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ETHICS 666
An exclusive rush transcript of a White House ethics course
Allan Uthman

From Russia with Rage
Mark Ames promotes new book
Paul Jones

I DICK
Itís amazing what a person can accomplish with a few proper restraints, a wet cloth and steadily dripping water.
Ian Murphy

HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, MONKEY
The BEAST's simian scribe gives us a heart to heart conversation about drugs

Pandemic Of Fear
Bird Flu is not a food-borne illness; so far the only people who have contracted it live or work (in Asia) with live chickens.  So why the uproar?
Kit Smith

INFOGRAPHIC
What are we thankful for?

WOP - COUNTERWOP
Today's topic: Samuel Alito's nomination to the Supreme Court

Reader Opinions
Our distinguished readers weigh in on current events

PBS, NPR KO CPB SOB
Kenneth Y. Tomlinson last week stepped down from his seat on the Corporation for Public Broadcasting’s board of directors.
Jeff Dean

Interview With A Charred Corpse
The BEAST chats with the seared remains of a 2004 napalm attack  on Fallujah

The 20 FUNNIEST THINGS about Pastor Joel Osteen Going To Heaven
by N. Sorrenti

Classic Hammer Rings Untrue For Today's Early Teens

Sheer Idiocy Scores Victory Over Evolution


KINO KORNER
THIS ISSUE: Derailed, Pride And Prejudice, Jarhead, Chicken Little, and more!

WIDE RIGHT
Losman to the rescue... and Yoda too!

BEAST-O-SCOPES
by Andrew Gullerstein

The BEAST PAGE 3
COOL MOM

[sic]
The BEAST answers your letters

COMIX:
Idiot Box

Perry Bible Fellowship

BEAST ARCHIVES


Issue #88 --- Nov. 16 - Nov. 30 2005

 

Scorpio, you know that scene in The Devilís Advocate when Pacino and Keanu Reeves are on the train? And Pacino tells that thug in Spanish that his woman is having sex with another man in their apartment at that very moment? Well, I donít speak or write Spanish, but Aries, your best friend, is drilling your beloved Virgo right now. Donít wait! Return to your place at once, Scorpio, and bring a gun! Do it now and itís textbook manslaughter. Youíll thank me at the sentencing.


Sagittarius, youíre hopelessly vain and a blowhard, but I donít hate you. Nay, I pity you. Your ďfriendsĒ have been dosing your Taco Bell with a slow poison for the last five months. You thought the searing intestinal pain and multicolored stools were a natural consequence of thinking ďoutside the bun.Ē An understandable, but fatal, misjudgment.


Capricorn, what exactly is a hedge fund anyway? You hear about them all the time. Hell, Iíve even pretended to know all about them at parties. But, lately Iíve really started to wonder: What the hell are theyóand why exactly do I feel compelled to drive complete strangers heedlessly toward financial ruin? Any thoughts?


Aquarius, the more I think about it, the angrier I get. Fruit for Halloween?!


Aries, you know that scene in The Devilís Advocate when Pacino and Keanu Reeves are on the subway? And Pacino, speaking Spanish, tells that thug his woman is betraying him at that exact moment with another man? No? You say youíve never even seen The Devilís Advocate? Huh. Forget it, then. Oh, and Virgo likes two in the pink and one in the stink. There you go, thatís it!


I donít get you, Cancer. You pine and pine over a woman. She confides in you that she harbors serious doubts about your buggering roommate. Only, instead of seizing the moment, you reassure her and send her right to backdoor Santa. So, you have a small unit. Big deal! Would showing her really be more shameful than masturbating to her muffled screams in the next room? Trust me sheíd probably be relieved to see your little mushroom at this point.

It was all going to be so simple, Leo. A quick score, some easy cash. What made you think the answer to all your financial woes lay in some shady classified ad? Do you even know what ďsmackĒ is, Leo? Now, youíre a punch line on Leno. Leno!

 Virgo, you know that scene in The Devilís Advocate, at the end when all those souls are churning on the walls in Pacinoís office? Freaky, right? Anyway, you have us to thank for Ariesí handiwork.


Hey, Libra, can you do us a solid? Scorpioís on his way back to the apartment unexpectedly. He forgot his keys at the office. Would you mind hanging around to buzz him in? Thanks. I knew I could count on you, Libra. And, listen, if something awful should happen, remember: Itís all your fault.
   

 

 

 

 

 

 

   
 

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