YOUR AD HERE - CALL (716) 856 - 4355 TO ADVERTISE


FEATURES


TORTURE ALL-STARS TRADING CARDS!

Collect 'em All!

ETHICS 666
An exclusive rush transcript of a White House ethics course
Allan Uthman

From Russia with Rage
Mark Ames promotes new book
Paul Jones

I DICK
It’s amazing what a person can accomplish with a few proper restraints, a wet cloth and steadily dripping water.
Ian Murphy

HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, MONKEY
The BEAST's simian scribe gives us a heart to heart conversation about drugs

Pandemic Of Fear
Bird Flu is not a food-borne illness; so far the only people who have contracted it live or work (in Asia) with live chickens.  So why the uproar?
Kit Smith

INFOGRAPHIC
What are we thankful for?

WOP - COUNTERWOP
Today's topic: Samuel Alito's nomination to the Supreme Court

Reader Opinions
Our distinguished readers weigh in on current events

PBS, NPR KO CPB SOB
Kenneth Y. Tomlinson last week stepped down from his seat on the Corporation for Public Broadcasting’s board of directors.
Jeff Dean

Interview With A Charred Corpse
The BEAST chats with the seared remains of a 2004 napalm attack  on Fallujah

The 20 FUNNIEST THINGS about Pastor Joel Osteen Going To Heaven
by N. Sorrenti

Classic Hammer Rings Untrue For Today's Early Teens

Sheer Idiocy Scores Victory Over Evolution


KINO KORNER
THIS ISSUE: Derailed, Pride And Prejudice, Jarhead, Chicken Little, and more!

WIDE RIGHT
Losman to the rescue... and Yoda too!

BEAST-O-SCOPES
by Andrew Gullerstein

The BEAST PAGE 3
COOL MOM

[sic]
The BEAST answers your letters

COMIX:
Idiot Box

Perry Bible Fellowship

BEAST ARCHIVES

Wop/Counterwop

 
  • I likea this guy, Alito, ah. He makea the Italians looka good. He’sa go to Yale—that’sa the Ivya League!
  • Utsamattafayou?! The Ivya League, she’s no likea the Italians. Alito, he’sa Italian likea the Olive Garden—or likea you ravioli.
 
  • You justa jealous, ah? Alito, he’sa respecta for the famiglia, ah? The sanctity ofa life, ah?
  • Respecta for the famiglia?! Ifa he’s electa to the Suprema Court, a woman, she’sa suck outta the baby witha what? Plumba’sa helpa! That’sa for the doctor, ah!
 
  • I don’ta likea the judiciala acativism, ah. Alito he’sa follow the constitution, nota cut it uppa likea the pizza.
  • You wanna talka judiciala acativism? What abouta the Scalia, ah? He no likea the congress! He anda Alito, they shoota more holes ina the constitution thana Luckya Luciano!
 
  • I thinka you been eata too many musharoom or breaka too many bricksa witha you head, ah? Alito, he gonna follow the law, nota hisa personala beliefs. That’sa what he said.
  • That’sa nota whata he saysa when he wanta the job lasta time. What makesa you think he tella the truth now, ah?
 
  • Diannea Feinastein, she’sa believe in him. Besides, he alsoa said he believes ina stronga nationala defense anda good policea force.
  • This guy, he remindsa me ofa Il Duce! There’sa gonna be Koopa Troopas goosea-steppin’ downa the streets! You wait.
 
  • Stilla, I don’ta care for thisa namea “Scalito.” It’sa racist, making the fun ofa his anda Scalia’s backaround.
  • Issa reference to hisa judicial philosphia! And I don’ta think you anda me gonna getta no inavitation to no Italian American Founadationa dinner anyatimea soona eitha.
 
  • That’sa for sure, ah!? Hey, dida I forgetta to mention: Alito, he’sa no likea the blacks anda the Latinos.
  • Eh, why don’ta you saysa that ina the firsta place! I guessa he’sa real paesano after all!
 
   

 

 

 

 

 

 

   
 

© Copyright 2002-2005, The Beast. All rights reserved.