Early Withdrawl Penalty
I started receiving your
publication at my work address a couple months ago. I did
not order it. I do know Paul Fallon (tell him I said hello)
so maybe thats why it started showing up. Just the same
please discontinue sending it. Thanks
C/O M&T Bank
This Guy Again
Uth, Uth, Uth,
You one SORRY little bitch!
I realize a third response to your weak ass shit might not
make it in the next Beast but they do say three times is
a charm so here it go. First of all, like I said the
last time, if you gonna try and step to me then come correct
sucka. I didn't say that the crimes or the terrorism
are fictional. I said the "problem" of them
were (see that's why I put the quotes around the word problem).
Yes shuffle foot when a brutha robs a muthafucka or a Palestinian
kills a bunch of muthafuckas something non-fictional happened.
What is fiction is what the oppressors, who created the
systematic persecution and neglect in the first place
SAY is the root of the
black/Palestinian act. Bennett, you and other crakkas look
at the RESULTS of crakka oppression, stop there, and then
say "Gee, how are we going to get a handle on the problem?"
Now see you ARE right when you say that to fix a problem
the CAUSE of it must be addressed SO DO THAT THEN FOOL!
The REAL problem today is the same as it has been since
Columbus. You even said it yourself SYSTEMATIC PERSECUTION
AND NEGLECT. The creators of this have been and are
presently crakkas and their groupies. The SOLUTION is to
abandon/dismantle ALL the institutions crakkas and their
groupies have created. This DOESN'T mean, by the way, that
oppressed people should go around and start killing crakkas
like that fool said the other day. Crakkas who recognize
that their "civilizations" in all their guises
(amerikkkan democracy, Russian communist, European slave/colonial)
have been COMPLETE and TOTAL failures can do something by
just abandoning the systems. This, of course, ain't
gonna happen because the fact is y'all just too damn comfortable
with the status quo. When you are kinda bothered with
the state of things you would much rather invent some kinda
crakka "liberal" group to save the whales or support
"affirmative action" or whatever.
SO, you REALLY want to
make shit better? Then do like Uth says. Address
the PROBLEM whiteys. DON'T scapegoat the victims of
ABDICATE THE THRONE Y'ALL!
Got it NOW Uth?
yes, Drew, I got it! I’m glad you finally have seen the
light and agree with me. One question: Once we have abandoned/dismantled
all our institutions and such, with what shall we replace
them? I mean, I’m all for egalitarian revolution and whatnot,
but I’m also way into running water and electricity. And
food. Medicine can be pretty handy, too. Anyway, good luck
with that. Kill whitey!
I can't get into my fucking
BEAST address. Here's what I get when I go to check it:
This is the Plesk default
If you see this page it
1) hosting for this domain
is not configured or
2) there's no such domain
registered in Plesk.
There's some really great
spam that I'm missing out on as well as some wonderful investment
opportunities from Africa that demand my banking information
that won't wait forever. Please get your shit together so
I can get rich quick and get the fake rolexes and Louis
Vitton manpurses I so desperately need.
gives with the mail?)
switched servers, dude. Now you can access your spam at
lightning speed! Sorry we forgot to tell you. In order to
atone for this maladministration, and for fecklessly hindering
your pursuit of filthy lucre, we are pleased to offer you
compensation in the amount of $25,000,000 American currency.
We are able to do this because our uncle is a member of
the royal family of Nigeria. Please forward to us your bank
account information, so that we may wire your remuneration
posthaste. While you’re waiting for your cash, why not try
seeing a movie?
In The You Gay
So Malcolm McLaren has
a t-shirt. He doesn't know what to do. He could
sew a dildo onto it, but then it couldn't be massed produced.
He can write "Fuck the royals" on it with marker,
but if the kids find out his secret process, they'll be
tempted to do it themselves, at home.
"I know!" he
yells. "A swastika! These'll sell like fuckin'
So he rushed out and formed
a band to dress.
Way to suck the shit out
of one of the greatest rock and roll swindlers' asses and
call it caviar.
