20 Funniest things about Kelly Holcomb Getting a Concussion
Whenever Kelly Holcomb tries to remember his Social Security
Number, his eyes will roll back and a sound will come
out of his mouth like someone punching a wet ham.
When Kelly Holcomb looks at the play book in practice,
he will perceive all of the squiggles to be hieroglyphic
prophecies written by offensive coordinator Tom Clements,
and will begin worshiping him as a new and more powerful
Kelly Holcomb will wake up in an old grain silo surrounded
by putrefied mini-wheats, but will have
no idea how he got there.
Whenever Kelly Holcomb signs an autograph, he will
write Best Wishes, from your comrade, the eccentric
Count Vladimere Kroisthove.
When Kelly Holcomb tries to enter his PIN at the ATM,
he will inadvertently enter a twenty-year-old code from
Mike Tyson’s Punch Out, and his money will be transferred
into the account of someone named Soda Popinski.
At practice, Holcomb will refer to Defensive Coordinator
Jerry Gray’s wife as a “Slutty MILF.” He will then try
to apologize, blaming the slip on his concussion, adding
that he “Wouldn’t eff her with Josh Reed’s Dick.”
At pre-game banquets, Holcomb will no longer be trusted
with cutlery. As a result, Ralph Wilson will have special,
liquefied meals prepared for him, which he will have to
lap out of an overturned helmet at the foot of the coaches’
Kelly Holcomb will start weeping during haircuts.
Holcomb will decide to quit football and devote his
life to persecuting Jewish people full time.
Team doctors will declare Holcomb a danger to himself
and others, and insist that he be kept during away games
in an electrified crate, which he will subsequently lick
the bars of, shocking his already damaged brain.
Kelly Holcomb will trade his Mustang to somebody
for a Kelly Holcomb autograph.
To hasten his recovery, Holcomb will apply surgical
leeches to his head, causing children and animals to flee
from his horrible visage.
Holcomb will accuse J.P. Losman of putting bad spells
on his head, and will insist on carrying crystals and
strips of dyed leather with him wherever he goes.
Every Monday at 4:00 am, Holcomb will wake up groggy
and beaten underneath Marv Levy’s Cadillac with his wrists
bound and no memory of how he got there.
Kelly Holcomb will declare himself the new, more powerful
Jesus and challenge Tom Clements to feats of strength.
When Clements declines, Holcomb will demonstrate to his
teammates the breadth of his powers by chewing the stuffing
out of his own leg pads.
During interviews, Holcomb will become disoriented,
wishing colorblindness on people and accusing reporters
of betraying his only begotten son.
Kelly Holcomb will fall madly in love with a Sacagawea
dollar, but society will shun him. Hunted and miserable,
he will be forced to move into a rented storage locker,
where he will spend countless hours alone, tenderly stroking
the edge of the coin.
As a side effect from the concussion medicine, Holcomb
will sprout pre-teen breasts, and spend the bulk of his
days fondling them in a mirror while lip-syncing to Sheena
Holcomb will go on an epic journey in search of Don
Beebe’s legendary concussion-proof helmet. After months
of searching, he will eventually find it at a bazaar in
Riyadh, and haggle with the merchant for seven days and
seven nights, culminating in a fight to the death. Victorious,
Holcomb will arrive in America to a hero’s welcome, and
the rights to his tale will be purchased by Aaron Spelling.
A poorly scripted, made-for-TV movie called “Kelly’s New
Breasts” will quickly follow.
Kelly Holcomb will begin showering with his clothes
on. When teammates ask him why, he will say that God told
him to do it, because “It’s the classy thing to do.”