’t fit the charge. Whether the problem is terrorism or crime, how do you fix it? By addressing the problems that cause it; not by pretending it doesn’t exist.

By the way, have you tried the horseshit and drivel sundae at Fridays? As an honorary crakka, I get a dollar fifty discount.


Dear Mr Uthman,

The tension ahead of Pat's legal "smart bombs" is almost unbearable for true believers. Your "Miller's Tale" [Grand Perjury,” issue 89] is a classic of satire. It broke the political zietgiest's mesmeric spell delightfully. Belly laughs and tear's all round chez nous. Now for the WHIGs. May your quill remain a stiletto.

Jack Schlink.


We prefer to think of it as our keyboards being 2x4s. Now try to relax; we’re sure you’re very intelligent.


I think it's time for The Beast to do an in depth article on the state of education in Buffalo. I can't believe the garbage the Buffalo News put on it's cover this morning regarding how great the Charter Schools are.

Brian Duffy


We were thinking of doing that, Brian, but then we realized none of the kids would be able to read it. Hah! No, seriously, we’re too stupid to do a good job of it because we grew up here. Ho! We’re here all week, folks. Try the fish.



Me and my friend are two of the few loyal Beast readers out in the sterile Buffalo suburb, Orchard Park. Every week we venture downtown someway, somehow to get a copy of the Beast. The Beast never ceases to provide us with more than a few good laughs!! The Harriet Miers article (and pic) was a classic!! Also, what happend to "that guy" in the classifieds?!? We try to spread the word as much as possible out in OP but few understand!! Anyway - we just wanted to send some props your way for a GREAT job!! The beast rules!! If the beast ever needs any interns we would be happy to come down and check out what goes on behind the scenes!! One of my all time favorites was in the "sic" section when some guy ranted about Mary Kunz Goldman and the Why Guy, and how poeple cite their run ins with the Goo Goo Dolls when bragging about Buffalo!! We posted Zack Goldstein's letter to Jessica Alba up in our school and people loved it!! Keep it up, let us know if you have any openings, maybe we could file papers, or answer phones....

-Marge & Sarah


Yes, ladies, we’re positive we can find appropriate positions for you two. How does ‘reverse cowgirl’ sound? If you’re not sure what that means, we’ll be sure and fill you in. Gee, that was just mean, wasn’t it? We don’t know what our problem is today. Of course, ladies, just call us and we’ll arrange a meeting. Dress kinky. Bring doughnuts.

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