Malcolm McLaren was responsible
for the rise of British punk in all its dumb, myopic, bondage-pantsed-and-gobbing
glory. His personal creation, Sid Vicious, more cartoon
than man, embodied every idiotic and disingenuous trend
of that "movement" and rode that horse all the
way to his timely death, to be lionized like any other dope-addled
rockstar, anti-pop prentionsions aside.
Gameboys for a "bitpop" "revolution".
Slick. I hear he's trying to refine the oil from snakes
to make some sort of super ultra-rock-serum. You guys
might want to check that out.
McLaren had his finger
on the pulse of punk... when he was sucking all the blood
out of it. To heroicize him, and ironically present his
business moves as a way of combatting "homogenous and
safe" commercial music is laughable. Without
Sex, his boutique, punk fashion wouldn't be uniform.
Without a living, breathing, shitting, bleeding culture
to swaddle in his clothes, Malcolm McLaren would be no one.
The man likes his cash.
You'd do better than suck off this cultural vampire, like
any savvy businessman, but worse, a man who'll inevitably
take anything genuine that you have and love, slap a price-tag
on it, and make you buy it back.
Clay, what exactly is your idea of real, good punk rock?
Let us guess—Green Day? No, you’re too cool for those posers,
right? You’re into the monotonous poli-sci punk of Bad Religion.
Or maybe you really do dig deep—Black Flag? Crass? Big fucking
deal. The Sex Pistols will always be the greatest punk band
ever, and maybe the only punk band ever. McLaren is, of
course, a swindler; that is his art form. But without him
there’d be no Pistols, no PiL, no Joy Division, no Clash,
no Bad Brains, and guess what? No Crass, no Bad Religion,
no Subhumanz, no Black Flag, no Dead Kennedys, no Green
Day. No punk rock. And without the fashion, your friends
would be dressed like the fucking Ramones. Does that sound
like a better world to you?
may be the PT Barnum of modern music, but you should probably
recognize that that makes him about 875,984,098 times cooler
and better than you. What the fuck have you done, Clay,
aside from bitch about how other, more interesting people
aren’t perfect according to your anal-retentive standards?
Shit. We’d rather hear some “bitpop” than that any day,
no matter how much it sounds like New Order.
Hey -- brilliant piece
on how we're all suckers to war intelligence [“All
Day Suckers,” issue 87]. The lack of memory in this
country will be its downfall I believe. Just look at Veternans
Day, which used to be Armistice Day until Eisenhower changed
it. Anyway, I've been fowarding your piece to all my friends
for your laudatory comments, as well as your promotional
enterprise on our behalf. You’re right, it’s critically
important to keep reminding Americans that…Wait, what were
we talking about?
Hey Beasties, your Monkey
wrote a great article about Tenet [“Tenet
& the Bare Necessities,” issue 85]. Just stupid
enough to keep me interested. It's weird how after all these
eons of evolution we still act like baboons when we are
together. Maybe our designer isn't all that intelligent
after all. Speaking of dumb, I still think William Bennett
is, but I guess you guys have a point about that.
Oh yea, Ask a Janajiweed
Warrior was fucking great too. Generally, you guys are awesome
- but who gives a shit about the Bills? Oh well, gotta tip
the helmet to the hometown I guess. I don't live there so
I'm sure the paper would be great, but the web site is pretty
awesome too. It's good to see someone out there still has
we were so moved by your letter and your idiotic name, we’ve
decided to let you in on a shocking BEAST secret: the monkey
column isn’t penned by a monkey. No. It’s actually written
by a thousand monkeys pounding away at a thousand PCs deep
in the bowels of BEAST headquarters. Last week they gave
us a manuscript titled “As You Like It Part 2,” but it was
written in this pretentious archaic dialect, so we threw
it out. Tell no one, Stinky, for we do have balls that hang
far and wide over a vast dominion. We’d hate to crush you
with our nuts.
The one-monkey column? It’s Tom Friedman’s.