Classic Hammer Rings Untrue For Today's Early Teens, Study Finds

A team of scientists at the University of Phoenix Online have found over an 18 month study that children between the ages of 13 and 15 have “little regard” for such Hammer classics as “You can’t touch this” and “2 legit 2 quit.”

The study, published November 11 by an area Kinko’s “flies in the face” of many previously held scientific assumptions.  “Yeah it’s like they just don’t get it” says Doug Baumer, one of scientists involved in the study and long time Hammer rememberer, “I thought they would, I mean, come on! We were all a little saddened by what we saw, but the data doesn’t lie.”  According to the team’s research, only 3% of a randomly selected group of the researcher’s younger siblings found Hammer “suitable to their tastes.”

“No, I was not impressed” says Paul Martin, a 14 year old study participant “I have the mind, that if that guy was all too legit to quit or whatever, like where the hell is he now, where is his bitch ass now with his fucked up retarded pants and shit?”

The UPO study has also drawn criticism from several top scientists in the field. “With a study of this nature and magnitude there are a lot of variables to consider” says Rhodes Scholar Jennifer Stanton “did they control for playa hatin’ or propahness, for instance?” Stanton and other claim the study is ‘biased’ and will not hold up under peer review.

“I know this study may ruffle a few feathers in the scientific community” Baumer claims “but we didn’t do this to make friends, we did this in the pursuit of science and nostalgia, well mostly nostalgia and just a little bit of science, and because Hammer is still the man. And in my estimation as a scientist, we had little else to do.”