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ETHICS 666
An exclusive rush transcript of a White House ethics course
Allan Uthman

From Russia with Rage
Mark Ames promotes new book
Paul Jones

I DICK
It’s amazing what a person can accomplish with a few proper restraints, a wet cloth and steadily dripping water.
Ian Murphy

HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, MONKEY
The BEAST's simian scribe gives us a heart to heart conversation about drugs

Pandemic Of Fear
Bird Flu is not a food-borne illness; so far the only people who have contracted it live or work (in Asia) with live chickens.  So why the uproar?
Kit Smith

INFOGRAPHIC
What are we thankful for?

WOP - COUNTERWOP
Today's topic: Samuel Alito's nomination to the Supreme Court

Reader Opinions
Our distinguished readers weigh in on current events

PBS, NPR KO CPB SOB
Kenneth Y. Tomlinson last week stepped down from his seat on the Corporation for Public Broadcasting’s board of directors.
Jeff Dean

Interview With A Charred Corpse
The BEAST chats with the seared remains of a 2004 napalm attack  on Fallujah

The 20 FUNNIEST THINGS about Pastor Joel Osteen Going To Heaven
by N. Sorrenti

Classic Hammer Rings Untrue For Today's Early Teens

Sheer Idiocy Scores Victory Over Evolution


KINO KORNER
THIS ISSUE: Derailed, Pride And Prejudice, Jarhead, Chicken Little, and more!

WIDE RIGHT
Losman to the rescue... and Yoda too!

BEAST-O-SCOPES
by Andrew Gullerstein

The BEAST PAGE 3
COOL MOM

[sic]
The BEAST answers your letters

COMIX:
Idiot Box

Perry Bible Fellowship

BEAST ARCHIVES

Interview With a Charred Corpse

BEAST:  Thanks for taking the time to sit down and answer some of our questions this morning.

Charred Corpse # 0198-04-F-04:

BEAST: Ha! Oh that’s classic, nice to see you still have a sense of humor after all of this. From what we understand, you were incinerated in the 2004 assault on the city of Fallujah; can you tell us what that was like?

Charred Corpse # 0198-04-F-04:

BEAST: Fascinating. Tell us, did it hurt as much as it looks like it may have?

Charred Corpse # 0198-04-F-04:

BEAST:  We hate to correct you; after all, you were there, but according to a June 2005 article in the British newspaper The Independent, the US military didn’t drop Napalm, but rather incendiary bombs containing the substance MK77, right?

Charred Corpse # 0198-04-F-04:

BEAST:  Well excuse us for ‘splitting hairs’ sir or madam, but as you may or may not know, Napalm is an internationally reviled substance that was outlawed after Vietnam, and MK77 is quiet different, wouldn’t you agree?

Charred Corpse # 0198-04-F-04:

BEAST:  Yes, we have read those same government documents that refer to MK77 as Napalm, and correct us if we are wrong, but doesn’t MK77 have a lower concentration of benzene, making it slightly less prone to cling to flesh?

Charred Corpse # 0198-04-F-04:

BEAST:  Fair point. Burning jet fuel is burning jet fuel, and you are pretty fucked up and dead and stuff.

Charred Corpse # 0198-04-F-04:

BEAST: But what were you doing in Fallujah, anyway? I mean, weren’t you really asking for it?

Charred Corpse # 0198-04-F-04:

BEAST: Yeah, well I lived in Michigan once, but then I left.

Charred Corpse # 0198-04-F-04:

BEAST: No, Ann Arbor…I think I’d rather take my chances with the MK77 in Fallujah than live in Detroit.

Charred Corpse # 0198-04-F-04: 

BEAST: It was okay – good music scene, but the people were pretty lame. Anyway, how are the 72 virgins working out? Are they hot? We bet they ain’t virgins no more! Are we right or are we right, or are we right?

Charred Corpse # 0198-04-F-04: 

BEAST:  Oh you were an atheist – bummer.  Hey, how many hot virgins do you know anyway? Any future projects coming through the pipeline?

Charred Corpse # 0198-04-F-04: 

BEAST:  Watch out; we’ve heard working with Anne Bancroft can be like being doused with an incendiary mixture of benzene, gasoline and polystyrene.

Charred Corpse # 0198-04-F-04:

BEAST:  Zing! Of course you do. And that’ll be coming out next fall?

Charred Corpse # 0198-04-F-04:

BEAST: Great. Thanks again and best of luck.

Charred Corpse # 0198-04-F-04:

BEAST: Sorry, we’ll have to get to that next time.

Charred Corpse # 0198-04-F-04:

BEAST: Seriously, that’s all the time we have.

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

   
 

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