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ETHICS
666
An exclusive
rush transcript of a White House ethics course
Allan Uthman
From
Russia with Rage
Mark Ames
promotes new book
Paul Jones
I
 DICK
It’s amazing
what a person can accomplish with a few proper restraints, a wet cloth
and steadily dripping water.
Ian Murphy
HERE'S
LOOKING AT YOU, MONKEY
The BEAST's simian scribe gives
us a heart to heart conversation about drugs
Pandemic
Of Fear
Bird Flu
is not a food-borne illness; so far the only people who have contracted
it live or work (in Asia) with live chickens. So why the uproar?
Kit
Smith
INFOGRAPHIC
What are we thankful for?
WOP
- COUNTERWOP
Today's topic: Samuel Alito's nomination
to the Supreme Court
Reader
Opinions
Our distinguished readers weigh
in on current events
PBS,
NPR KO CPB SOB
Kenneth Y. Tomlinson
last week stepped down from his seat on the Corporation for Public
Broadcasting’s board of directors.
Jeff
Dean
Interview
With
A Charred Corpse
The BEAST chats with the seared
remains of a 2004 napalm attack on Fallujah
The
20 FUNNIEST THINGS about Pastor Joel Osteen Going To Heaven
by N. Sorrenti
Classic
Hammer Rings Untrue For Today's Early Teens
Sheer
Idiocy Scores Victory Over Evolution
KINO
KORNER
THIS ISSUE: Derailed, Pride And
Prejudice, Jarhead, Chicken Little, and more!
WIDE
RIGHT
Losman
to the rescue... and Yoda too!
BEAST-O-SCOPES
by Andrew Gullerstein
The
BEAST PAGE 3
COOL MOM
[sic]
The BEAST answers your letters
COMIX:
Idiot
Box
Perry
Bible Fellowship
BEAST
ARCHIVES
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Wop/Counterwop
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- I
likea this guy, Alito, ah. He makea the Italians
looka good. He’sa go to Yale—that’sa the Ivya League!
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- Utsamattafayou?!
The Ivya League, she’s no likea the Italians. Alito,
he’sa Italian likea the Olive Garden—or likea you
ravioli.
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- You
justa jealous, ah? Alito, he’sa respecta for the
famiglia, ah? The sanctity ofa life, ah?
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- Respecta
for the famiglia?! Ifa he’s electa to the Suprema
Court, a woman, she’sa suck outta the baby witha
what? Plumba’sa helpa! That’sa for the doctor, ah!
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- I
don’ta likea the judiciala acativism, ah. Alito
he’sa follow the constitution, nota cut it uppa
likea the pizza.
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- You
wanna talka judiciala acativism? What abouta the
Scalia, ah? He no likea the congress! He anda Alito,
they shoota more holes ina the constitution thana
Luckya Luciano!
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- I
thinka you been eata too many musharoom or breaka
too many bricksa witha you head, ah? Alito, he gonna
follow the law, nota hisa personala beliefs. That’sa
what he said.
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- That’sa
nota whata he saysa when he wanta the job lasta
time. What makesa you think he tella the truth now,
ah?
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- Diannea
Feinastein, she’sa believe in him. Besides, he alsoa
said he believes ina stronga nationala defense anda
good policea force.
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- This
guy, he remindsa me ofa Il Duce! There’sa gonna
be Koopa Troopas goosea-steppin’ downa the streets!
You wait.
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- Stilla,
I don’ta care for thisa namea “Scalito.” It’sa racist,
making the fun ofa his anda Scalia’s backaround.
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- Issa
reference to hisa judicial philosphia! And I don’ta
think you anda me gonna getta no inavitation to
no Italian American Founadationa dinner anyatimea
soona eitha.
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- That’sa
for sure, ah!? Hey, dida I forgetta to mention:
Alito, he’sa no likea the blacks anda the Latinos.
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- Eh,
why don’ta you saysa that ina the firsta place!
I guessa he’sa real paesano after all!
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