Collect 'em All!

An exclusive rush transcript of a White House ethics course
Allan Uthman

From Russia with Rage
Mark Ames promotes new book
Paul Jones

It’s amazing what a person can accomplish with a few proper restraints, a wet cloth and steadily dripping water.
Ian Murphy

The BEAST's simian scribe gives us a heart to heart conversation about drugs

Pandemic Of Fear
Bird Flu is not a food-borne illness; so far the only people who have contracted it live or work (in Asia) with live chickens.  So why the uproar?
Kit Smith

What are we thankful for?

Today's topic: Samuel Alito's nomination to the Supreme Court

Reader Opinions
Our distinguished readers weigh in on current events

Kenneth Y. Tomlinson last week stepped down from his seat on the Corporation for Public Broadcasting’s board of directors.
Jeff Dean

Interview With A Charred Corpse
The BEAST chats with the seared remains of a 2004 napalm attack  on Fallujah

The 20 FUNNIEST THINGS about Pastor Joel Osteen Going To Heaven
by N. Sorrenti

Classic Hammer Rings Untrue For Today's Early Teens

Sheer Idiocy Scores Victory Over Evolution

THIS ISSUE: Derailed, Pride And Prejudice, Jarhead, Chicken Little, and more!

Losman to the rescue... and Yoda too!

by Andrew Gullerstein


The BEAST answers your letters

Idiot Box

Perry Bible Fellowship


issue #88


Early Withdrawl Penalty


I started receiving your publication at my work address a couple months ago. I did not order it. I do know Paul Fallon (tell him I said hello) so maybe thats why it started showing up. Just the same please discontinue sending it. Thanks

Urmas Lupkin

C/O M&T Bank

Dear Urmas,


Great, This Guy Again

Uth, Uth, Uth,

You one SORRY little bitch!  I realize a third response to your weak ass shit might not make it in the next Beast but they do say three times is a charm so here it go.  First of all, like I said the last time, if you gonna try and step to me then come correct sucka.  I didn't say that the crimes or the terrorism are fictional.  I said the "problem" of them were (see that's why I put the quotes around the word problem).  Yes shuffle foot when a brutha robs a muthafucka or a Palestinian kills a bunch of muthafuckas something non-fictional happened.  What is fiction is what the oppressors, who created the systematic persecution and neglect in the first place

SAY is the root of the black/Palestinian act. Bennett, you and other crakkas look at the RESULTS of crakka oppression, stop there, and then say "Gee, how are we going to get a handle on the problem?"  Now see you ARE right when you say that to fix a problem the CAUSE of it must be addressed SO DO THAT THEN FOOL! The REAL problem today is the same as it has been since Columbus.  You even said it yourself SYSTEMATIC PERSECUTION AND NEGLECT.  The creators of this have been and are presently crakkas and their groupies. The SOLUTION is to abandon/dismantle ALL the institutions crakkas and their groupies have created. This DOESN'T mean, by the way, that oppressed people should go around and start killing crakkas like that fool said the other day.  Crakkas who recognize that their "civilizations" in all their guises (amerikkkan democracy, Russian communist, European slave/colonial) have been COMPLETE and TOTAL failures can do something by just abandoning the systems.  This, of course, ain't gonna happen because the fact is y'all just too damn comfortable with the status quo.  When you are kinda bothered with the state of things you would much rather invent some kinda crakka "liberal" group to save the whales or support "affirmative action" or whatever.

SO, you REALLY want to make shit better?  Then do like Uth says.  Address the PROBLEM whiteys.  DON'T scapegoat the victims of white "civilization".


Got it NOW Uth?

Drew Collins

Uthman responds:

Oh yes, Drew, I got it! I’m glad you finally have seen the light and agree with me. One question: Once we have abandoned/dismantled all our institutions and such, with what shall we replace them? I mean, I’m all for egalitarian revolution and whatnot, but I’m also way into running water and electricity. And food. Medicine can be pretty handy, too. Anyway, good luck with that. Kill whitey!

Cut Off Critic


I can't get into my fucking BEAST address. Here's what I get when I go to check it:

This is the Plesk default page

If you see this page it means:

1) hosting for this domain is not configured or

2) there's no such domain registered in Plesk.

There's some really great spam that I'm missing out on as well as some wonderful investment opportunities from Africa that demand my banking information that won't wait forever. Please get your shit together so I can get rich quick and get the fake rolexes and Louis Vitton manpurses I so desperately need.


(P.S. Seriously---what gives with the mail?)

