BEAST interviewer recently sat down with Manny, the Mannlicher-Carcano
rifle Lee Harvey Oswald used to assassinate President
John F. Kennedy in Dallas on November 22, 1963. Our staffer
met with Manny at the National Archives, where he has
resided since his confiscation. Although we have been
unable to contact our man since he left for his assignment,
we were able to retrieve the tape of his conversation.
What we heard was disturbing in ways we could not have
anticipated. We present for our readers the full transcript
of the conversation and leave it to you to draw your own
conclusions about the chilling exchange.
How do you feel about having aided Oswald in killing one
of America’s most beloved presidents?
Aiding Oswald? That’s how it was? I aided
Oswald? Look, let’s get something straight: I killed the
mick. Oswald…What, did he throw the bullets at the president?
No, me—I did it, I killed him.
Well, Oswald is credited with killing Kennedy.
You think I don’t know that? It’s all you ever hear: “Oswald
did it.” “Oswald shot Kennedy.” “Oswald acted alone.”
Oswald this, Oswald that. Bullshit. Jesus, I’ve been listening
to this garbage for 42 years. Even my kids—
Forget it. The point is, the rube got all the press. And
for what? For pointing. He was a pointer. Big friggin’
deal. He friggin’ pointed me. That’s it.
Why would you want Kennedy dead?
Yeah, as in Monroe. Cultural icon, screen idol—heard of
her? We had a thing, me and her.
Yeah, of course I know who Marilyn Monroe is. But—you’re
a gun. How could you have “a thing”…how is that…
She was a sweet kid. The thing is—and I know it’s no longer
fashionable to say this, but—she wasn’t a bright girl.
One day, we were being intimate and I screamed out “I’m
Intimate? What the hell are you talking about?
Am I speaking English here, or what? Anyway, I explained
to her a million times, “Look, those aren’t sperm, they’re
friggin’ bullets. These’ll friggin’ kill you.” But she
wanted us to have a kid—it was all she talked about. So
I scream out, “I’m gonna blow!” That was the cue except,
this one time, she didn’t pull out like always…[Sobbing,
I think—is that even possible? –eds.] It went right through
Okay, now I get it. This is, no—you’re a nut, a liar or
both. Marilyn Monroe OD’d. She killed herself with pills
in her bathroom.
[Regains composure] No, no, we made it look like that.
It was a cover-up.
How the hell do you “cover up” a gunshot wound?
You don’t get it, do you? I’m a gun, you moron! My whole
existence revolves around threatening people.
Then why shoot the president?
He was looking into the whole thing. He still had a soft
spot in his pants for her. And he wanted an investigation.
Obviously, I couldn’t allow that.
And you convinced Oswald…
That’s right. He wasn’t exactly Mensa material to begin
with, shu know whahm talkeen, mehn?
Huh? What was that?
Your voice just changed…I thought you said, “Shu know
No, I didn’t
Uh, okay. Well, so there was no conspiracy?
[Bang!] Excuse me, sorry. What were you saying?
What the hell was that?
Sorry, I went off.
You’re loaded? Right now, you have bullets in you?
That’s right, and it’s really uncomfortable, so if we
could just speed this along…
Uh, right, so there were no other shooters that day, is
that what you’re saying?
Gee, I’m sorry, I was a little preoccupied. You ever have
a bunch of ammo jammed in your ass and blown out your
unit? It’s a little distracting. All right? Look, Jack
make a loh o’ enemeece, hokay? He mess wih tha’ wron’
There, you did it again. You said, “Hokay.” And “peepo?”
You misheard me. I said “choking,” or perhaps “hockey.”
Many people have claimed you have a hair trigger—
[Bang!] What?! Who?! I’ll kill them, I swear!
A lot of people interested in the case over the years
have suggested your light trigger would have made it difficult
to fire you accurately.
[Bang!] What a bunch of crap.
Well, you do come across…
Um, a little quick-tempered. I guess. Maybe.
My trigger’s fine. [Bang!] Always has been. After the
shooting, I got fingered more times than an orphan at
Neverland. [Bang!] You’d be plenty testy, I guarantee.
I ain nobahdy’s maricon, mehn! Shu freekin’ heah me, mehn?!
Jesus. Where, um, where are you from, exactly? I, I thought…I
thought you were like Italian-American, you came here
from Italy, or something. But that accent—
[Bang!] Oye…Mira, I say ih fo’ las tine, hokay? I don’
hah no accehn? Hokay? I no’ gonu say ih agehn—
Wait, wait a second. That, uh, that…that was seven shots.
I counted seven shots.
So wha’? Ees notheen. You may a mistay, I theen.
No, I heard it. I heard seven. You’re only supposed to
have a six-round clip—you’re, you’re not a Carcano. What
the hell are you, anyway?!
Thees inaview ees ova, mehn! Hokay?
Wait, no don’t, don’t, no!
[Bang!] Hey, guard! Tay car o’ thees peeth o’ cheet. I
goyen ba’ to my roo’, hokay? No mo’ inaview fo’ Manny,