Samuel
Alito Once Had An Abortion, Records Show
Josh Righter
Documents
from over twenty years ago reveal that Supreme Court Justice
Nominee Samuel Alito (SCJNSA) once had an abortion (OHAA),
making Democrats, Republicans, and Whigs all reconsider
their views on the man/woman.
"This
could mean that Alito likes abortion, which would mean
that I reverse my earlier statements about him,"
said New York Sen. Charles Schumer, drooling. "On
the other hand, if it was an accidental abortion where
he fell on top of a coat hanger or something like that,
then he's still a dick and I hate him."
Schumer's
careful caution about Alito could be considered warranted,
since the fact that Alito had an abortion is confusing
given other records in which he states that he hates abortions
and thinks people who have them are hussies.
"Maybe
he's one of those self-hating abortionists!" shouted
Edward Kennedy (D-MA) in a recent Senate meeting. "They
have those now, my servant read it to me off the news
ticker!"
"...Mr.
Kennedy, did you have a question about oil companies and
energy policy?" asked Majority Leader Bill Frist
after everyone had silently stared at Kennedy for a few
seconds. Kennedy did not reply, because he had fallen
back to sleep.
Conservatives,
meanwhile, have chosen to take the news optimistically,
speculating that it was Alito's abortion that drove him
to his alleged current views on not liking abortion.
"Having
to get an abortion because you were attracted to one too
many rough tricks at a truck stop near my house is a painful,
degrading experience that would definitely make you hate
abortion forever," said Sen. Lisa Murkowski, R-Alaska.
"I would think."
"Alito
got to do it, but he doesn't want anyone else to do it,"
said Republican Congressman Tom DeLay. "That sounds
reasonable to me.
Alito
was once thought of as a shoe-in for automatic confirmation
to the Supreme Court, since he is the successor to previous
nominee and current McDonald's employee Harriet Miers,
resulting in what scientists call "Ugly Friend Syndrome",
where "seeing a bitch's nasty-ass friend makes the
bitch herself look much more bangable", according
to Dr. Julius Slorginski at MIT. But thanks to these new
revelations, the possibility of a filibuster has resurfaced.
"I
think we should raise the threat of filibuster until President
Bush finally gets the message and nominates a liberal
judge," said Schumer.
"Why
do we even need Supreme Court justices?" wondered
Kennedy. "I think if enough of us build high fences
around our estates, the rogues and ne'er-do-wells can
have the cities, which likely are infested with plague
and avian bird flu already anyway."
Republicans
such as Bill Frist, however, have warned Democrats that
if they even keep saying the word "filibuster",
they will be killed.
"Besides,
Alito deserves an UP-OR-DOWN VOTE," he said,
using the secret code words that conservatives have latched
onto as a way of saying, "If you filibuster you will
be killed." "I think all nominees are entitled
to that, except for practice nominees like Harriet Miers."
As
The Enduring Vision goes to press, rumors are swirling
that another document will be revealed that uncovers Alito's
secret past as a Mexican drug mule, which would only serve
to further complicate matters.
"Wait,
so does that mean he's for or against stricter immigration
laws?" said Frist. "Jeez, this stuff is hard!"
President
Bush was questioned about Alito, but did not answer, instead
choosing to sob softly.
