TORTURE ALL-STARS TRADING CARDS!
rush transcript of a White House ethics course
Russia with Rage
promotes new book
what a person can accomplish with a few proper restraints, a wet cloth
and steadily dripping water.
LOOKING AT YOU, MONKEY
The BEAST's simian scribe gives
us a heart to heart conversation about drugs
is not a food-borne illness; so far the only people who have contracted
it live or work (in Asia) with live chickens. So why the uproar?
What are we thankful for?
Today's topic: Samuel Alito's nomination
to the Supreme Court
Our distinguished readers weigh
in on current events
NPR KO CPB SOB
Kenneth Y. Tomlinson
last week stepped down from his seat on the Corporation for Public
Broadcasting’s board of directors.
A Charred Corpse
The BEAST chats with the seared
remains of a 2004 napalm attack on Fallujah
20 FUNNIEST THINGS about Pastor Joel Osteen Going To Heaven
by N. Sorrenti
Hammer Rings Untrue For Today's Early Teens
Idiocy Scores Victory Over Evolution
THIS ISSUE: Derailed, Pride And
Prejudice, Jarhead, Chicken Little, and more!
to the rescue... and Yoda too!
by Andrew Gullerstein
BEAST PAGE 3
The BEAST answers your letters
Hammer Rings Untrue For Today's Early Teens, Study Finds
team of scientists at the University of Phoenix Online have
found over an 18 month study that children between the ages
of 13 and 15 have “little regard” for such Hammer classics
as “You can’t touch this” and “2 legit 2 quit.”
study, published November 11 by an area Kinko’s “flies in
the face” of many previously held scientific assumptions.
“Yeah it’s like they just don’t get it” says Doug Baumer,
one of scientists involved in the study and long time Hammer
rememberer, “I thought they would, I mean, come on! We were
all a little saddened by what we saw, but the data doesn’t
lie.” According to the team’s research, only 3% of
a randomly selected group of the researcher’s younger siblings
found Hammer “suitable to their tastes.”
I was not impressed” says Paul Martin, a 14 year old study
participant “I have the mind, that if that guy was all too
legit to quit or whatever, like where the hell is he now,
where is his bitch ass now with his fucked up retarded pants
UPO study has also drawn criticism from several top scientists
in the field. “With a study of this nature and magnitude
there are a lot of variables to consider” says Rhodes Scholar
Jennifer Stanton “did they control for playa hatin’ or propahness,
for instance?” Stanton and other claim the study is ‘biased’
and will not hold up under peer review.
know this study may ruffle a few feathers in the scientific
community” Baumer claims “but we didn’t do this to make
friends, we did this in the pursuit of science and nostalgia,
well mostly nostalgia and just a little bit of science,
and because Hammer is still the man. And in my estimation
as a scientist, we had little else to do.”