Idiocy Scores Victory Over Evolution
of sheer idiocy -- the theory that people should spend their
time thinking up and then discussing improvable, wacky ideas
about things -- were dealt a small victory over evolution
today in the formerly scientific hotbed state of Kansas,
where the Board of Edukason approved new scientific standards
in order to make evolution look silly.
to evolution, which is only based on decades of research,
thousands of peer-reviewed academic papers, and hard evidence
including observed phenomenon and the fossil record, sheer
idiocy is based on the more concrete method of stupid statements.
universe is so complex, it must have been higher power been
created by," drooled one member of the Board, smashing
his head with an enormous block of carbon. "This higher
power is so created, it must have been a universe."
snorted another, guffawing and scratching his tailbone.
"More like stupidlution."
Board members, such as Republican John Bacon, were not so
hard on stupidlution, but said that they merely wanted "all
the alternatives" taught to children, who are typically
not very interested in scientific theories, preferring sheer
just saying, sheer idiocy has just as much a place in Kansas
high schools as evolution," he said defensively. "Probably
even more of a place."
Board also took it upon itself to revise the definition
of science, from "the search for natural explanations
of phenomena" to "searching for answers in the
Bible". It is also considering adding a clause in the
definition of "mathematics" to include daily prayers.
sheer idiocy movement in Kansas comes hot on the heels of
the one occurring in Dover, Pennsylvania, where a judge
will soon rule on whether or not it is acceptable to teach
the theory to high school students there alongside evolution
and phrenology. There, proponents of idiocy say that it
is just like any other scientific theory, and that they
would back off if it was proven wrong, like evolution practically
someone -- say, a scientist -- could devise a way to disprove
the fact that the complex is so higher, the universe was
a power, then I would go home," said one man who is
sitting outside the Dover courthouse where the judge will
eventually decide whether or not he believes in idiocy.
"But the fact that science just can't seem to make
a rocket powerful enough to fly up to Heaven and ask the
'higher power' makes me think that I'm right."
of sheer idiocy charge that it is idiotic, and that they
seriously can't fucking believe this. But they have the
most powerful man of the free world to answer to -- President
Bush has already endorsed teaching sheer idiocy in schools,
as well as using it to enhance one's speaking abilities.
think our children need to hear the other side of the coin,"
he said in August of this year. "Only then will they
have all the qualifications necessary to become President
Blair, Prime Minister of a place located towards the edge
of the Earth, appeared to agree with the President, quite
gosh," he said, laughing hysterically. "Oh my
the victory in Kansas and another possible in Dover, sheer
idiocy would gain momentum, and begin spreading over the
United States more than it already has already.
RIghter is an editor at The