Allan Uthman
[Editor’s note: The BEAST is proud to present here an exclusive rush transcript from a recording of a White House ethics course conducted last Tuesday.

Collect 'em All!

From Russia with Rage

The eXile's Mark Ames on his new book and the uniquely American phenomenon of people freaking out and shooting everybody
Interview by Paul Jones

Reader Opinions
by Ian Murphy

It’s amazing what a person can accomplish with a few proper restraints, a wet cloth and steadily dripping water...

Here's Looking at you, Monkey

Our simian scribe gives us a heart to heart conversation about the benefits of designer drugs and the dangers of wearing sunglasses.


A pointed debate between two famous Italian stereotypes on Judge Samuel Alito's nomination to the Supreme Court.

Pandemic of Fear by Kit Smith
A poll taken last week by the Center for Consumer Freedom suggests that nearly half of Americans believe that H5N1, better known to the public as Avian Influenza or Bird Flu...

20 Funniest Things About Pastor Joel Osteen Going to Heaven by N. Sorrenti
20.) Famished from his long voyage through the afterlife, Joel Osteen will arrive in Heaven and be force fed seven hundred...

PBS, NPR KO CPB SOB by Jeff Dean

Kenneth Y. Tomlinson last week stepped down from his seat on the Corporation for Public Broadcasting’s board of directors. Though Tomlinson’s move was a victory for many who felt the embattled former chairman’s war on perceived liberal bias...

, you know that scene in The Devil’s Advocate when Pacino and Keanu Reeves are on the train? And Pacino tells that thug in Spanish that his woman is having sex with another man in their apartment at that very moment?

Interview with a Charred Corpse

The BEAST chats with the seared remains of corpse #0198-04-F-04, victim of a 2004 napalm attack  on Fallujah.

Losman to the rescue... and Yoda too
by Ronnie Roscoe

Hello again my faithful followers, it is the amazing Roscoe here again to give you the best sports information in the free world. It took nine games, but the Bills finally have some idea who their best quarterback is

Classic Hammer Rings Untrue For Today's Early Teens
A team of scientists at the University of Phoenix Online have found over an 18 month study that children between the ages of 13 and 15 have “little regard” for such Hammer classics as “You Can’tTouch This” and “2 Legit 2 Quit.”

Kino Korner
by Michael Gildea

THIS ISSUE: Derailed, Pride And Prejudice, Jarhead, Chicken Little, and more!

Sheer Idiocy Scores Victory Over Evolution
by Josh Righter

Proponents of sheer idiocy -- the theory that people should spend their time thinking up and then discussing improvable...

The BEAST answers your letters


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Idiot Box

Perry Bible Fellowship