We switched servers, dude. Now you can access your spam at lightning speed! Sorry we forgot to tell you. In order to atone for this maladministration, and for fecklessly hindering your pursuit of filthy lucre, we are pleased to offer you compensation in the amount of $25,000,000 American currency. We are able to do this because our uncle is a member of the royal family of Nigeria. Please forward to us your bank account information, so that we may wire your remuneration posthaste. While you’re waiting for your cash, why not try seeing a movie? 

Anarchy In The You Gay

So Malcolm McLaren has a t-shirt.  He doesn't know what to do.  He could sew a dildo onto it, but then it couldn't be massed produced.  He can write "Fuck the royals" on it with marker, but if the kids find out his secret process, they'll be tempted to do it themselves, at home.

"I know!" he yells.  "A swastika! These'll sell like fuckin' hotcakes!"

So he rushed out and formed a band to dress.

Way to suck the shit out of one of the greatest rock and roll swindlers' asses and call it caviar.

Malcolm McLaren was responsible for the rise of British punk in all its dumb, myopic, bondage-pantsed-and-gobbing glory.  His personal creation, Sid Vicious, more cartoon than man, embodied every idiotic and disingenuous trend of that "movement" and rode that horse all the way to his timely death, to be lionized like any other dope-addled rockstar, anti-pop prentionsions aside.

Yeah... reconfiguring Gameboys for a "bitpop" "revolution".  Slick.  I hear he's trying to refine the oil from snakes to make some sort of super ultra-rock-serum.  You guys might want to check that out.

McLaren had his finger on the pulse of punk... when he was sucking all the blood out of it. To heroicize him, and ironically present his business moves as a way of combatting "homogenous and safe" commercial music is laughable.  Without Sex, his boutique, punk fashion wouldn't be uniform.  Without a living, breathing, shitting, bleeding culture to swaddle in his clothes, Malcolm McLaren would be no one.

The man likes his cash.  You'd do better than suck off this cultural vampire, like any savvy businessman, but worse, a man who'll inevitably take anything genuine that you have and love, slap a price-tag on it, and make you buy it back.

-clay byrd

So, Clay, what exactly is your idea of real, good punk rock? Let us guess—Green Day? No, you’re too cool for those posers, right? You’re into the monotonous poli-sci punk of Bad Religion. Or maybe you really do dig deep—Black Flag? Crass? Big fucking deal. The Sex Pistols will always be the greatest punk band ever, and maybe the only punk band ever. McLaren is, of course, a swindler; that is his art form. But without him there’d be no Pistols, no PiL, no Joy Division, no Clash, no Bad Brains, and guess what? No Crass, no Bad Religion, no Subhumanz, no Black Flag, no Dead Kennedys, no Green Day. No punk rock. And without the fashion, your friends would be dressed like the fucking Ramones. Does that sound like a better world to you?

McLaren may be the PT Barnum of modern music, but you should probably recognize that that makes him about 875,984,098 times cooler and better than you. What the fuck have you done, Clay, aside from bitch about how other, more interesting people aren’t perfect according to your anal-retentive standards? Shit. We’d rather hear some “bitpop” than that any day, no matter how much it sounds like New Order.

W. M. Duh!

Hey -- brilliant piece on how we're all suckers to war intelligence [“All Day Suckers,” issue 87]. The lack of memory in this country will be its downfall I believe. Just look at Veternans Day, which used to be Armistice Day until Eisenhower changed it. Anyway, I've been fowarding your piece to all my friends --


John Freeman

Thanks for your laudatory comments, as well as your promotional enterprise on our behalf. You’re right, it’s critically important to keep reminding Americans that…Wait, what were we talking about?

Primate Praise

Hey Beasties, your Monkey wrote a great article about Tenet [Tenet & the Bare Necessities,” issue 85]. Just stupid enough to keep me interested. It's weird how after all these eons of evolution we still act like baboons when we are together. Maybe our designer isn't all that intelligent after all. Speaking of dumb, I still think William Bennett is, but I guess you guys have a point about that.

Oh yea, Ask a Janajiweed Warrior was fucking great too. Generally, you guys are awesome - but who gives a shit about the Bills? Oh well, gotta tip the helmet to the hometown I guess. I don't live there so I'm sure the paper would be great, but the web site is pretty awesome too. It's good to see someone out there still has some balls.

Rock on,


Stinky, we were so moved by your letter and your idiotic name, we’ve decided to let you in on a shocking BEAST secret: the monkey column isn’t penned by a monkey. No. It’s actually written by a thousand monkeys pounding away at a thousand PCs deep in the bowels of BEAST headquarters. Last week they gave us a manuscript titled “As You Like It Part 2,” but it was written in this pretentious archaic dialect, so we threw it out. Tell no one, Stinky, for we do have balls that hang far and wide over a vast dominion. We’d hate to crush you with our nuts.

P.S. The one-monkey column? It’s Tom Friedman’s.









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