Issue #88 --- Nov. 16 - Nov. 30 2005

Scorpio, you know that scene in The Devil’s Advocate when Pacino and Keanu Reeves are on the train? And Pacino tells that thug in Spanish that his woman is having sex with another man in their apartment at that very moment? Well, I don’t speak or write Spanish, but Aries, your best friend, is drilling your beloved Virgo right now. Don’t wait! Return to your place at once, Scorpio, and bring a gun! Do it now and it’s textbook manslaughter. You’ll thank me at the sentencing.

Sagittarius, you’re hopelessly vain and a blowhard, but I don’t hate you. Nay, I pity you. Your “friends” have been dosing your Taco Bell with a slow poison for the last five months. You thought the searing intestinal pain and multicolored stools were a natural consequence of thinking “outside the bun.” An understandable, but fatal, misjudgment.

Capricorn, what exactly is a hedge fund anyway? You hear about them all the time. Hell, I’ve even pretended to know all about them at parties. But, lately I’ve really started to wonder: What the hell are they—and why exactly do I feel compelled to drive complete strangers heedlessly toward financial ruin? Any thoughts?

Aquarius, the more I think about it, the angrier I get. Fruit for Halloween?!

Aries, you know that scene in The Devil’s Advocate when Pacino and Keanu Reeves are on the subway? And Pacino, speaking Spanish, tells that thug his woman is betraying him at that exact moment with another man? No? You say you’ve never even seen The Devil’s Advocate? Huh. Forget it, then. Oh, and Virgo likes two in the pink and one in the stink. There you go, that’s it!

I don’t get you, Cancer. You pine and pine over a woman. She confides in you that she harbors serious doubts about your buggering roommate. Only, instead of seizing the moment, you reassure her and send her right to backdoor Santa. So, you have a small unit. Big deal! Would showing her really be more shameful than masturbating to her muffled screams in the next room? Trust me she’d probably be relieved to see your little mushroom at this point.

It was all going to be so simple, Leo. A quick score, some easy cash. What made you think the answer to all your financial woes lay in some shady classified ad? Do you even know what “smack” is, Leo? Now, you’re a punch line on Leno. Leno!

 Virgo, you know that scene in The Devil’s Advocate, at the end when all those souls are churning on the walls in Pacino’s office? Freaky, right? Anyway, you have us to thank for Aries’ handiwork.

Hey, Libra, can you do us a solid? Scorpio’s on his way back to the apartment unexpectedly. He forgot his keys at the office. Would you mind hanging around to buzz him in? Thanks. I knew I could count on you, Libra. And, listen, if something awful should happen, remember: It’s all your fault.