YOUR AD HERE - CALL (716) 856 - 4355 TO ADVERTISE


FEATURES


TORTURE ALL-STARS TRADING CARDS!

Collect 'em All!

ETHICS 666
An exclusive rush transcript of a White House ethics course
Allan Uthman

From Russia with Rage
Mark Ames promotes new book
Paul Jones

I DICK
It’s amazing what a person can accomplish with a few proper restraints, a wet cloth and steadily dripping water.
Ian Murphy

HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, MONKEY
The BEAST's simian scribe gives us a heart to heart conversation about drugs

Pandemic Of Fear
Bird Flu is not a food-borne illness; so far the only people who have contracted it live or work (in Asia) with live chickens.  So why the uproar?
Kit Smith

INFOGRAPHIC
What are we thankful for?

WOP - COUNTERWOP
Today's topic: Samuel Alito's nomination to the Supreme Court

Reader Opinions
Our distinguished readers weigh in on current events

PBS, NPR KO CPB SOB
Kenneth Y. Tomlinson last week stepped down from his seat on the Corporation for Public Broadcasting’s board of directors.
Jeff Dean

Interview With A Charred Corpse
The BEAST chats with the seared remains of a 2004 napalm attack  on Fallujah

The 20 FUNNIEST THINGS about Pastor Joel Osteen Going To Heaven
by N. Sorrenti

Classic Hammer Rings Untrue For Today's Early Teens

Sheer Idiocy Scores Victory Over Evolution


KINO KORNER
THIS ISSUE: Derailed, Pride And Prejudice, Jarhead, Chicken Little, and more!

WIDE RIGHT
Losman to the rescue... and Yoda too!

BEAST-O-SCOPES
by Andrew Gullerstein

The BEAST PAGE 3
COOL MOM

[sic]
The BEAST answers your letters

COMIX:
Idiot Box

Perry Bible Fellowship

BEAST ARCHIVES

Classic Hammer Rings Untrue For Today's Early Teens, Study Finds

A team of scientists at the University of Phoenix Online have found over an 18 month study that children between the ages of 13 and 15 have “little regard” for such Hammer classics as “You can’t touch this” and “2 legit 2 quit.”

The study, published November 11 by an area Kinko’s “flies in the face” of many previously held scientific assumptions.  “Yeah it’s like they just don’t get it” says Doug Baumer, one of scientists involved in the study and long time Hammer rememberer, “I thought they would, I mean, come on! We were all a little saddened by what we saw, but the data doesn’t lie.”  According to the team’s research, only 3% of a randomly selected group of the researcher’s younger siblings found Hammer “suitable to their tastes.”

“No, I was not impressed” says Paul Martin, a 14 year old study participant “I have the mind, that if that guy was all too legit to quit or whatever, like where the hell is he now, where is his bitch ass now with his fucked up retarded pants and shit?”

The UPO study has also drawn criticism from several top scientists in the field. “With a study of this nature and magnitude there are a lot of variables to consider” says Rhodes Scholar Jennifer Stanton “did they control for playa hatin’ or propahness, for instance?” Stanton and other claim the study is ‘biased’ and will not hold up under peer review.

“I know this study may ruffle a few feathers in the scientific community” Baumer claims “but we didn’t do this to make friends, we did this in the pursuit of science and nostalgia, well mostly nostalgia and just a little bit of science, and because Hammer is still the man. And in my estimation as a scientist, we had little else to do.”

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

   
 

© Copyright 2002-2005, The Beast. All rights reserved.